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#392999 - 04/10/12 03:30 PM The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS***
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Tonight I had to talk to my daughter.

We found out that my beautiful 12 year old angel, was in chat rooms and was involved with some pervert that asked her for pictures of her in her bra. Her friend sent pictures of herself with her hands over her breasts.

Well I gotta tell you that I almost lost it, I was about to do my rage anger thing. Fortunately, my wife knows me and spoke me down.
What I did fear was that what happened to me would happen to my daughter, and this scared me more than it angered me.

So tonight, I sat my 'baby' down and told her a little about my life. I had to break her innocence and tell her that not all people were friendly, that not all people wanted to be her friend.

Lord I pray that my experience will help the one person that counts most to me.

Lord I pray that this year gets better.

Heal well all
Martin
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#393013 - 04/10/12 04:52 PM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I can empathize with you on this disclosure, Martin. Although I have boys and it seems to me it would be different, just being able to talk about the dangers of this activity and how it had adversely affected us with our children is a good thing.

They know hypocrisy and deceit, so when they see us committed to our story, they know it is the truth. This experimentation you mention with your daughter and her friend would not have ended here, you are so right in your action to keep her safe.

My sons were uncomfortable when I disclosed to them about the abuse, around the same time they started experimenting sexually. The impact was noticeable, their activity decreased. In fact they began to look for love and a relationship, instead of sex and the extreme excitement of it. It is a good thing we disclose when we are ready.

Well done Martin,
Sam
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#393016 - 04/10/12 05:05 PM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3618
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Martin,
take it easy and have some nerves. It is good thing that you and your wife have found about it. But must say that you should already have told some stuff to your daughter about behavior on internet.
Please be aware that your daughter is very grown respecting her possibilities in using computers, kids are just too fast these days. And they doing it like they are not at all innocent so they need education very early about it.
So please think on education plan for yourself and your little angel. Children today are so capable of using tech things and we older ones have to learn them very early; it is sad thing that parents regularly don't see those risks on time. So we adults need to learn them how to use it safely and what are risks there in first place. Those are things that we learn kids many years ago for their real life, there is same need here too, they would not lost innocence because of that. Consider it like showing her how to go across the street alone.
So please consider to put some rules in using internet, like this:
let your daughter know that you are interested in her online activities;
Place the computer in the living-room - this is must;
Set some rules for using the Internet (when is allowed to used it, at which hour, is it allowed to have Facebook profile, is it allowed for her to go to chat rooms, is it allowed to use camera, please put also some filter for pornography etc.)
Explain to her who is a stranger in real and who in virtual world;
Explain to her what are potential hazards of meeting the person that she knows only through chat and online;
Explain to her the dangers of sending own pictures online, as well as the concept of child pornography- yes she can understand that easily;
Alert her that conversation with strangers especially on sexual issues can be dangerous for her;
Explain to her that sexual activity between adults and minors is punishable offense;


Martin, it is important to remember:
your kid may know more about technology than you, but you know more about life. You are allowed to set rules and request their compliance.
That is the most basic role of parent and you are very good parent...
I'm sure that you'll be good in all this smile !

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#393017 - 04/10/12 05:07 PM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: peroperic2009]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1753
Martin

That had to be very difficult to hear about your daughter and for you to open up about yourself. At least you found out early and hopefully she hears you.

Good luck

Kevin

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#393018 - 04/10/12 05:11 PM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: peroperic2009]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks Guys

I must say that it was a bit of a mind blow, but I will talk to her some more and explain about the weir-dos out there.

Heal well
Martin
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#393019 - 04/10/12 05:11 PM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: KMCINVA]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks Kevin
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#393039 - 04/10/12 08:00 PM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
eyesforward Offline


Registered: 03/13/11
Posts: 92
Loc: Ontario
Martin -- Your daughter is fortunate to have both you and your wife on her side (and looking over her shoulder). Great teamwork between the two of you in dealing with this.

Thinking of you all and sending peace and clarity of mind to all.

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#393060 - 04/10/12 10:49 PM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: eyesforward]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Martin -

OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

At least you were able to catch it early on and hopefully prevent further harm.

Adding my prayers to yours,
Lee
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As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
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What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#393097 - 04/11/12 06:59 PM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Glad you found out about it sooner rather than later.
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Male/USA

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#393524 - 04/15/12 08:37 AM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1353
Hi Martin,

I can only imagine your terror at discovering your daughter's activities.

She is very lucky that you found out, and that you care enough to speak to her about the less than savory side of life.

Some of the linked articles might be triggering, but I think you need to discuss what they contain with your wife and daughter.


This article is a MUST READ.

