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#392340 - 04/05/12 05:54 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: Gretta]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Gretta
That is a piece of it, from the abuse perspective he has been doing very well and has alot to be proud of. He has come a long way.

He is also by nature a very spoiled person. That's crazy to say about a person who was abused by his father but it was so messed up in his family. On the other side he was the only boy with three older sister, he was "The King"! They called him that and his sisters had to wait on him hand and foot. There were no consequences in normal sense. His mother always made excuses for his bad behavior, it was someone elses fault. You know the type.

I feel bad for him. But as someone very smart and special said to me I am entitled to feel safe in my own life and when he drinks I do not feel safe.



I'm sorry about it, Gretta. Sounds like he was a spoiled brat who learned women are just there to serve him. That's messed up. ;( Drunks are hell to live with. He may not have hit rock bottom yet. Who knows, he might come back to you once he's better after hitting rock bottom. You can always hope.


Edited by phoenix321 (04/05/12 05:56 PM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#392347 - 04/05/12 07:29 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: Avery46]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 409
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I am sorry Gretta. Truth is, though, that he is, in some ways, still a little child. When he was abused, part of him was frozen in little child mode. Then, when he drank, part of him got stuck again. You did the right thing, but never tell my wife that.

Ok, she already knows. I am certain that she would kick me out if I started the cyber and webcam stuff, as well she should. If I started drinking again, she should also, even though there is no explicit agreement on that. The fact is, you have kids and they deserve to feel safe too. Can't be safe while you husband is drinking and drunk.

Should you guys get back together, this time, tell him NO alcohol, unless it's a sip during comunion. I can do that. If I drank a glas of wine, I would be dead. Perhaps literally. An alcoholic can not have even one drink. Even if it seems like he's ok, that one drink will lead back to where you are now.

Again, I am sorry.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#392377 - 04/05/12 10:57 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: herowannabe]
photoangela75 Offline


Registered: 04/04/12
Posts: 5
Amen Herowannabe!!!!


Edited by photoangela75 (04/05/12 10:57 PM)

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#392391 - 04/05/12 11:52 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: herowannabe]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
A someone who went through the wringer prior to getting sober, I can say that no one could stop my drinking but me. My ex left me because of my drinking, which in retrospect I am actually thankful to her for since when she did it made the problem mine and no one else's, which created a motivation in me to change for my own sake and in tandem with working hard on my recovery from csa is why I'm sober today. The best thing you can do for your husband is what you are doing for yourself ~ setting healthy boundaries I mean. I'm not saying leave him or giving any other such brash advice. Rather, just do what you need to do to stay healthy and strong. Its amazing how much that rubs off on everyone around us:)
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we値l change the world.


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#392450 - 04/06/12 06:10 AM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: Gretta]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Gretta

Sorry that this is happening.

Dar has a point here, you allowed him to have a glass of wine??? He is an Alcoholic, and should NOT drink at all, and visits to the local chapter of AA should be part of the weekly ritual. But then again the others speak volumes of truth. HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN HEALING. If you pack him off to an AA meeting, he is doing it because of you and NOT for himself.
I have often turned people away from our room when they tell me that their wife or GF told them they had to come.
My words to them are, WHEN YOU REALIZE THAT YOU ARE POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL, AND YOUR LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE, come back, our doors are always open.

Stick to your guns, I might sound harsh and It might be hard for other survivors to swallow but You have to be tough.

My ideas on this are if you choose to heal as a survivor then DO IT. Respect the rules and understand the pain that you have caused the family (through no fault of our own) but accept the reality, deal with it and move on.

Sometimes it is easier to "fall" than for the survivors to face reality, and yes sometimes when we are triggered and the pain is so immense a drink might seem like the answer, its not, and he will never learn this if you don't push through with the consequences.

Stick to the rules, but most of all look after yourself, never neglect the impact that this has on you and the children.
Watch out for those Co Dependent tendencies and make sure that you are here because you love yourself, that you are doing this for YOU, and not that you are doing this because it makes you feel better that you are helping him.
At the end of the day if things go wrong (and I pray they don't) You will need to be able to exist on your own and know that you are capable of facing life alone as a confident whole person, not a broken bitter wreck because you GAVE HIM everything.

Stay strong and heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#392492 - 04/06/12 01:04 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: whome]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Agreed when you say that one glass of wine is too many. Once someone crosses the line into alcoholism with their drinking the only way to recover is thru complete and total abstinence. Some may disagree with the rigidity of my thinking concerning this but I am not simply speaking from my own experience. I have seen too many people I know personally fail to understand this and suffer far worse consequences that being kicked out of the house. Fact is some people's bottom when it comes to addiction is to end up under the ground, which I have witnessed as well.

I look at alcoholism like having an allergy or a disease like diabetes. One may never be cured of the condition yet recovery is possible by way of abstaining from the substance that triggers a negative reaction. For example, I don稚 eat shell fish or else I値l break out in hives and my throat will close. My alcoholism is no different, and like with shell fish failure to pay attention to my condition by not taking certain precautions will lead to disastrous consequences. Just my thoughts.

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we値l change the world.


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#392493 - 04/06/12 01:06 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: whome]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Thank you everyone and I appreciate your input.

This was my perspective on the whole thing...

I believe my husband has a problem with alcohol but until CSA came to light he was a perfectly good social drinker. There were times over our past 15 years that I was not proud of his behavior but he didn't drink every day, miss work or even get drunk on a regular basis. He doesn't need alcohol to get through each and every day. Gave it up for lent 4 years ago.

So to allow him a glass of wine at dinner seemed fine. In hind sight esposa is right.

As memories would hit him that's when he would secretly drink. Tuesday night was because he was mad at me. You are 100% correct in some ways he is alittle boy and that was his way of acting out. He's mad that I am going on a very special trip with a girl friend of mine. I was invited to a once in a lifetime trip basically all expenses paid and he's jealous. It's frustrating because when he went to the superbowl I was so happy for him. I would have liked the same response.

He agreed last night that he is surprised by the consequences because as a child he didn't have them. Never felt loved because no one loved him enough to make him accountable. I think he is going to rise to the occasion.

I am reading Codependent No more. So far I identify way to well.

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#392494 - 04/06/12 01:12 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: Gretta]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I can relate to what you say about secret drinking to cope with the csa. That fit me perfectly near the end of my drinking, when I was all consumed with what happened to me as a boy and could only deal with the feelings by numbing them with alcohol. I had always drank and perhaps I had become an alcoholic years before but the drinking in isolation and the increase in my consumption definitely progressed the longer I left the issues surrounding my sexual abuse unresolved. All of that said, I don't live in regret about my past drinking. I drank for good reasons, namely to deal with feelings about the abuse, but in the end I was left with two problems rather than just one so I had to find new ways of dealing with an old problem, if this makes any sense. The upside is that when I got sober and started working on my csa issues in earnest the desire to drink declined rapidly. It was like I just didn稚 need to anymore.
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we値l change the world.


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#392501 - 04/06/12 03:19 PM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: jls]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
Originally Posted By: jls
The upside is that when I got sober and started working on my csa issues in earnest the desire to drink declined rapidly. It was like I just didn稚 need to anymore.


That gives me hope! Thanks

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#392584 - 04/07/12 12:49 AM Re: Shocked by the Consequences [Re: Gretta]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I'm glad that it does:)
_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we値l change the world.


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