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#392044 - 04/03/12 10:49 AM I'm not a fun person
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I want to kind of pour this out there. I am no fun. I don't socialize, I analyze, I am intense, I am on hyper-vigilance much of the time, I don't drink/drug so that cuts some socializing (but I was an isolator with that stuff anyway), I am uptight, I am nervous about ever being sexual so I tighten up and sort of hold myself somewhat too self-aware, I can be moody, lightly hostile, abrasive, harsh, blunt, quick to react, very much based in my intellect - basically I am incapable (for today) of being lighthearted and carefree.

I can go to groups, both 12 step and abuse related, til the cows come home and I wonder if that will lighten me up. I am afraid to take time for myself to enjoy things but life doesn't make any sense without that. Also, I tend to think in terms of enjoying things by myself. Right there, that's erroneous thinking.

Can anyone identify or maybe help point out some things I might not be seeing? I think I'm afraid that the things I enjoy are somehow wrong or someone will laugh at me for what I like or belittle me and yet I am 46 years old. I know I stopped having fun around the time of being abused.

I have all of this serious life stuff hanging over my head like debt, career and relationship/abuse issues but what the fuck am I doing if I can't enjoy any parts of my life? Is it because I don't feel I deserve it? Is it because I don't feel it is manly to love one's life openly? I am a loving person who desperately wants to be openly loving and caring but it doesn't match the picture I have inside of being a grown up male. I have a cold, rejecting, humiliating, abasing father and I have sexually dominant men for my role models inside of me that were created during formative years. How do I become the man that I see that I can be? How do I reject the men inside of me? I have guilt and conflict about living differently than the men from my past.

I want to have fun again and not be afraid to think about enjoying my life and at the same time being a responsible, fully employed, bill paying, full time grown up who has some social life and some balance that I've never had and only now am I recognizing.

After reading this, I also wonder, where does sex come in to my life? I've avoided it for many years by trying to control it through anorexic(?) behavior or trying to deny it or think it through or talk to one single therapist about it, who doesn't really get it. So much of this post has to do with trying to cope with my sexuality all on my own with no friends, with no lightness, with no help, without guidance, with total fear and so much of that has to do with not only my male abusers but my mother's sexual degradation and objectification of me coupled with my father's loathing of me.

What a fucking stew of crappy hidden warped messages I lived with. I just want to be capable of being loving.

I get nervous when I post things like this but I'm going to do it anyway.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#392047 - 04/03/12 11:34 AM Re: I'm not a fun person [Re: EdfromNYC]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1428
EdfromNYC

You can have fun--find a group or activity (other than CSA related), that you have an interest in--a hobby or charity group. You can go, be there to help others in a different way--the sick, the elderly, fund raising for a good cause, civic event. You will meet some nice people, take it easy, laugh with them, talk with them--do not think and don't over analyze. There are great people out there. I too would analyze every situation, I was afraid to open up, I feared rejection, I feared being used, I did not trust. But I found people who have been great--no judgments a gentle smile and attentive ear. I learned to laugh and find joy. I will keep going--to have laughter, joy and happiness in life and most importantly to be able to trust gives life a new meaning. Do not give up on yourself--there are people for everyone. I am sensitive to those that will use me, take advantage of me--I think I am now a better judge of one's true character--

Keep going, get out there--do not let the fear take hold. Good luck.

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#392052 - 04/03/12 12:16 PM Re: I'm not a fun person [Re: KMCINVA]
rook Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 25
Ed having read a bit of your story here, I wonder if I might ask a question.

Are you unable to go out and have fun because your waiting for somebody to come abuse you in that moment like when your were 13?

Your "moving" post suggested you were out looking for something, not sex, jsut a connection and well, I would ask if thats whats holding you back from going out?

Just some thoughts not trying to be rude or anything.

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#392055 - 04/03/12 12:41 PM Re: I'm not a fun person [Re: rook]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
Hi Ed,

Thank you for sharing this and making yourself vulnerable by exposing this. I think its inspiring to read posts like these because these types of disclosures are what leads to healing!

I, like you, have been described as very tense, blunt, etc etc. Just like you.

What I learned: It's been told to me my whole life but I refused to listen or heed the advice: Follow your heart. What your heart desires, do it.

