I am new to this site. I am wondering if there are other spoues out there that can give me some advice. I have been married for a year and a 1/2. We recently have been apart for 4 Months and coming back together to work together, though I have not let him return home. I love my husband. I know it was not his fault what happened to him as a child, and I know he was not accountable what happened to him as a child but he is accountable for his life now, and the choices he makes as an adult whether to help himself or not. I have been reading how to not approcah your spouse so they will get motivated to help themselves. (though it doesnt realy say what to say) I certainly have tried all the wrong ways to approach him...even sadly anger to the point I kicked him out. I never demmened him...basicaly gave him the ultimadum and that lead to me kicking him out of our home. What I am asking for is this....I need to know the right words to say, positive, motivating to him to know he has my support and that I need him to get active in helping himself. It controls our marriage, and the rejection and basicaly living a sexless intametless marriage is not what I want for the rest of my life. And I dont want to see him unhappy and depressed and live his life like this the rest of his life either. I love this man very much. He is a good friend, I have known him over 20 years and thought It woudl be easy to end our 1.5 year marriage, but that is not so much working out. I love this man. He is a good man. I want to handle the conversation the right way, and communicate that I am here for him but also that I have my needs and wants as well and want to be happy as well. I have done this wrong in the past...I want to communicate with him the right way now and also somehow get through to him. Can anyone give me sound advice. Thanks so much for your help in advance.

Hey Photoangela, I'm sorry you find yourself here. I think you have all the words you need to say.

You said it here.

"he has my support and that I need him to get active in helping himself. It controls our marriage, and the rejection and basicaly living a sexless intametless marriage is not what I want for the rest of my life. And I dont want to see him unhappy and depressed and live his life like this the rest of his life either. I love this man very much."

You can't make him go to therapy but you can decide whether or not to live with someone who is not working to help himself. Maybe he will go, maybe he won't, but you have to decide the circumstances under which you can stay.

It's a tricky balance. So much of what shapes a man abused as a boy is shame, fear of rejection, abandonment, etc. He probably sees your action through that lens instead of the lens of "I love you but you have to work on healing yourself for you and for us"

Hopefully some survivors will jump in with their perspective.

I am a survivor and me and my wife are working our marriage out after a one night stand affair that I had. I will say this. Yes , I am responsible for my actions and do not expect pity from anyone, but my actions now have up until I started getting help have always been a direct or indirect result of my childhood sexual abuse.
Much respect to you in trying to work this out with him. My wife and I have never been closer. When I told her about my childhood abuse it was like a weight off my chest and I realized I have the best woman in the world. I feel so much shame and guilt for my affair. I try everyday to show her how much I appreciate her for sticking with me and helping me thru my recovery efforts. Our marriage has been so much better since I turned my life over to God also. Best of luck to y'all

Thanks for your Insight Country...you give me hope.

HI photoangela75

I am sorry that you are going through this it is hard I know.

There are no right and wrong things to say, I am a survivor, and never realized the impact that this had on my life until I saw other survivors telling their stories.
No matter how much my wife spoke to me I did not see it.

The best way to do this is through "gorilla warfare tactics" You need to plant information around his house, reading material that he may Just pick up. Go to the Oprah show and download the 200 men programme and give it to him.
Buy the leaping on mountains book by Mike Lew and give it to him or leave it at his house.
There is a brochure that you can print off my Blog, (follow the link below) or go to Amsosa and print their brochure.

Bottom line is that he needs to make up his own mind. We can "push" him in the right direction, but the choice must be his.

You also need to help yourself now, because this affects you too. Buy a book called CO-Dependent no more and read it and do the exercises yourself.

Feel free to PM me any time

Heal well
Martin

I don't know how much help I can be but I've been on this journey for 17 months now. I've been married 5 years and became aware of the abuse when our son was born. I've been living alone, raising our sweet boy, allowing him (my husband) time to heal and find himself. I love my husband very much and I have supported him but HE had to make the decision to get help. All I can do is encourage him with loving words and pray for him. The best thing I did for myself was begin counseling. I needed help, I needed to understand and I needed to hear that I could not fix this for him. We've had good days and bad days, but I can honestly say we are moving in the right direction now. Be patient. I know how you are feeling right now and I'd gladly be a listening ear if you need someone to talk to. It does get better but you have to fight for your marriage. Don't give up, he needs you even if he doesn't realize it right now.

This has been a long, hard road to travel but I have faith that our marriage is going to be unbelievable on the other side of this hurt.

God bless you.