Hi, i'm Miguel,
just so glad i found this site. I spent so much time trying to brush off the negative feeling i have for my past. I spend a lot of my time just reminding myself how glad i am to have survived all that, and it is over. It is not really over. I'm still constantly trying to unlearn the expectations i have for how people treat me. i believe that we ourselves sublimely teach the people around us on how we expect to be treated. And even though our conscious brain tells us that we expect to be treated fairly, our subconscious behaviors towards people signal them to repeat the abusive behaviors that we have been accustomed to.

i was constantly sexually molested by my father since i was 5 years old, and i really liked it, and came with it was the shame that we're all familiar with. He left the house when i was 7. he died in another town when i was eight. When he died, my mother took me to her room and hugged me, she cried while she told me that it was just her now, and asked me not to give her a hard time. I felt so sorry for her, i spent years of my life barely asking for anything. Trying to be a good boy, i never understood why my brothers and sisters can ask for books and clothes and toys. I kept my school allowance to the minimum, i didnt eat at school. i just systematically just deprived myself of everything. i would be brave enough to ask for something if i knew it was very cheap. i would ask for a new pair of shoes only when the old one is really just falling off my feet. and my mother praised me for it. i asked for underwear when i was about to live in a dormitory in highschool, i just knew the other boys will laugh at me if i didnt have any. a lot more horror stories, around the same scenarios.

i dont talk to my mother now. Aside from the neglect part, i also believe she is malicious, and is competing with me to show who is more successful. it really is just distressing to spend time with her. She's one of those people who will just suck out the energy from you.

i somehow convinced myself that all these made me a stronger smarter person. i'm happy for who i am now. I thank the big universe for having taken care of me. and i thank myself for having been strong through all those years.

i'm still trying to relearn everything. i tried celebrating my birthdays the past few years, more from the reason that my employees would find it weird that i dont celebrate my birthdays. But now i shifted lifestyle and i dont have employees, i'm really not quite excited for that day. It's always been a dreadful week leading up to my birthday, and the day itself is always painful.

i spend a lot of time now introspecting and experimenting on that things that i actually enjoy, and allow myself to have them.

i'm glad i found this site, it somehow affirms how far i have come. I truly am a survivor, and i am proud about that.

Welcome, Miguel!

It is so good that you have found us. i notice that you are from the Philippines. Beautiful place and people - from what i have seen.

your story sounds familiar - but my step-father didn't leave us and didn't die till i was 35. but the feelings are the same.

i tried to protect my mom from any distress - so i never told. pretty much no communication with her now. it's hard to relate to someone who won't face reality.

still have a hard time asking for things, too. don't feel like i deserve it.

and i also have a terrible time with birthdays. but my last one was the best ever - thanks to the guys right here!

Anyway - all that to say - you will find that most everyone here will understand what you say and how you feel. this place has been a BIG help to me. and it sounds like you have done some good work on recovery already so will be able to help others too. that is a great feeling! hope you feel free to participate as much as you can.

Prevail!
Lee

Welcome Miguel !

I hope this is the start of some powerful healing and building of your own life and recovery. MS has a lot to offer - check out the resources pages with articles and several helpful books.

See u around!

Jamie

Hi Miguel Welcome to MS, glad to see you here.
I've found people very supportive here, that is something we all need, I'm sure you'll benefit from this site!
Please share with us as much as you can, write, go to chat, learn on important books for survivors and ask questions .
Please look in comment of Mountainous Buck (Jamie) there is link for newcomers, please open it and read it carefully, there are couple of instructions for new men here - I've found that very important for my healing when I came here !!!
Be Well!
Pero

hi miguel,
i am not a survivor but i am a mother of an abused daughter. she told me in december what her father did to her. i am so lucky i was a good enough mother that she could tell me and i stopped the abuse immediately. she is healing really well and she is a strong 15 year old girl with lots of brain. i am so proud of her.
your mother gave you a hard time even after the abuse done to you was finally over. maybe she didnt even mean anything much when she told you to be a good boy and not to make problems for her. maybe she was just worried that you kids would freak out knowing you got no father anymore. but she should have definately seen clearly when you lived on a minimum attention and minimum money possible. i feel a lot of guilt that i didnt see what was done to my daughter but they all say i had no chance. my daughter tells me she didnt change any of her behaviours because she didnt want her dad in problems, she wanted to give him one chance after the other. and she knew if she talks, he would not get a chance for anything. she didnt show ANY changes, always perfect marks at school, always good decent clothes she wore, always good attitudes towards everything, just like i always knew my child. still i feel like a stupid cow, ignorant and dumb, even if i had no chance, i feel i should have known and thats what i live with now and i also deserve that. but i am there for my child and i am laerning a lot from MS.
good luck for your healing and if you ever want to talk, i am there!

manuela

HI Miguel ,WELCOME to MS you will find the support and understanding from everyone here ,we are all here for you .Andrew.

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Hi Miguel, welcome. Sad to have to welcome you and that you need this place but glad you found us here.

Miguel,

You are a Star! You are awesome!! A survivor!!!

For some reason, I see the little boy in you - I can imagine how hard it must have been for you.

I am not an abuse survivor, I am just a passionately loving and protective mother of an abused little boy, who does not want the abuse, but his abuser will not leave him and my second son alone.

I am hoping for the best outcome for my children, but I am hoping against hope!

If you ever want to talk, we are all here for you!

A loving mum.