Lots of things have unfolded for me in the last few years, intense things, serious things, irreversible things, and all of these things I must keep private for strategic and tactical reasons.
I also know that I have to face things with my eyes open. Denial is what compounds the damages. I pay attention to my feelings, I allow myself to feel them, I work to let them come to the surface and to savor them and explore them. I have done this now for decades. Mostly I'm following Alice Miller, and I am also influenced by J. Konrad Stettbacher.
As such, it is often hard for me to do things, ordinary things like say reading. I find myself wanting to put my head down on the table just to feel what is happening. I find myself doing this and then falling asleep and having a dream, only to then awaken, to ponder the dream and try to feel it, and then to fall asleep again and have another dream.
It does make it hard for me to function, hard for me to get much done. But I know I still need to do this.
Out of habit and practice I find myself turning to meditations of a religious nature. I have come to find the depictions of the Christian God as too limiting. I have long preferred the Old Testament God, with his ability to strike out and inflict epic scale consequences. I have long been attracted to Ezekiel's vision of the Chariot, and see it in this manner. I can tell that the film maker Stephen Spielberg draws upon this for his films.
But I also know that behind the Hebrew God and his depictions are the older and not appreciated Egyptian depictions. These are done using various Neters. I find myself attracted to Horus and Seth, in their continuing battle. Horus being the one who has to face the world, and Seth being the one of anger who comes to serve the Sun God Ra by being his barge. I see this as an earlier example of the Chariot, and I see in Ra unbounded and limitless energy, an ability to strike out on an immense scale. We are not able to look directly into the Sun, but Horus the Falcon is able to.
If we are able to unleash this energy, then there can finally be redress and justice!