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#39228 - 11/29/03 05:29 AM The Picture
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
For years, I had forgotten my brother. I had forgotten even that he existed, after he died. My mother had not kept (had not been allowed to keep) any of his clothes or toys or pictures. It truly was like he never had been.

When my uncle was cleaning to move to new home last week, he was going through some boxes of old pictures and papers and such. He found a picture of my brother. He and my mother had forgotten even that it existed, just as I had with my brother himself.

My mother, she says she will make me a copy of the picture. But until she does that, she sent it to me, through email. For the first time in almost 20 years, I get to look at my brother.

I get to see how beautiful and innocent he was. The white blond hair, and the bright eyes, blue eyes like mine. But his still looked happy, in the picture, he still looked happy. He didn't have need yet to look afraid or sad. He was such a beautiful boy. I have this picture on my computer now, and I talk to him, I tell him how sorry I am, how much I miss him. I wonder if he hears me, if he still loves me, or if he is angry with me. I see his picture, and I see maybe what I could have been. I see his picture, and I think now of who he would have been, if allowed to grow up.

I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I am missing him more now. To not have him in my life, to still feel the guilt for him not being here, it is even more right now. But at least now I have his picture.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#39229 - 11/29/03 07:41 PM Re: The Picture
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Hey Alexei, that's such a wonderful story. Very sad, but wonderful all the same.

It's good to talk to those who are no longer around, I do it to my old childhood friend Mick.
He understands me.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#39230 - 11/29/03 09:20 PM Re: The Picture
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Leosha, you can be sure that where your brother is, he has no hate or anger for anyone.

Don't forget Leosha, that you were also a beautiful little child who suffered a lot. Remember yourself when you look at your brother's picture.

I think that it is all good for you. Maybe you should journal a little about it for your therapist?????

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#39231 - 11/29/03 10:21 PM Re: The Picture
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Leosha,,

This one picture of your brother that was lost long ago is a link for you. It is a link to your brother, to your childhood, and to your past. I do not know if your brother is happy with you or mad at you. You where both kids, you where both young. This picture is a joyful account of childhood. He is your brother and you still love him. I truly believe that our loved ones are never gone and talking to the picture may help them hear you.


lots of love, Nathan


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#39232 - 11/30/03 03:30 AM Re: The Picture
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Alexi,

What a wonderful find and a treasure to have, a new connection with your brother Makar.

Now your words:
Quote:
Twinkle twinkle little star, now I wonder how you are.
Shiny ball of gas and fire, I see you now flying higher.
And I know that you are made of love, little star high above.
I miss you now, and crying still, Little star above the hill.
I know that you are by my side, to hold me up as now I cry.
Little star, smiling down...A little prince without his crown.
Makar Makar, shining bright, To keep me safe every night.
Angel Makar, running free, Please keep that watch over me.
Little star, do not be sad, if you see me hurt or mad.
Please, just always send me love, I'll feel your strength from
up
above.
Hug yourself for me, your arms so tight, and keep you watch
again
tonight.
Twinkle twinkle, Makar star, I know you're close, but feel so
far.

I'll try to remember, the love of past, the hugs and tickles,
and cute
little laugh.
Knowing how special you are to me, even if I cant see you near
me
So as I lay me down to sleep, I'll count on blessings instead of
sheep.
You have always been a good brother to the memory of Makar.

Bless you,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#39233 - 11/30/03 11:28 AM Re: The Picture
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

Makar is not mad at you. The smile is for you. It was always supposed to come to you now. When he looks up to you, his big brother, and smiles, smile back.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#39234 - 11/30/03 05:54 PM Re: The Picture
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 60
Loc: New York, New York, USA
Leosha!

Hi. I can connect with what you are experiencing. I can empathize with you on this. I too had a sister for a short time in my youth. My parents have never - to this day - told me anything about what happened to her. Still, I feel very special thoughts about her, and feel sad for what happened to her. I feel very strongly that my saddness is important and neccessary. I feel it is good to feel sad about things that make me sad. Then I am being truthful with myself and others around me.

I feel that your feeelings are - as your post suggests - beautiful. The act of your speaking to him makes me cry - both for saddness and for joy. (Sadness and happiness are both very beautiful responses to what you are speaking about doing).

I feel that we can touch them with our thoughts and feelings and words. Your action of talking to him sounds beautiful to me.

I feel your doing of this is very beautiful - and hence meaningful.

You are reaching out to him and his/your youth. That is a lovely time to connect with. Go for it!

with kind thoughts from Asher

_________________________
We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and I dream of freedom and happiness and fulfillment for us all.

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#39235 - 11/30/03 06:00 PM Re: The Picture
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Alexei what a wonderful thing to get from home. Your little brother. HE LIVES IN YOUR MIND AND WILL ALWAYS. When the road gets rough think of him and that will be enough to encourage you to continue to move forward.

You will be doing it for youself and for him. Wherever he is I know that he is terribly proud of his older brother.

((((((((((((((((((((LEOSHA))))))))))))))))))))

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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