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#392739 - 04/08/12 11:37 AM I don't know what to do.
H18 Offline


Registered: 04/08/12
Posts: 3
Loc: England
Hi everyone,

Basically, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 18 years old and I was molested by my brother. I've been seeing my Doctor because I've been feeling really depressed but she just thinks it's because of stuff that's going on between my parents.

I haven't told her that I was abused, nor have I told her that I self-harm and that I've tried to kill myself. She'd tell my family and I really don't want that because I feel disgusting whenever I let my family know personal things.

My brother abused me when I was 4/5 and I remember every moment of it - even what he said to me. But the thing is, I don't even think he remembers or at least he pretends not to. This makes me really angry because I remember it every day and it's just f*cked me up so much. I really hate him, and I've told him this and he seems to think that I'll get over this hate. I've read accounts of how people have 'forgiven' their abusers, but I really can't do this. I hate my brother, I hate that he is living a good life while I'm here on the edge of killing myself.

And at school, (I took Psychology last year) people say that those who have been abused are likely to become abusers. What if that happens to me. I don't want that. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I knew I was going to put someone through the same things I've been through.

I just really don't know what to do any more. I'm full of so much anger and hate, I have no one to turn to. Seriously, the best option I see for myself is to end it all.

And on top of this all, I'm gay. And in my culture it's not acceptable or really heard of - well in actual fact it's not spoken of.

I feel so tormented inside, like nothing makes sense to me anymore. I don't even want to go to school, I can't be bothered to get out of bed, I cry a lot. I don't even talk to anyone. I feel like I'm slowly dying.

I just wish I could talk to someone who could help me.

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#392740 - 04/08/12 12:19 PM Re: I don't know what to do. [Re: H18]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5940
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Welcome H,

Being angry, upset, frustrated and furious are symptoms of discovery, the time in a survivor's life when the realization of the impact of the abuse is overwhelming the ability of the survivor to progress, find happiness and contentment in life. This is a time of reflection, of healing, of change.

Begin to accept that you were attacked, you were a victim, a survivor, and that you have no blame in this. You are a precious, valid, caring person, worthy of peace, success and confidence. You can and WILL find recovery relief if you stay focused on this path, here in MS, with a therapist who is an expert in sexual abuse therapy, and personal determination to free yourself of the burden that does not belong to you.

Stick around, post, share, support as you can, be brutally honest, this is a healing place.., welcome.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#392743 - 04/08/12 12:34 PM Re: I don't know what to do. [Re: H18]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi H18 :-) and welcome to Male survivor!
It is sad that you have been abused and that left some scars but it is great that you come here in look for some help. Here you can find some good resources and hear about some stories that could help you to better understand yourself, your scars and problems that are connected to abuse and way how to get on road to recovery... There is way to get over all those difficult questions that bother you: self-harming, suicidal thoughts, problems with accepting your orientation etc. Please don't be hard on yourself, all those problems have solutions and here you can find some help and support. Believe me you are not alone in all this!
Please read and go trough all this web portal, there are a lot of good things that could help you! Also, consider to re-post your introduction thread at introduction part of board, maybe some other brothers would more easily find it there end greet you smile .
Thing that abused one becomes abuser is myth and don't worry on that too much, you are not nor will be abuser!
Here is link to myths, read it carefully:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/myths.html
Consider also to take part in chat group session called Healing circle, it is moderated session where survivors can exchange their experience and problems and get some support. It is great opportunity for you to discus some your problems and to start dealing your issues. For us from Europe it is held every Tuesday at 19:00 UTC, it just stared for European-African time zone. That is great additional resource for my own healing and I would love to see you sometimes there wink .
Here are instruction for attending it:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=388784#Post388784
I hope that some of this will be helpful for you!
Be well!
Pero

_________________________
My story

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#392764 - 04/08/12 04:51 PM Re: I don't know what to do. [Re: peroperic2009]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific
Hi H18. I was also sexually abused by my older brother, both at a younger age like 4 or 5, and then again at about 11. I understand how you feel; I also didn't want my family to know anything, as they were intrusive parasites always wanting to suck up details about my life that were none of their business. Anyway, I think you should try to talk to someone else instead of your doctor if you feel the need to--someone that isn't in touch with your family and will respect your right to privacy. I know I found for myself that seeing a therapist that my parents knew and had paid for simply didn't work because it inhibited my ability to feel safe about what I told them, and the therapist wanted to be able to communicate with my mother...

You won't become an abuser; the people who become abusers are largely unconscious of what happened to them, and they are so repressed that they would never be able to come out and say that they hate their abuser or be open about what happened to them. Abusers deny their own truth and their own emotions and perfectly forgive and love their abusive family members. Like you, I absolutely and completely hate my brother; he is a scumbag, and I cut him out of my life completely, as well as the rest of my family. Your anger and hate are justified.

There is a way out other than suicide. Maybe you could try going to university far away next year? You can get out of the reach of your brother, your family, and the subculture you live in and be able to have the space necessary to find your own truth. That is what I did, and it helped immensely. The wider culture of England is more gay-friendly, and you have access to that at any time.


Edited by Vadrian (04/08/12 04:54 PM)

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#392823 - 04/09/12 01:15 AM Re: I don't know what to do. [Re: H18]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1166
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 08:55 PM)
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place I Visit

It will get better....

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#392824 - 04/09/12 01:36 AM * [Re: H18]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:12 PM)

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#392858 - 04/09/12 11:48 AM Re: I don't know what to do. [Re: H18]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Hello there H18:

There are a couple of organizations in the UK that cater very well to the needs of the male survivor. One is called AMSOSA and can be found here http://www.amsosa.com/ and the other is Survivors Manchester which can be found here http://www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk/. While neither may end up being close to home for you, I am positive that either organization can point you to some more local resources for you.

And as others have already said, we're sorry that you feel you need to be here, but are nevertheless glad that you managed to find us.

Cheers for now,
Jim
_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#392876 - 04/09/12 04:12 PM Re: I don't know what to do. [Re: Geeders]
H18 Offline


Registered: 04/08/12
Posts: 3
Loc: England
Hey everyone, thanks for all of the advice and support. It feels good to actually have input from people who've been through similar things. So thanks again.

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#392882 - 04/09/12 05:12 PM Re: I don't know what to do. [Re: H18]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
H18,

Welcome to malesurvivor. I hear your (read at least) pain. I believe the pain can be a motivator to bring about change.

You - with others help/advise/whatever you want to call it - will make a change and I hope and pray you can make a positive change in your life.

Again welcome. I am sorry this "event" happened in your life but, I am glad you found this site.

Peace,
Avery
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#392895 - 04/09/12 08:09 PM Re: I don't know what to do. [Re: Avery46]
H18 Offline


Registered: 04/08/12
Posts: 3
Loc: England
Guys, tonight my family had a massive argument. I got pretty angry and literally told them (shouted) everything. And right now, I don't know how to feel because my brother said he doesn't remember doing it, he even denied it.

Did I make this up? I feel so disgusting.

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