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#391945 - 04/02/12 07:19 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: Chase Eric]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3401
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
Just words - labels. We make our own reality, and sometimes we kid ourselves. Our flesh was our currency as boys - it was our power and perhaps we are united now in our guilt and dysfunction. The sexual tracks were hammered down and set. I can't change who I am now. Can I come here and really expect to exculpate myself from sinking a few of those spikes - from setting some of those rails myself?

...The paradox is simple enough: If I say it is my molester's fault, I exonerate myself but empower him. If I say it was my fault, I empower myself while at the same time convict myself of complicity; I own the shame and darkness of guilt. And there is no middle ground - for it smacks of rationalization and excuse. Middle ground is for wimps. Do we not own the marks that were painted upon us?
...
There are no easy answers, nor do I pretend to know them. And I don't even understand the questions I'm supposed to be answering. Maybe we are all just sewer rats huddling together in the gutter, trying to feel good about ourselves, seeking some sort of "normal". But it is in the moments of acceptance of that unpleasant truth that I also feel the greatest feeling of liberation. I didn't ask to make these decisions. Maybe I made the wrong ones, but I didn't ask to make them. Neither, Jeff, did you.

Maybe it's enough for now to know that we are just trying to find our way.


crying in my rice crispies here...
this is so profound. it will take me a while to work through it.

thanks for huddling together, fellow rats!
i'm proud to be included among you all
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#391966 - 04/02/12 10:46 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: traveler]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1200
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 10:13 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#391969 - 04/02/12 11:01 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3401
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jeff - you are not there yet - BUT i firmly BELIEVE - you are on your way to where and who you want to be. Be patient with yourself. be kind to yourself. maybe because you got BOTH love and pain from the man you most loved, you are repeating the pattern in the way you treat yourself. Try to love yourself just as you are. that hasn't happened enough. many guys here admire and respect you for the courage and strength you have demonstrated. try not to abuse yourself. that has already happened too much.

((((((((((((((((((((((Jeff))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#391978 - 04/02/12 11:55 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: traveler]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1200
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 10:13 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#391981 - 04/03/12 12:18 AM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Jeff,

Perhaps a lot of your healing will have to do with rediscovering yourself. Even though your memory-systems are vivid, that is not who you are. You are the person we know and see today.

Puffer

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#391986 - 04/03/12 12:32 AM * [Re: lapchinj]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:01 PM)

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#392027 - 04/03/12 09:34 AM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1200
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 10:14 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#392031 - 04/03/12 09:44 AM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1333
Loc: kansas
jeff,

you are doing great! you are making so much progress... i know it's hard to see when you are living it daily.. it's hard to see the progress, unless it's something major...

usually others will point it out and that's when you'll see it too... happens to me all the time.. can't begin to tell you how many people around me have told me that they've noticed changes in me, that i didn't see until they pointed it out.. made me feel good though because it tells me that progress is happening and that i'm getting better...

it's the same with you... you are making progress jeff...

just the fact that you started a few threads here opening up yourself to everyone here... that was HUGE!!!

plus, you are also making a lot more positive comments too... shows that your making progress in that area too....

you're getting stronger jeff... each step you take, each brick you take down from your wall, the better you become....

these are all victories jeff... every step forward in becoming a healthier person from our abusive past is a victory....

great job jeff!!! proud of ya!
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#392032 - 04/03/12 09:45 AM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Lapchinj

It is possible to reframe our childhood and our concept of self. I have been working on it since about age 45. I've had a lot of counseling and done a lot of reading. Yes it did take a bunch of time. Yes it was worth doing.

There are one or two books written about this, that is, reframing our childhood. I'll try to find them.

Puffer

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#392034 - 04/03/12 09:48 AM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1200
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 10:14 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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