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#392281 - 04/05/12 10:19 AM Fear No Longer Anyone Knowing of My CSA
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
I remember the beginning of my journey to healing. I was first taken to the psychiatric unit from my home--they thought I would take my life. But as I have said I could not take my life, but only prayed to be taken in my sleep. My wife called the police, I was handcuffed and taken out. The unit was depressing. It made me realize how some people suffer from mental illnesses that rob them of life, others who were abused trying to cope with destructive behaviors, others lost in the world because of neglect and abuse--I saw so many illnesses and disorders and realized I cannot judge others. I was asked questions about acting out with men. I was not ready to tell of my CSA and lost time--because I thought I would never get out of there if I talked about it. Hell no--lost time I would be heavily medicated. I wanted out, it was the f***ing priest fault, he is probable out having a great time and I was locked in here--checked on every 30 minutes, no shoes with laces, no razor to shave, no belt, no civilian clothes, no knives with the silverware when eating. I would sit at the table and feel sad for the people who had severe mental and emotional issues. For me my abuse was not a mental disorder or any other disorder. I was released after two and half days. It seemed like an eternity.

My stay impacted me greatly, I feared police when I saw them on the road, I closed down because if I told anyone I thought back I would go. One day someone I worked with me asked how I was, I said good--but later learned the person knew where I had been--small town and locals seem to know everything. Said if I ever wanted to talk, "there was an ear that would listen".
I was mortified, I avoided the person like the plague. It was my secret.

I no longer feel ashamed to say I am in therapy and support for CSA--this is a big step for me. I remember when I first began--I would not want to be seen going to the therapist-I would sneak in and hoped not to be seen. Except one day while waiting in a shared reception area someone I knew walked by and started talking. The T came out and at a later date I ran into him and he said I hope everything is alright. I said getting there, nothing else said and he said that is good to hear. I was sick thinking everyone in my business is going to know. I held it together and remained intact--in the past the fear would have brought back the memories and I would feel totally detached. But not this time--thought some progress. And I thought I was safe going to the support groups because they were held in public libraries. I thought with the internet who goes to libraries. Well in Fairfax Co. in VA they are packed, like Grand Central Station--meeting rooms, the library booths and reading areas--boy was I now scared to be seen--walking from the parking lot-about a 5 minute walk I held my head down. Well eventually I ran into someone from my neighborhood--I did not know him but he recognized me because I am involved in the community and he has seen my picture. I was going into SNAP--Survivors Network for Those Abused By Priests--so hard to come up with a cover with that title. He said it was great of me to being getting help and told me he had been going to Alnon for years and his children finally joined him when they realized where and what the problem was--he said the children are healing and now have bitter feelings they are working through. He told me his ex-wife is now getting help and going to several support groups--AA,Depression and Grief. He said he was proud of her and she was doing well. He said Alnon saved him and allowed him to rebuild the family relations--now no one is the really bad person. He said I was doing the right thing. He said his name so quickly I did not catch but I would know him if I saw him. At that time I was scared and did not want to look at him in the eyes. I feared will everyone in the neighborhood know--so when I saw people in the neighborhood I sliced and diced their words and looks--thinking they are looking at me funny they knew I was abused and would think of me as damaged goods. But no, there are really great people out there who do not judge and only wish the best. Took me a long time to accept, I am proud of my progress. Strangely these events helped to strengthen me--I did not leave and let the child take over. In the past the fear would have taken over and I would have lost who I was--I thought I was not strong enough to handle people knowing--I thought I would be walking around with the scarlet letters CSA--but this is not the case. So slowly I open up to others. I am still cautious because I know there are ignorant people out there who will belittle and put down the abused.

I even wrote to the Diocese where the abuse took place to try to find the bastard because I have not been able to find him on the internet. The only references to him are in the 1960's when the abuse occurred. Nothing after--is he dead, in jail. I called the parish, referred to the Diocese and told I would need to write for information. I know I made a mistake I sent the letter regular mail and not registered receipt. If I don't hear back, I will send again.