Through His Webcam, Boy Joins Sordid World.


Predator Caught in Child Porn Sweep and information about webcams and chat rooms.


Good Article for Preventing Child Abuse. Thank you, Disappointed for the links.


Safeguarding Children Board.


Keeping Children Safe - Your Right to Ask.






Anomalous
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#393557 - 04/15/12 04:22 PM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Anomalous

Thanks for the links, I will go through them and see what I need to use.
I really appreciate all your input. Thanks again

Martin
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#394895 - 04/25/12 07:56 AM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
To all My Brothers around the world, I thank you.
This has been a really hard time, I am so afraid that my princess goes through the same that I went through. This has been the biggest fear in my life.

Strange that for the first year of her life I would bath her and love her as much as I could.
When she became a toddler, I would avoid being alone in a room with her. I feared that I was the most sick of perverts, when actually I was not.

It was only through this site, and the Forum family, that I was able to begin restoring my relationship with my baby.
Then fear of all fears along comes some perv and tries to steal her innocence.

Thanks again family, for all your support and advice.

Heal well all
God Bless
Martin
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#394954 - 04/25/12 08:31 PM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
GBWU Offline


Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 17
Whome,

Keep the communication open. My older children (ages 23 & 20) would make fun of me because I always had what they called the talks.

She is a very lucky young lady to have such wonderful parents.

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#395027 - 04/26/12 07:18 AM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Whome,

Be thankful that you caught this at the very early stages. You did excellent in not blowing up at your angel and/or wife. She would have just tuned you out and you would end up losing the opportunity to teach her a lesson and save her from undergoing the shit we went through. We learned about sexual abuse hard way and now you can use that knowledge telling your angel about the risks to using the internet and the ploys that abusers will use to get their way i.e. abusing others and destroying lives.

Our children/grandchildren know more about using computers and the internet by the time they're 10 years old than we will ever know about computers in our lives. We just somehow have to learn to keep up with them learning about filters, checking the internet history so that we'll know what they have been looking at, all that stuff and more.
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I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#395032 - 04/26/12 07:38 AM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Whome,

I know this fear...as a father I know it. My kids are actually my only source of fear at this point in life.

With my son and all his buds being online, I've ensured they keep no secrets from me regarding online antics (both son and buds). Now that he's allowed a FB account, I've got inherent license to track activity there, though I've always tracked all browsing.

My daughter (11) acts very compliant and obedient, but she likes to walk on the wild-side at times. It could be nuts-o skateboarding, too fast on a bike, and just clicking-through to sites she knows nothing about, but she has to be monitored constantly.

In reading your initial post of this thread, a wave of flush-anxiety took my body. Only our kids can do that to us.
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#395036 - 04/26/12 08:21 AM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1147
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Check into Netnanny and Bsecure (I think they call it Cloud secure now). They are both very good blockers and have excellent parental controls. I installed blockers on the family PC back when our son was 12 (he's 18 now). I happened to look at the browser search history, and was shocked. We had the "talk" about porn and poisoning the mind with images. These programs also manage chats to keep kids safe from the pervs.
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Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

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#395692 - 05/01/12 08:20 AM Re: The thing I feared most.***TRIGGERS*** [Re: whome]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
dear martin,

i am a mom and i did warn all my kids from perverts on the internet. this does not mean none of them could ever get hold of my kids. this just means that they would be a tiny miny bit more aware of it, because they have this warning. but kids are innocent. they cannot possibly understand the REAL danger behind those perverts. you daughter is 12 and she has this one huge advantage that you can talk about your own experience. of course you cant tell her the very traumatizing parts of your abuse (the ones which would traumatize HER). but she will get a very good impression that it can happen to anyone (even her dad) and that will take her responsibility off her for the pictures she had sent. i think this is very important that it doesnt last on her shoulders. there was an adults behind there and we adults can generally make kids do anything we want - unfortunately - as the kids are again INNOCENT. always remember that when you talk to her about the internet thing.
i would also suggest that you show her a show or also on youtube: catch a pedophile. she is 12, she would get the picture that perverts dont have scars and magic wands, that they are just normal looking people. this you could also use if you cant really tell her more about the abuse that was done to you in your childhood because it would shredder her innocent heart.
my kids were very impressed by the show and i watched a few of them together with them. you got to be there. 12 is a very sensitive age. they need you there for the immediate questions they all have.
you have not taken the innocence of her. she is still innocent. you just taught her some reality in life, but that doesnt not make HER not innocent. for being NOT innocent, a person has to do something wrong to another person first with full understanding. that was not what she did. that was also not what you did when you were small or a teenager. adults are all alone responsible for this.

ela
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everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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