Scheduling conflicts and a nasty cold have kept me out of therapy for two weeks. I forget how much staying away from my feelings messes me up. I did some reading here and it all came back. The fight to keep sex out of friendship yet open up enough to let people in. The feelings of worthlessness and that somehow I'm disgusting. The feelings that I'm playing out some role instead of being who I am. The urge to escape, run away to some vacation spot and disappear. Unfortunately, my brain would come with me.

Oh, and the dreams lately. It's all at my grandparents house, relatives of every shape and form, and I'm trying to get away. People coming at me and I think if I can just close my eyes they'll be transported away from me. I open my eyes and he's gone, but only a few hundred feet away. He'll be back in no time. Nothing I can do can get him far enough away from me. Everything I valued at my grandparents house, in my dreams, is destroyed, trashed, covered in dusty plastic, so I can't get around or find my secret hiding places, secret passageways with holes in the floor so I can't use them. Dirty bathrooms with gross water all over the floor. Trying to find privacy but everywhere I turn someone's standing there looking at me, and I'm undressed. And I wake up. Frustrated and angry. So sad and depressed I cry and cry, trying to hide my tears from my wife. I tell her I had some bad dreams, but she doesn't understand what kind of dreams I'm talking about. I just want to crawl inside myself and disappear, but I try to remind myself it was just a dream. It's not happening now. I'm safe now. But for some reason today, I don't feel safe.

And a friend whom I value so much, I keep pushing him away, raising shields and acting like a jerk. My mind imagines he's just like "those men", even though he couldn't be more different. I tell him why I'm acting so stupid, but it comes out like an insult. "You remind me of my uncle." What kind of a stupid thing is that to say about a close friend?? My uncle was a child molester!! I'm such a dope. I need this healthy friendship with a man who's also been through abuse. The fear of abandonment is the abuse talking, too.

And then some guy says those words, whether real or implied. "Get over it." If I could, don't you think I would? And, "I don't have to censor myself to keep from hurting you." Gee, that sounds a lot like my uncle right before he f***** me. Sorry. Slip of the anger.

I hate that any of us have to come here. I hate having this "damage", feeling flawed just because the past won't go away. I hate being class clown when I feel so sad inside.

I have therapy next Monday. I'll be fine.

FF,

I was reading your post and got angry about something that was said to you. You were told to "Get over it." Makes me want to say, OK, let me forcibly sodomize you and then YOU get over it." That is just the anger talking and I have to remind myself not everyone has the same expereinces as the guys here. Some people just have no udea of the horror that is inflicted on others or how their lack of empathy effects others.

Sorry you are having a tough time - especially the nightmares.

Hang in there.

John

FF, sorry you are going thru so much, yeh is sucks.
I think your friend will stick by you though.
That nightmare sounds horrific and real scary, but yeah, nobody understands. How could they?
I myself would never use the words G.O.I., to anyone and I am sorry you had to hear that.

I wish you well though,

ste

you know reading you post got me looking at myself. as i looked i realized none of it has gone away for me. therapy has changed how i feel about it all, but it is all still there. i used to feel perverted and sick, disgusting as you put it. i used to want to run away, to hide somehow, and i realized that i'm still the same me i always was, only i dont feel those things now. you know, i dont feel ashamed and sick any more. i feel good really. it came to me that therapy and healing doesnt remove a thing. it is all about learning to feel good again, despite all the garbage. does that make sense?

i'm sorry you are struggling, and i hope you find peace soon. keep working and it will come a little at a time.

ForeverFighting
I think in this case your name says it all. I too am forever fighting my demons and visions of severe and violent SA. Sorry to hear you had been ill and within that period of 2 weeks your "ghosts" have returned so painfully for you.
Glad you are scheduled back in for therapy soon. I do hide and push people away too. Always wondering what are there intentions. Yet havind people in my life is what I crave so desperately. Strange paradox. I wish you good dreams and comforting arms to calm you. You are in my thoughts.
Ric

Phoster,
What you say makes a lot of sense. It never goes away, but we can change how we react.
The physical pain was temporary. The emotional pain far exceeds the physical.
Ric,
A therapeutic means of treating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is to recount the event over and over. Each subsequent retelling becomes easier,and eventually the horror of the event is diminished. Be brave and take one on.

Last month I didn’t have therapy for a few weeks when the therapist was on holiday, I missed it as it is the only place where I can really say what is going on with me and it really helps with the negative self talk.

I find it hard to explain the dreams or the tears to my partner, it is more than he can understand or deal with. I do feel resentful that he doesn’t get it and he sometimes in his helplessness to make it better has a kind of ‘get over it’ attitude.

I guess the more we deal with the hurt and the feelings of the sa the more easily triggered we get at least it is so with me. I was talking with a colleague recently who did look like my dad, I was having a really strong reaction to him and though he has nothing to do with my history it was really hard to see him objectively for who he was. It’s not stupid to have these reactions, they are powerful and real and the best we can do sometimes is to see how the past distorts our present reactions and try to deal with it as best we can.

Being told to “get over it” is the least helpful thing we can hear, as you say we would if we could, we need to talk frankly about this stuff for as long as it takes.

My hope and experience is that by sharing our experience and being open and working through this that we will become freer of this and that is how we will ‘make it go away’.

Keep fighting the good fight.

Peter.

You guys are so great. (more Kleenex) Thank you.

I was starting to slip, so frustrated by the world that my old thinking was coming out today. Instead of acting out, I made myself come here. I'm so glad I did. I laughed when I read that. So true. This is why I keep coming to this site. You guys know what it's like. Look at me. I'm crying in the middle of my office, and I can't stop. You guys understand what it's like to dream things other people have no clue about. To cry just hearing the words "Your normal." Pushing away the people we love.

I appreciate you guys very much. Thank you.

Michael