For me, it meant getting a dog. Learning how to hang glide. Getting a keyboard to start playing music again. Listening to music. Etc etc. Everything my heart desires, I now try to take some time to find a way to do it. And if I don't know what my heart desires, to learn how to listen to it.

One more thing - learn to love yourself. This is different for everyone. But it is essentially the task of learning self acceptance.

These two things act counter to life long training of being self loathing and angry / intense.

I know you're in 12 step - "acting as if" works miracles in this part of recovery.

Godspeed.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#392070 - 04/03/12 03:18 PM Re: I'm not a fun person [Re: EdfromNYC]
Gmone Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 23
Loc: NC
EdfromNYC

I may not be able to help you, but you have helped me. I can relate perfectly to everything you have described here! I too, am no fun. My abuse has left me uptight, serious, and afraid to have fun-always "on guard". I am so overly analytical, this is my first post!

We have to get past being nervous. In the short time I've been coming here, I've learned that if you(or I) am thinking/feeling it, others are too. Every post you-everyone of us-writes helps others in so many benefical ways!

It is a "stew of crappy messages" we have lived with! I find it even embarrassing that I have bought into those messages all my life. Like you, I am determined to change that way of thinking!

Thanks for posting, Gmone
_________________________
Working hard towards change. There...my first positive, personal affirmation in 52 years!

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#392075 - 04/03/12 05:49 PM Re: I'm not a fun person [Re: EdfromNYC]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1200
Ed -

I can definitely relate to the controlling mentality. I'm not sure I can say that is your issue (I'll leave that to a good T), but it was mine for a little while. I can certainly relate to the forces in some of us - in our experiences - that drive us in that direction.

All I can do is share - and hope that perhaps something will resonate...

I was a mischievous kid, a bit of a scamp. When the abuse hit me, that freedom and abandon just left - I became locked in and closed up. I felt lost - like I lost my personality. My mischievous secrets were replaced with dirty ones. I used to hide frogs and snakes in the house. Now I hid myself and the insane intensity of sexual intercourse that my older neighbor forced me to submit to. I clamped up and clenched up so tightly to keep all the secrets inside. Not just mentally - I saw pictures of myself right before my abuse, and again during my abuse. I can see the difference! My avatar at the time I am posting this (I tend to change them around) - me in the red sweater resting my chin on my hand - was right at the start of my abuse. That smirk disappeared very quickly...

The pictures after that? Standing at rigid attention, every button in place, hair tightly combed. Forced smiles. I became a control freak. I had to contain that big unknown toxic mixture that was me. I remember thinking that my entire character was gone - I was an empty shell. I missed me. I really did. I don't know where I went, and that really was an incredibly sad thing.

My situation - it's resolution - was probably atypical. I moved across the country at 20, changed to my middle name, dyed my hair blond and assumed another identity. I hated who I was and all the nasty secrets. It wasn't a schizoid break, but a very planned makeover of my character, my identity. I became my own evil twin in a sense. It was simple: if I feel it, I'll indulge it. I gave myself the freedom I couldn't back home. I made it even easier by changing my name and my hair - I could release the dragons within me and no one would know it was me....

By the time my brown hair grew back (I was a lousy blond!), I was back to being the scamp and crazy boy I was before. I somehow reconnected to him. Perhaps to my misfortune, I went backward instead of forward. Sometimes I think I'm still stuck there, that my years of teen abuse have created a wall between who I was and who I am. Maybe part of me is still in the "was". But I know I don't want to be on that wall again - rigid, locked up, uptight. Yet sometimes it's still so easy to go there. In a moment of indecision or insecurity, little Eric scampers away and the wall comes back. But for the most part, I keep that in check.

I once heard something about bravery. If you're scared sh*tless, just pretend your not. Pretend you are that brave person you want to be. And - amazingly - everything else follows - like magic! You ARE brave. I think that's what I did - I pretended I was back to that little scamp again. I pretended I was ME again. I had nothing to lose, nothing to prove. I knew no one, and had no drive to keep secrets in a big anonymous city with greater secrets of it's own (Los Angeles). I simply lived my life as if no one was looking. And, to my amazement, it worked.