The healing process is helping to integrate the parts and I no longer feel weak and the child is no longer seeking love through abuse--it is all the child knew. The mind is an interesting thing--it can protect us during the abuse but it still harbors the abuse and when the memories are triggered it sure can be unsettling and destructive. We all react differently, like Life's A Dream I would leave and let the child take over, others numb through drugs and alcohol, others persevere through it--no matter how we cope, it is not fair that we have to cope but we cannot change what happened. I wanted to cut that part of my life out and throw it in the garbage--now I understand I thought I was garbage but I am not.

So fear is what held me back for 40 plus years. I hope not to fear life anymore but to live it.

Sorry for rambling, but lately I have so many thoughts running through my head of the abuse, other hurtful events and what I have been going through in the healing process. I am now see my fears in positive ways.

Kevin



Edited by KMCINVA (04/05/12 11:41 AM)

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#392282 - 04/05/12 10:27 AM Re: Fear No Longer Anyone Knowing of My CSA [Re: KMCINVA]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3397
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Kevin - that's not rambling, man! that's a powerful story. Congratulations!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#392295 - 04/05/12 12:18 PM Re: Fear No Longer Anyone Knowing of My CSA [Re: traveler]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
Hi Kevin,

Ditto.

That was not rambling.

You have done what I am still endeavoring to do -- work through the shame.

Congratulations!!!!

I hope you truly realize how magnitude of your accomplishment.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#392298 - 04/05/12 12:38 PM Re: Fear No Longer Anyone Knowing of My CSA [Re: Anomalous]
Dan99 Offline


Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 100
Loc: Washington DC
That's great, Kevin. Thanks for sharing it.

Reminds me of the first therapist I ever talked to about this. He said the best thing I could do was tell my story to one new person each day for a year. YIKES! Even today, when my story is not totally secret, that idea scares the shit out of me. But a little bit less than it used to.

Can't say I'm as settled and comfortable as you are. But I'm working toward it.
_________________________
Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.

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#392301 - 04/05/12 01:07 PM Re: Fear No Longer Anyone Knowing of My CSA [Re: Dan99]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
A person a day--not quite there--unless there are only 25 days in a year. It is hard at first but now it seems easier and not as daunting-I guess I have accepted the abuse after all these years and want to live. Once I started to feel good about myself it gave me hope and the push I needed to move forward. It is an indescribable feeling--

We all move at our own pace, when it is right you will be where you want to be. I think going to three support meetings a month and weekly T sessions and having this forum to vent and share and be comforted have helped me immensely.

Thank you and I know you are on your way--keep going.

Kevin


Edited by KMCINVA (04/05/12 01:10 PM)

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#392311 - 04/05/12 01:30 PM Re: Fear No Longer Anyone Knowing of My CSA [Re: KMCINVA]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Kevin,
All I can say is wow. Thanks for sharing this story. Best of luck
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#392325 - 04/05/12 03:52 PM Re: Fear No Longer Anyone Knowing of My CSA [Re: Country]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
Kevin, thanks for sharing that.

i sorta know what you mean by 2 and a half days being an eternity.

a few months after i got of Disciplinary Boot Camp, I was sent by my father to a really messed up mental hospital and stayed there for more than 2 weeks--Now that was an ETERNITY! it was one long Panic Attack! i only slept there once every 2 or 3 days and couldn't eat at all. I was absolutely terrified but knew I had to bottle it all up or they would keep me there longer. it was a pretty traumatic experience on the whole. I still shiver thinking about it and after I got out i moved across the country and was estranged from my father for over two years because of it.

I have never told any body about that experience. Thank you for letting me share that. I definitely feel your pain about this--it was horrifing and I was even taken advantage of by the intake person in a sexual way-but that compared to everything else is not even worth going into

Logan


Edited by Logan (04/05/12 03:56 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#392346 - 04/05/12 07:16 PM Re: Fear No Longer Anyone Knowing of My CSA [Re: KMCINVA]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
Kevin,
This is great! I have been off tending my own wounds for a couple of months and am both impressed and encouraged by your progress!

Chris

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#392413 - 04/06/12 12:56 AM * [Re: cris40ky]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:07 PM)

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