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#392237 - 04/04/12 11:51 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3197
Loc: back in the USA
*** They were fucken deaf, dumb and blind. ***

this phraase jsut gave me a flashback to The Who's "TOMMY!"
Remember that - the first rock musical - or whatever. I really loved that album - and parts of the movie were ok - though it never lived up to myexpectations or imagination.

now i know why it resonated with me so much - "Uncle Ernie" and the helplessness of the "deaf, dumb, and blind kid" - used and exploited by the adults who were so screwed up and deaf, dumb and blind themselves. i became Tommy - emotionally deaf, dumb and blind because of the CSA and bullying. That refrain haunts me: "See me, feel me, touch me, heal me." that is what we are crying.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#392271 - 04/05/12 08:58 AM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: traveler]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1124
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 10:15 PM)
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place You Visit

It will get better....

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#392272 - 04/05/12 08:58 AM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
I've read this thread with shock, sadness and horror. I cannot imagine the guilt and shame you feel and I appreciate you sharing it with us. Please know that I feel bad for you - feel sorrow for you - feel pity for you.

It boggles my mind that someone could convince you to do such a thing and also put all of these like-minded sickos together. What a world.

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#392353 - 04/05/12 08:06 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1124
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 10:16 PM)
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place You Visit

It will get better....

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#392383 - 04/05/12 11:12 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6708
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: lapchinj

Yeah I still can't figure out how no one picked up that something was wrong when your not talking. I remember very well the scout story. What about your parents, didn't they find that strange?


I didn't lose my voice immediatly after that scout event. So there was a time delay of about a year and a half.

So you're asking - doesn't that make it even harder to understand? Yes and no.

I got abused again twice after the scout fiasco. Maybe more than that. I have never posted here about the other instances of abuse. It all just added up to a huge, huge burden. Once a kid is abused and loses his sense of self, the vultures start circling overhead.

My parents sensed something was wrong ( boing! shocked ) after the scout camp stuff, so they sent me to an ear-nose-throat doctor. It took over a year. The guy was an old wizened wizard. They arranged for me to check in at the ENT Hospital for tonsillectomy. I was age 13 and in 8th grade. I was being shunned by the other kids at school. The football coach contributed his verbal abuse. The assistant scout leader (a different one) abused me yet again (csa). When I emerged in the morning from the operating room my voice was real scratchy and I couldn't talk. (So big, big surprise!) But my voice didn't heal. It stayed as a scratchy whisper. Nobody knew what to do.

Essentially it stayed that way for several years. After finishing 9th grade the family moved to a different city. I was getting ever more and more depressed. I was starting (age 15) to think of suicide. After eating lunch all alone I would find an empty classroom and cry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdkNn3Ei-Lg&feature=youtu.be

Finally I got to a crisis point. But instead of doing anything rash, I went to the social worker in the nurse's office Monday morning. I wrote a note that I couldn't talk. She arranged for me to get speech therapy. I got to leave Latin class early once a week and walk to a nearby school for speech therapy. I was in speech therapy for several months. Of course it wasn't helping because I didn't have anything structurally wrong with my voice. Finally I worked up enough courage to tell the speech therapist that: "I really could talk." But I only talked when by myself. The speech therapist said: "Ohhhhhhhhhh.............."

She arranged for me to have counseling therapy. I was still 15. They didn't know what to say about abuse in those days. I went to about a dozen sessions. The therapist asked me to have my mother come in for a private session. I crept up to the door and listened for a minute. The therapist asked my mother: "Why don't you love your son?". She replied weakly: "I do!". That's all I heard. I crept away again. It took me many years to realize that she or they were meeting privately with my parents. My parents finally told me to take their credit card and buy some clothes for myself in the big city. I was very timid and I only bought one shirt.

A few years later the first book about abuse in English was published there:

http://www.amazon.com/Child-Abuse-The-Developing-Series/dp/0674114264/

I suppose there was a link between my child psychology therapist and the author of that book.

I was like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4zh20Cmj9k





Puffer






Edited by pufferfish (04/05/12 11:25 PM)

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#392410 - 04/06/12 12:47 AM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: pufferfish]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1124
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 10:16 PM)
_________________________
Depression Feels Like Home, and Happiness is Just a Place You Visit

It will get better....

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