****WARNING MAY BE OFFENSIVE **DISTURBING TO SOME****
A gay boys first love story
My fraternal brothers,
In the guide book, Victims No Longer in the chapter Loss of Childhood,
Ppg, 79. Credit Mike Lew for these excerpts.
You can’t create a happy childhood for yourself.
Neither can you find as an adult the love you needed as a child. However immature you may feel, you are no longer a child.
Childhood, once lost cannot be recovered. As hard as it may be to accept, it is the truth.
He is already past his Infancy stage, up to 18 months. He was denied the needs for a healthy development. This is where our basic needs need to be acknowledged and met. Where he learns to trust.
He is already past his toddler stage., up to 3 years old. Where he needed encouragement, patience and guidance. To feel safe & venture out. He was denied those needs. My sister is born and her basic needs are met. She will not suffer from having a healthy development.
He is now in his preschool stage of his development, up to 6 years. It will be in this stage where he starts to acknowledge that there must be something wrong with him. Why was I constantly being beaten? What have I done? Why Am I always being told things like you are the wrong one who lived? What did I do?
Being told that he is useless, worthless & will never amount to anything. However, for this boy the most damaging of all is that I do not want you. All these things drilled into his heart & soul. This is where she will start on the sexual abuse I am only 5 years old.
Why “mom” I am your little boy?
He is now in his childhood stage of development, he is now 6 years old. This is where I will come to realize that I am different from my friends. We four boys have grown up together. For just about all of my first 14 years. We all go to the same church & school together. When ever possible we are always together in a group. Moreover, when we are we all get into the same trouble together. We all hurt together; we all laugh together and do the usual pranks to others together. We will tell the same lies together. I have seen where their parents treat them differently. I have seen where they are loved & cared for. Their parents see that I am quite different from their boys. I do not show any emotions towards adults. I look sad and fearful around them. I am extremely shy around them. I do not show the same emotions and feelings as their boys do towards their parents. I am standoffish around their moms that do like and care about me.
They do notice that we boys are very close to one another. We are protective of one another; we have emotions & love for one another. I will make an emotional & mental bond with them. I will experience different feelings toward them than they do towards me.
This is about a gay boys feelings towards those boys whom he had met in this critical development stage of his life.
Here is when I realize our differences, I love them differently, and I am always touching them, hugging them, and patting them on the butt. When we go skinny-dipping in Boston Harbor, I will get excited seeing them naked. We will get sexual at times, by that, I mean that some of us would masturbate in each other’s presence, we’ll check each other out, we’ll have contests on who could squirt the most & furthest as we mature & grow up together. I will start crying when one of them would berate me or ignore me. I never wanted to be without them around. As then, I was a very lonely boy.
Well, for this boy/man right now in the present, he is very much that child.
At the age of 10, I was put into a Catholic orphanage/Home. It was administered by the religious order of men, the Xaverian Brothers.
There, this emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually abused boy by his “mom.” Was welcomed into a new family, a group of boys either orphans or were not wanted by their parent. There were usually between 50-60 boys there. The school grades were between the fifth to the eighth. There we received shelter, food, clothing, medical attention, and an education, care & love.
We were separated into age groups. This also determines which dormitory we will sleep in and which table we will eat at & which shower group we would be in. For the most part, we would always be together as a group.
In class, study periods, eating our meals, sleeping, showering, & playing team sports. Saturday afternoon movies & Tuesday night TV watching.
About the only times that we would be on our own was during playtime & free time. Playtime was mostly between classes and in the evening before study time during the week.
Free time was mostly on a religious holiday (no classes) Late Saturday afternoons after sports or a movie, plus Sunday afternoons, which was the time for visitors.
Once that I was settled into my new surroundings I had made friends with some of the boys.
I had special feelings for one boy there. He and I seemed very much alike. We were both ungainly, uncoordinated, loners and standoffish toward the others. We were different from the others as far as emotions & feelings go. I was very much attracted to him. Like wise he was attracted to me. They had noticed that. They noticed that I would get aroused looking at them in the drying off room after our showers. They would notice also that during the night sometimes me and Shannon would be in the wash/bathroom together. We were two gay boys. Not a big deal with them. We all were young boys, and perhaps we really didn’t understand what was happening to us yet. Either, emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually.
