Sure I can look at another man and think he is attractive or handsome, but I don't think that I've ever had a crush on another man and want to do something physically. There was a time with my "best" friend when we were young (14 or so) where I spent the night at his house and we started groping each other, and we used to masterbate at the same computer together, but I didnt get off looking at him or anything, and we both had our favorite scene in the films to get off at. I think when we groped each other (he started it) that I was just acting on the abuse I experienced as a younger child. I knew nothing different. It makes me mad that all this had to happen to me and I wonder if it messed up my brain's wiring. Because now I don't know what I want. I'm afraid of commitment and get anxious around anyone I talk with. It's something that plagues my mind every minute of the day. It prevents me from functioning at a normal level, paying attention in class, paying attention to a conversation. Therapists are too expensive for me to talk too.
I came out to my "best" friends (the one i had had my teenage experience with) one time during a mushroom trip. I had an anxiety attack and told them my feelings and I told them I found men attractive and how i might be bi/gay, how I was abused at a younger age. . Now I rarely talk to them anymore. I work with one of them and it's just weird being around each other, I am really uncomfortable. I don't think they understand really what im going through. Now that i've researched and have really payed attention to my feelings, I don't think im bi/gay. Sure I find other men attractive and i'm constantly checking out women and wishing I could be with them. I just can't connect or allow someone into my life.
I want to function like a normal man (have confidence, strong will, connection with women on a romantic level, feelings, ect.)
Thank you for responding somatic. My intro to this site explains what ive been through up until this time in my life, if you care to read. But it's nice to have someone to listen and help explain feelings and events in our lives.