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#39203 - 04/19/05 12:25 PM struggling *TRIGGER*
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
Accept and love yourself, be true to the inner you, and you will finally have happiness and peace. Great words to say and hear.

I have become numb and hopeless, maybe worse than ever. When I tell someone of my abuse, they always get this kind of grimace on their face. It is one of those looks that says something awful happened to me, something they find gross. Looking back, I think to my self how it should have been this awful thing, and how the acting out should have been awful. The problem is when I look back, I smile. God help me! I loved every minute of it.

From the start, it was like living some grand adventure. You know, I have people now tell me they envy me. Imagine! Iíve lived and done things that most never have. Iíve lived the fantasies that others only dream.

The problem is where do I go now? Iíve been the pro athlete, but Iím not him now. Now I work a routine, boring, thankless job. Iíve lived sexual things that are as far as a person can go without breaking the law. So where to I go now? How do I fill the void left? Iím always reliving the glory days, the days when I was living. Where do I go now? How do I find contentment with normal life when Iíve lived so large?

Over time, Iíve grown old over this. Iím numb now. I feel like therapy has shown me the way to freedom, but I am too much a coward to follow through. Accept my self, love my self, and be the real me. Thatís all great, but what happens when Iím not allowed to be the real me any more? The real me is that kid who had group sex, threesomes and slept with dogs. How do I be the real me?

It feels like all of this has been for nothing. After all the therapy, and all the work to learn to love myself again, what does it really matter? So I love myself, so what? Life is still empty because I can never be what I was. I will never again be the free spirit I was. When youíve lived so large, how can the smallness of real life fulfill you?

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#39204 - 04/19/05 04:51 PM Re: struggling *TRIGGER*
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
Dear Phoster,

It sounds like you are very frustrated with where your recovery journey has taken you. I can appreciate much of what you say. I don't have many answers, I'm afraid.

One thing I'll note is that I do not let the SA in my past to define who I am. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I was SA as a kid/teen. And that this horrible part of my past has, indeed, changed me in ways that I'm just learning about. But it does not make me "me." There are so many other things and good people who have shaped me and influenced me. These have made me "me" as well. So, why should I focus only on the SA and how it shaped me? I shouldn't.

I don't know if that helps at all. Perhaps not. But if we can put things into perspective and see ourselves as much greater than the effects of the SA, I believe we're on the way to healthier, more balanced lives.

_________________________
bkeithb

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#39205 - 04/19/05 04:59 PM Re: struggling *TRIGGER*
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
When we're kids, how are we supposed to know that what this perp is doing to me isn't a good thing? Especially when you come from a cold family like mine where the only "affection" I got was from this sick uncle. After a while, being the rag became my identity. It seemed like the only thing I was good at was making men want me.

Just because a part of me thought it was good doesn't mean that's who I am. I've come to acknowledge that there are some other things good about me. It's not what you do. It's who you are. It's who you're with, and the healthy relationships we can have. And maybe it's finding your specific purpose, what makes you feel like you've made the world a better place. For me, I use my past to help kids. My wife and I latch on to the kids we're around and try to be there for them, listen to them when nobody else will, and take them for ice cream. We've ended up having all these kids that think we're the most wonderful people in the world. (What a let-down they're in for.) But at least for now, if they ever feel like they have nowhere to turn, they will feel like it's OK to call us. It's giving them what I never got. Giving them the out I never had.

Everybody's got their own thing. I just don't believe for a moment that living "sexual things that are as far as a person can go without breaking the law" is the real you. Especially if you're here at this site. I hope you can find what you're looking for in yourself. There's a good man in there.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#39206 - 04/19/05 05:08 PM Re: struggling *TRIGGER*
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
you know that's the thing. i've worked very hard to like myself again. i'm not ashamed of what i have done. i am a good man. i've always been compassionate, and i've tried to always do the right things. to be honest, i'm not even ashamed of what i did sexually. its all kind of a grand adventure for me now.

the problem is when i look at the real me, what i really want out of a relationship and what i enjoy, sex is very important. sex has entwined itself into who i am to the point where i am not really complete unless i have and adventuresome, fulfilling sex life. the real me enjoys groups, threesomes, golden showers, being submissive, and i've gotten to where i am okay with that. no one gets hurt. i respect others, and with a willing partner, i would feel great.

the problem comes in because i am with a partner that sees this stuff as sin. she doesnt mean to, but when she labels it sin, she labels me evil and a sinner because i like this stuff. that hurts some. see i've made peace with it, and i feel like if i was single i would find a mate that enjoys the same things and we would live happily ever after. my wife isnt that person though, and that's where it gets hard.

thanks both of you, for you support and understanding. it means a lot as i try to find a new balance to my life.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#39207 - 04/21/05 03:17 PM Re: struggling *TRIGGER*
bkeithb Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
You are welcome, Phoster.

Hang in there! I'm pulling for you!

_________________________
bkeithb

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#39208 - 04/22/05 12:36 AM Re: struggling *TRIGGER*
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Phoster, two sites for you. ( URL's removed by Mod's. Site's are advocating multi partner relationships that might be triggering to many people here ) While I am married, and the wife would never approve of it, I have at times had fantasies of being in a stable threesome or group. Like in Heinlein's books "Friday" and "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress"

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#39209 - 04/22/05 12:50 PM Re: struggling *TRIGGER*
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
see that is partly my problem. i sometimes wonder if we're just not wrong together. with the right partner, someone open to groups and swinging, i could be myself. i think a lot of my struggle is trying to make myself fit into a relationship that is wrong for me. you know what i'm saying?

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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