So, Ed - maybe that can work for you. Maybe not. The uptight Eric does like to creep back now and then. During one particularly difficult period when I lost my father, I saw a T and let him know that I thought no one wanted to know me or be my friend. He wisely pointed out that my facial expressions and body language all screamed "stay away!" Sure enough, people do read us sometimes better than we think. If we act like we have something to hide, people don't want to know us. He had me try an experiment for one week: make no effort to hide ANYTHING. Just be me - don't necessarily volunteer everything, but don't feel like anyone is a threat. Anyone can ask me ANYTHING and I'll answer truthfully, with nonchalance.

That was ten years ago. The "experiment" continues. It's my life. I have a lot of friends, and I hide only enough to keep myself safe. Sort of like acting like I'm brave. But instead, I'm just acting like I'm me. It's easy. Because I AM me. smile

I don't know, Ed. But I can share that. I don't know if it will help. Maybe you just need to... pretend?
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#392078 - 04/03/12 06:22 PM Re: I'm not a fun person [Re: Chase Eric]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
Eric you have such a beautiful way with words!

To summarize your last two paragraphs (and what a beautiful experiment to do) "The truth shall set you free."

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#392081 - 04/03/12 06:36 PM Re: I'm not a fun person [Re: Chase Eric]
Human Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 61
Loc: private
Hi Ed,

NYCity is different than most places. I would think you can't go make freinds with just anybody around the block.

I live in the country but my father used to live in NYC and I spent a lot of time there. My dad explained a lot of how life in the Big Apple works. Definately NOT a country town. Central park was a life saver for me.

In my regoin I find I meet the best people at the wildlife shelter, also some seasonal restoration of the lands, rivers and forest type projects and the best has been The Humane Society. Not sure if The Humane Society is a good fit for you in NYC, but here we are a group of all types...simple folk (like me) and everything in between right on up to serious lawyers. Maybe something like The Humane Society would be a good place to start. You can think of it as pet and people therapy?! smile Maybe there's something you can join that is social and fun in Central Park, the museum, bird watching or the zoo?

I am coping with much of what you posted. I don't have a therapist, yet. I am just starting to figure out my own crap in my own simplstic ways. Just thought I'd add my 2 cents.

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#392170 - 04/04/12 11:30 AM Re: I'm not a fun person [Re: Human]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
The act of writing about who I've become in ways I don't like is in itself helpful. Its an admission of something that I am ready to start changing and I guess that's why I can admit it.

The simple suggestions of just getting involved in something is really helpful. I find reasons to not simply get started but if others have done it, I feel I can do it too. I think things like Humane Society sound enjoyable. Concrete suggestions based in others experience are very relatable and helpful.

Also, following ones passion makes sense. My idea of being a fun person was to always make sure others were having fun rather than having fun/enjoyment/fulfillment for me and pursing my passions. I pushed my passions down deep but its time to bring them back out.

One more thing - I have recently had moments of living like no one was looking and it has meant a real freedom at times. My work now is to uncover/rediscover my passions, embrace them as mine and as valuable and let them guide me.

I didn't want to get too specific to each person who posted but every single guy gave me something here. Believe me, I am not a terse person so I could write all day to each one but this is a simple thank you for accepting what I wrote and relating to me and giving feedback.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#392172 - 04/04/12 11:42 AM Re: I'm not a fun person [Re: rook]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Quote:
Are you unable to go out and have fun because your waiting for somebody to come abuse you in that moment like when your were 13?

Your "moving" post suggested you were out looking for something, not sex, jsut a connection and well, I would ask if thats whats holding you back from going out?


Thank you for asking such a direct question. This has been part of it for me. I thought the sexual connection with my abuser was something other than what it really was. I took it and in my brain made it into something else to make me feel better.

My acting out with men sexually post-abuse became a very shameful area of "enjoyment/fun" for me. I enjoyed the pursuit and sex and thought I was getting attention and appreciation for who I was and at some point some man would see my value and make me feel my value.

I was very confused by this and until recently, part of the reason I avoided socializing was to avoid my conflict where I was sort of completely intimidated by other men and overwhelmed by my own fears of what did I really want and trying to manage too much conflict inside of myself without ever having told anyone and never feeling comfortable because I did not understand or have any way out of the maze in my head. I was also ashamed of having pursued sex in the way that I did and with the people that I did.

Now that I've been in a group, in therapy, on here, I have a lot less noise inside my head and I can start to see that its no longer necessary for me to avoid life and relationships.

I've taken advantage of a lot of help in the last couple of years and its kicking in, I guess. I'm glad you wrote what you did. Thanks.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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