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#392444 - 04/06/12 05:11 AM Family Reunion
ctznken Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Ohio
Sept 2. Crap - my Perp will be there.

I'm compelled to go. My brothers and sisters will be flying in with their families and I really should go just to see them at least. If I don't go I'll be ostracized.

Tell me something - anything!

Ken

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#392446 - 04/06/12 05:33 AM Re: Family Reunion [Re: ctznken]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
This is very hard question Ken!
I would have some questions in first place if I were in your position:
Would I been hurt there by her and her behaivur?
Would she be mean/abusive to me in front of others and if we get alone?
Would I have opportunity to share as short as possible same space with here and way for escape?
Would I have some possibility to set safe border, would she/others comply?
I guess based on some answers I would decide.. .
I'm afraid that I didn't help you much...
_________________________
My story

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#392449 - 04/06/12 06:04 AM Re: Family Reunion [Re: peroperic2009]
ctznken Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Ohio
No Pero, That helped.
I guess I need to find the answers so I will know how handle it.
Good questions.

Thanks, Ken

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#392471 - 04/06/12 09:57 AM Re: Family Reunion [Re: ctznken]
rook Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 25
I'm very sorry for your pain.

May I ask a few questions?

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#392519 - 04/06/12 05:50 PM Re: Family Reunion [Re: rook]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Ken:
Take a look at "Disclosure and Confrontation for Survivors"
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer3.html

You don't need to disclose or confront but if you work through the article, you can be much better prepared. If you have a therapist, share this with him/her and decide whether you need to disclose or confront. Avoiding this only perpetuates the relationship (if any) that you have had.

You really have the power. There are examples of disclosure and confrontation in my book, "Evicting the Perpetrator- A Male Survivor's Guide to Recovery from Childhood Sexual Abuse".

Good luck. You have a number of months before September.
Ken

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#392528 - 04/06/12 07:34 PM Re: Family Reunion [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
ctznken Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Ohio
I'll look at that, Ken. I just need something of a Plan A and Plan B way of going into this (I think), to get me through the day. I'm glad I brought it up instead of worrying about it for the next 5 months.

Ken

P.S. Ask anything you want Rook.


Edited by ctznken (04/06/12 07:35 PM)

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#392530 - 04/06/12 08:20 PM Re: Family Reunion [Re: peroperic2009]
ctznken Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Ohio
Pero, you got me thinking.


"I would have some questions in first place if I were in your position:"

-Would I been hurt there by her and her behavior?
I don't expect to be physically harmed. Her attack is physiological now. She loves to push the buttons she installed so long ago.

-Would she be mean/abusive to me in front of others and if we get alone?
Yes. She loves to tell humiliating stories about me as a child.

-Would I have opportunity to share as short as possible same space with her and way for escape? (I'm not ready for Disclosure and Confrontation yet, so this is an important question.)
I'll stay as far away as possible. Or, always keep someone else at arms length. I expect close to 100 people there, like last time, so this shouldn't be too hard. Also I could come late and leave early.

-Would I have some possibility to set safe border, would she/others comply?
My mother would not comply to anything that she feels would make me feel comfortable. She never has. I maintain estrangement between us now (5 years now), but I still don't trust her in a face to face situation. Everyone in my family knows this and that putting us together could be volatile, which may work to my advantage.

Input?

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#392534 - 04/06/12 09:11 PM Re: Family Reunion [Re: ctznken]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Great Ken,
not sure but if you will have support of some family's member there and if you could manage to stay as far as possible or come late and leave early that could be good and very helpful during your time there!
Anyway Ken Singer has had good point, you have some time and even if you don't plan to confront read carefully that link. Just to get some idea and some broader insight. Read it and make sure to think on it - it will add some value to your preparation...
In the mean time work on your self-esteem. You have to be prepared also to calm yourself if there would be some nasty comment/attack from her; so make some breathing exercises in mean time just to get to know how to calm yourself and not to lost control, like these here:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...true#Post378397

and here are some exercises for self compassion which could help you with some boost of self-esteem:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...0209#Post390209

So you got a lot to work smile
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#392537 - 04/06/12 09:18 PM Re: Family Reunion [Re: peroperic2009]
ctznken Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Ohio
ok

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#392576 - 04/06/12 11:42 PM * [Re: ctznken]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:09 PM)

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