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#384597 - 02/06/12 04:54 PM "Am I triggered?? Triggered and a half!" :/
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Dealing with a lot of personal and professional stress for the past ... I don't know ... 5 months. Stressful, low-paying job ... personal issues with neighbors where they're pushing to sue me. I've probably been more stressed before but I can't remember when. Seriously, one of the most stressful points of my life is happening right now.

To that end - did a lot of meditating to teach myself not to lay awake at night fretting - didn't take any sleeping pills or herbs for the first time in weeks. Here's what ended up happening:

Had a very, and I mean VERY triggering dream. I won't go into details - they wouldn't help me or anyone else. Woke myself up feeling guilty and depressed and triggered - the triggering remains right now.

Regardless of how much of this is out of my control (my personal stress and also my dreams), I can't help but feel overwhelmed by everything that is hammering me right now. I could go into details about the personal stress but you'll have to take my word for it that I'm doing everything I can to avoid confrontation but at the same time, I've got some crazy, cranky old neighbors and they're using some crazy illegal stuff to harass my family with. I have to take it on.

What bugs me about the dream was how it didn't bother me what I was doing (acting out ... nothing illegal). Dreaming about it, I felt like I had a tuning fork in my head and it hit the C-Note. I would have done it - if I could have gotten away with it, I would have done it. Regardless of what it would do to my marriage, my family and my personal values, I would have gone for it and knowing that makes me feel guilty now.

When I woke up, I was pretty messed up emotionally and also triggered. I've decided to channel whatever it is that makes me want to see guys with swimmer's builds and zero-body fat into making myself fit that de>

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#384599 - 02/06/12 05:29 PM Re: "Am I triggered?? Triggered and a half!" :/ [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
i'm sorry. triggering can really mess up with all the progress you have made. it's f*ed up. im really sorry.

on a positive note, i dont know anyone who dont stuff themselves during the superbowl wink


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#384607 - 02/06/12 06:38 PM Re: "Am I triggered?? Triggered and a half!" :/ [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Shaun,

I am glad to hear of you working out. Making ourselves "better" is a good thing. I attempted to get more "fit" years ago but, after a while I knew I was wanting to be "more" presentable for others - especially men. I was wanting to get the attention so, others would see me as being "better" than others. I needed to be me.

I have found the "serenity prayer" to be my guide.

I am glad you spoke of your experiences. Thanks for sharing of you.

Peace,
Avery

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#384612 - 02/06/12 06:55 PM Re: "Am I triggered?? Triggered and a half!" :/ [Re: Avery46]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Shaun -

Don't blame yourself or beat yourself up or feel guilty over something you dreamed! YOU DID NOT ACT OUT! - it was all in your subconscious. You know enough to feel feel bad about it - and that is conscience - but sometimes false guilt can be a very effective tool of an over-sensitized conscience that can torture us mercilessly - very common in victims who have accepted the lie that it was their fault. You start to feel guilty about EVERYTHING. (BTW - in the Bible, Satan is called "The ACCUSER...") very apt - whether you believe in the Bible or not - the symbolism is powerful - and kind of tells you where lots of the bad feelings that are undeserved come from.

Try to be kinder to yourself - like you would to one of "us".
I don't think you need to be punished any more.
Lee



Edited by traveler (02/06/12 07:01 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#384626 - 02/06/12 08:52 PM Re: "Am I triggered?? Triggered and a half!" :/ [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Shaun,

Many people have old biddies with nothing to do but look for fault for everything happening in their area. Kids in a dead end street playing street hockey where there is no time to get up to speed and screaming at them when the balls go on their lawns and they don't even have to go on the lawn to get it are examples.

My doctor told me that our sub-conscious brain will not let anything out to us until the brain "clears it" with our bodies so we can handle it.

Keep up the work and you will persevere. Remember this is a journey. Yes, the road has many detours but the detour will lead back to the main road, whether it's a short detour or a long one. You will get back to the main road.

_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#384633 - 02/06/12 10:14 PM Re: "Am I triggered?? Triggered and a half!" :/ [Re: Sailor John]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Tell me about it - Talked with a lawyer who assured me that the HOA nonsense is exactly that: Nonsense. Everyone has a horror story about HOA and I guess that this is mine. So ... problem solved on that front.

Triggering's directly proportionate to stress so I'm already feeling better. I'm tired and wore out, physically, emotionally and mentally. Did I say that I'm missing two or three hours of sleep a night every night? Maybe I didn't but you caught it anyway. Makes sense that I'm processing everything that's happening since so much is happening all the time. I'm burned out. smile

As far as the workout goes - I've never been able to reconcile how much my triggering screws with me. Should be a simple equation and yet, I've been chasing this for years. Can't get the discipline together to work out and get into the shape that I want to see in other people (which, by the way, nobody talks about it but have you noticed how disciplined and organized your life has to be in order to get that fit? Blows my mind) and I've actually gotten accustomed to seeing the other, fit, guys and being okay with the fact that they look better than I do.

Life has been so crazy ... Some people talk about finding a job for the passion and the challenge - Man, I just want a paycheck and get my boy off of state insurance. Ppl just don't get how basic my needs are at this point and how challenging it's been just to meet those.


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#384707 - 02/07/12 12:21 PM Re: "Am I triggered?? Triggered and a half!" :/ [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Triggering much less today - got a good night's rest and things are better. Thank you for your support and your concern! smile


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#384893 - 02/08/12 11:06 AM Re: "Am I triggered?? Triggered and a half!" :/ [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Update: I'm still messed up with stress and last night told my wife honestly that I didn't trust my decisions. For the next week or so, I'll have to plan on being *very* careful about what I do and say ... triple-check it.

I think about times before when I've acted out (*really* acted out or watched porn) that I'd get caught up and had no control over myself until after the fact. I remember those times and thinking to myself "well, congratulations ... now you get to start over again."

I don't want to be in that place again - the stakes are too high for me personally and I really, *really* want to put that type of behavior behind me.

Thoughts or advice? I'm serious.


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#392569 - 04/06/12 10:47 PM Re: "Am I triggered?? Triggered and a half!" :/ [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Shaun,

Belatedly.., forgive me.

It sounds like you are very close to a breakthrough, the emotions and the fight to keep present are signs you are very close. A breakthrough is optimal in that it resolves a part of your recovery, it let's you feel the "win" of the struggle. Keep working these thoughts and emotions, be detailed in your descriptions, sharing is a matter of trust, accepting the advice, intelligent.

Mindful awareness of present, calming surroundings is very beneficial in recovery. Sunsets, sunrises, birds, trees, animals, plants... these are very rewarding to chaotic thinking. Breathing techniques, stretching exercises and calming visualizations, water falls, babbling brooks, crickets, these help train the mind to slow down.

Give them a try, and if you need help, do not hesitate to ask, ok?

Sam
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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