Newest Members
cricket1007, Nickie98, jahfree, Daryl X., tryintothrive
12496 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
joeybird (54), ladyinwaiting (46), txpearl (46)
Who's Online
1 registered (sentry), 11 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12496 Members
74 Forums
64165 Topics
447757 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#392101 - 04/03/12 10:37 PM this might help?
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
It may be obvious to everyone else - but it just occurred to me...

like somebody else said on another thread, i have several "self-images" that can be linked to the ways i was at various ages - my 6-year-old self, my 11-year-old self, my 13-year-old self, my 16-year-old self, my present adult self. i chose those ages because those are the ages i was when significant events took place and i now can recognize that i thought and felt and saw things differently at those stages.

now sometimes i find myself reacting to something as if i was one of those "younger selves" instead of my present age. example - something that is said or done triggers me and i react inappropriately or over-react because i am feeling the same sensitivity or pain that i experienced as a 13-year-old when something similar happened (or at least the triggering event is causing me to *feel* as though the event is similar - event though it may not seem similar in an obvious way to someone else.)

So what i am wondering is - - - if i can slow down and force myself to identify which "younger self" is reacting to a particular situation - maybe i can figure it out and bring myself back to my present age and deal with it in a more sane and balanced and reasonable way?

does any of this make sense? - has anyone ever tried it? does it work?

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#392108 - 04/03/12 11:08 PM Re: this might help? [Re: traveler]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1486
Hi, Lee -

My road here to this forum essentially started when I spent an evening alone with a diary I kept when I was 12 going on 13. I didn't divulge a thing of my abuse to that journal because I was terrified prying eyes would find my shame scribbled across the pages. It was the year everything started. Yet nothing of it was mentioned.

I brought the diary, recently found at the time, to a therapy session and told my therapist about it - and that little Eirik mentioned nothing of the abuse. He told me something I never forgot - that if I read it carefully, I would hear that little boy.

Ten years later, the confluence of the Penn State Scandal and being unexpectedly alone in a cabin in the woods with nothing but a fireplace and a laptop - and that diary - gave me the opportunity to put what my therapist said to the test. I am happy to say, my T was right...

For me - and perhaps I suspect many others here - CSA came down on our fragile time-lines like a meat cleaver. I didn't grow from 13 to 17 as a gradual and continuous process - I was amputated from the child I was before the abuse. Looking at and understanding the abuse without little Eirik's perspective is like looking at a picture book of the Grand Canyon and saying that you've been there. The adult remembers only what has survived the filtration process, but the child knows what it felt like, what it smelled like, what it sounded like with every sense - he knew what it meant at the deepest levels. It is in listening to that little by that I become whole again. It is in exploring and reading what he had to say that I learned to listen to myself, perhaps even forgive myself.

Until I read the diary, I didn't really remember the first time it happened. Now I know I went into the woods with my friend on April 29th of that fateful year. I emerged from those woods carrying a frog and a secret. That was when the cleaver came down on me.

I say all this because I think - for me at least - it turns your question inside out. Can you possibly figure any of this stuff out without standing in the size 8 Buster Browns of your "younger self"?
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#392109 - 04/03/12 11:24 PM Re: this might help? [Re: Chase Eric]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Thanks, Eric - that makes a lot of sense.
also very sensitively and wisely expressed.
what i'm trying to get a grip on at the moment is - is it possible to do this in a more immediate way - so there is not such a time-lag between the trigger and the "oh, yeah - that's why!" ... so i don't make a fool of myself so often and put my stupid foot in someone else's unsuspecting mouth!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#392117 - 04/04/12 12:34 AM Re: this might help? [Re: traveler]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1486
Hi, Lee -

I know of no shorthand for this process. Perhaps I have the same problem you do in that regard. On the other hand, I suffer the distinct advantage of being a slow typist. By the time I hammer out the last letters of any given reply, enough time has elapsed that most of my responses are far from immediate.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
#392121 - 04/04/12 01:50 AM * [Re: Chase Eric]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:03 PM)

Top
#392127 - 04/04/12 02:18 AM Re: this might help? [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Gary - it's OK - keep at it - this is how we work it out - a little here, another bit there - more details later. sooner or later it starts to make sensse and fit together. thanks for the response. just having others answer is a big help.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#392152 - 04/04/12 08:46 AM . [Re: traveler]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:12 PM)

Top
#392153 - 04/04/12 08:50 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:11 PM)

Top
#392162 - 04/04/12 09:42 AM Re: this might help? [Re: Life's A Dream]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
LAD - it just started to come up - the awareness that i'm responding as my 13-year-old self, or as a 6-year-old version of me or whatever. it's not like an out-of-body thing or any visual phenomenon. More like after i react - i sometimes stop and think - that's how i felt back then. Not a normal adult type of behavior - immature - but almost like an emotional flashback. sort of filling in the blanks. The thing i'm trying to accomplish is - if i could figure that out while i'm feeling it - which self is this and why? and then self-correct before i react inappropriately or immaturely or overly emotionally or whatever...

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#392167 - 04/04/12 10:37 AM Re: this might help? [Re: traveler]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1486
Originally Posted By: traveler
LAD - it just started to come up - the awareness that i'm responding as my 13-year-old self, or as a 6-year-old version of me or whatever. it's not like an out-of-body thing or any visual phenomenon. More like after i react - i sometimes stop and think - that's how i felt back then. Not a normal adult type of behavior - immature - but almost like an emotional flashback. sort of filling in the blanks. The thing i'm trying to accomplish is - if i could figure that out while i'm feeling it - which self is this and why? and then self-correct before i react inappropriately or immaturely or overly emotionally or whatever...

Lee

Sounds like you are trying to do an enormous amount of stuff in one step, Lee. Am I understanding this correctly? You want to trace the almost limbic responses you have back to different categories of your childhood, compare that child's response to other categories of appropriate adult responses, and temper your responses along those lines?

Not all of us can be Watson on Jeopardy (certainly not me!). I wonder if you have tasked yourself with something others have spent a lifetime trying to figure out.

For me - at this point - the journey is enough. It's plenty enough just to know that I do get transported back in time to the child I was. But then again, why not? So many people see adulthood as separate from childhood - the language gives it away. "I grew up" or "I grew out of that." It's as if the child dies and the adult emerges.

I see it a bit differently - more like layers of an onion. As we mature, the child is always there - deep inside the center of who we are. Some of us have so many layers we've forgotten that he's still in there. This thing we call adulthood? Maybe it's just a big fancy coat - dressing up that little boy and making him look, act, and think like a man. Our toys get bigger and better and more expensive, but we are still wonderfully selfish brats capable of all kinds of mischief and love under our austere exteriors.

I think that the center of the onion is more like a bright light. In some adults, you see a glow - that's the light beaming intensely through the layers. In others, you just see a dull exterior - the light isn't out, rather they've covered it in so many layers that they've lost touch with it. We're all just onion lights in this world.

So could it be that you need a paradigm shift? Maybe what you've accomplished is something truly wonderful and yet you see it as a problem. Maybe you have finally managed to take a knife, go to the heart of that onion, and touch the center for the first time in many years. And here you are, trying to get back to the outer layers.

Maybe the child's response is the most appropriate and emotional choice. Maybe you are trying to add more layers to the onion, when in fact you should be peeling it further to the fresher fruit below. I say let that onion light shine.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.