We were given nicknames that fit our facial features. I had a busted nose & my ears stuck out. But my nose meant more to them, so I became known as Eagle Beak. That was what they called me for the four years that I was there. He, Shannon had a face shaped like a horse collar and he became known as Horse Face Shannon.
It would be with Shannon that I had felt any kind of an emotional, mental, physical and sexual attraction. He was my first boyhood crush. He and I became boyhood lovers, bonding emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually.
Pure genuine innocent love for one another in all aspects. We would whenever the opportunity would allow us to go our secret hiding place. We all were being observed by the religious Brothers there. We had to be careful about showing our affections for each other. There were outside play times when he and I would be “wrestling” together we were behind a gulley but would keep our heads in sight as there was always one Brother who was looking out a window observing us. Often wondered if he knew about us two gay boys. In our secret hiding place we would take our shirts off and lay down. We would hug & kiss each other. We would tell each other I love you. We would talk to each other about our feelings, hopes and dreams. Then we would take our fingertips, start on the chest, and gently run them down to the nipples, making them hard then running them down to the belly button. We also would blow our breath on each other in the same fashion on down to the belly button, but then putting our mouths on it and blowing into it making those funny noises. Naturally, in doing these things, we were getting sexually aroused and we would masturbate in front of each other. However, we never did each other. For either of us the sexual act was not the most important part of our love for each other.
The emotional and mental bonding was. The hugs, caresses, kiss and telling each other I love you was. It was a pure, genuine, innocent, emotional and mental bonding between two boys. Who for the first time in their young life they experienced what genuine innocent love was all about.
Shannon and I were together in boyhood love for those four years. We were both ten to fourteen years old. When ever we had to be away from each other one weekend a month away from the orphanage/Home, or during our summer break and had to go to who ever wanted to put up with you. We were lonely boys once again.
During this time in my young life was also in love with an adult, as you all know, if you have read my various posts. I did have with Ralph a genuine emotional, mental, physical & sexual bonding. However, he was my adopted parent. My love for him was genuine. He cared for this young boy in all aspects as a parent, at least as this boy understood about a parent. He was in all respects just the opposite of my “mom.” He was kind, gentle, caring, and emotionally bonded to this boy.
The love & caring and bonding that Ralph and I shared as I now understand as an adult was tainted at best. A seduction of a young boy. Looking for someone to love him. And to love another in return. As you, all know I kept his emotional & mental bonding all my life. He was always with me in most aspects of my life. After years of therapy. After years of denial and confusion about my young life and love of Ralph and his for me. I have finally found his proper place in my heart & soul. Yes, I still genuinely love him. Yes, I can still believe that he loved me genuinely loved me, but that it was all wrong. It was a seduction and betrayal of a young boy looking for someone to love and care for him.
The adult Pete has put him far back in his life as another lover had come along in his young life replacing him.
In this stage of my gay life, I am physically, alone. still extremely shy. I was seeking a partner to share the rest of my adult life with, emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually in a bond between two adults forever.
I just turned seventy-three years old. I refuse to be an old man.
As that young boy I never had received, sweet, innocent, pure, genuine love and an emotional, mental bonding from an adult.
However, I did have an innocent, sweet, pure and genuine love for another young gay boy. He had the same feelings for me. I still love him. He is very much with me. He is in my mind, heart, body and soul. Emotionally, mentally, intimately and sexually. He and I are partners now sharing our innocent, sweet, pure and genuine love together, forever. As I am still that young Pete. I am still at that orphanage/Home. I am still with my boyhood lover named Shannon. I am still in my safe place. I am still a boy and will be for the rest of my natural life…I refuse to be an old man.
Right now this boy/man are in complete harmony together in mind, body & soul. Emotionally & mentally.
This is my love story, from a young boy’s heart, mind, body and soul, except he is supposed to be a “man.”
Can anyone understand this, except me?
Wishing my brothers here well in their healing and surviving.
“I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity.” As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.