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#392023 - 04/03/12 08:58 AM Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Had some personal family drama over the weekend. Couple that with the still-not-stable professional situation and I've been something of a mess over the past week or so.

It took me until yesterday before I could say "Yeah ... I feel worthless. That's how I feel." All of these different stressors make me feel worthless and a bit triggered as well.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and wanted to bounce it off of all of you - isn't our recovery the pursuit of feeling like we're worth something? Is that what CSA took from me?

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#392029 - 04/03/12 09:36 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3376
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i think that is certainly a big part of it - as well as accepting that we are not to blame, and reclaiming our own identities and definitions of who we are and are not, as well as others... may vary from person to person, but probly the sense of self-worth is interwoven through all of it. But - i think there is also good news in that - you dont have to recover the sense of worth in a vacuum or work on that exclusively. other areas of growth and progress help to build the sense of worth - sometimes as almost a side-effect.

Sorry the past few days/weeks have been rough for you. You are not worthless - regardless of how you feel. Emotions are real and important - but not always an accurate gauge of truth.

CSA takes lots of things from us. innocence, hope, self-confidence, sense of security, belief in self-determination, clarity of sexual roles, emotional health, sometimes physical wellness, etc.... and - yessirree-bob - sense of worth!

standing with you,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#392246 - 04/05/12 12:13 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: traveler]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
I appreciate the thoughts. I think to be more specific, had some interactions with my estranged Dad and brother via Facebook this last week that put me in a bad place.

We're estranged because he was abusive - they aren't ashamed of what they did so they see nothing wrong with being connected with mutual friends and daring me to deal with it. By 'it' I mean they get along fine, everyone has nice things to say about them, until nobody's watching and then the claws come out. Veiled digs at me and my sister, stupid things to remind us that they consider us trash that it'd take years to explain to anyone else. Then, when the fun is over, they move off to laugh with the other guy and go "Yeah, wasn't that funny?"

My brother's always been the worse kind of d-bag.

I only put up with it because I wanted to give them a chance ... see if there was something there to build on. It's been a few years since we've talked and you always wonder if there's something there. Probably not - I'm re-blocking them both on Facebook again.

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#392248 - 04/05/12 12:25 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3376
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i don't know if i'd give them another chance unless i first saw some evidence of change - and from the sound of it, that's pretty unlikely.

I jsut had to distance myself and not put myself in a position of vulnerability with my "parents" - not give them the opportunity to re-open old wounds. avoidance worked fine for me.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#392287 - 04/05/12 10:51 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: traveler
i think that is certainly a big part of it - as well as accepting that we are not to blame, and reclaiming our own identities and definitions of who we are and are not, as well as others... may vary from person to person, but probly the sense of self-worth is interwoven through all of it. But - i think there is also good news in that - you dont have to recover the sense of worth in a vacuum or work on that exclusively. other areas of growth and progress help to build the sense of worth - sometimes as almost a side-effect.

Sorry the past few days/weeks have been rough for you. You are not worthless - regardless of how you feel. Emotions are real and important - but not always an accurate gauge of truth.

CSA takes lots of things from us. innocence, hope, self-confidence, sense of security, belief in self-determination, clarity of sexual roles, emotional health, sometimes physical wellness, etc.... and - yessirree-bob - sense of worth!

standing with you,
Lee


Deep stuff, Lee, deep stuff and totally true.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#392292 - 04/05/12 12:01 PM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: phoenix321]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
I m struggling with the same issues right now. Self worth for me is an up and down thing. Instead of relying on my own sense, my self worth is still influenced from the outside. If things are good in my life I get confident and small obstacles dont affect me. If I perceive that things are not going well, then doubt settles in and my worth goes down the drain.
There is no logic to it, its an overwhelming sense of doom.
I was taking with a friend earlier about this very subject. How my brain is in transition since I began recovery. Im definetely on more solid ground today, but my way of seeing the world is still behind. I may not be a hustler anymore but i still think like one. That shift in thinking from survival mode to just living at peace with one self, will take time i guess.
So I ask myself often wether i like who i am, and honestly i dont yet. Its amazing how little we know ourselves. We spent a better part of our lives running and hiding , weve never really had a chance to grow spiritually at the same time as our bodies. So is it that we have no self worth or simply that we don't know who we are and what we want. I couldnt sleep the other night and started thinking about what i wanted out of life, which is funny cause im in my mid 40s married with two small kids. I had no answer, i don't know. I think that i am learning to be me, to know my needs, my limits, my values, and all that together is my self worth.
Anyways, cant express it any better right now. I hope it helps, or that you'll recognize something in there.
P.S. About you father and your brother. I think you took the high road in dealing with them. The problem is not on your end, its theirs. But you can sleep at night knowing you did right by them. Im not sure they can.
_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#392307 - 04/05/12 01:21 PM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Anthony39]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I have had this feeling alot. I pray thru it and my wife really helps with words of affirmation. I hope you get to feeling better and come to realize that you are worthy. You are just as worthy as anyone else. Because we all have failed and we all have slips and downfalls. We can and will overcome this. We are strong people just being survivors shows that
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#392411 - 04/06/12 12:49 AM * [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:07 PM)

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#392469 - 04/06/12 09:02 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
My brother and father were abusive, but not sexually, as far as I know. My problem is that whatever abuse happened to be happened when I was too young to remember. It could be anyone although my mom's side of the family had a bunch of pedophiles and sexual abusers so make of that what you will.

My brother and Dad have always made this cognitive dissonance part of the abuse. They can't see (or refuse to admit) your point of view. Their point of view is all that matters, they'll promote that P.o.V. to others and then its up to a bunch of neutral friends and family to hack their way through the narrative to get to the facts of the matter. Most people aren't geared to be that analytical so my father and brother get away with it.

When I've confronted them, it quickly turns into "I will tell you what I think and then I don't want to hear anything else." They're great debators, they can deflect anything. It never gets better, it never goes anywhere and all you get for your trouble is exhausted.

More than anything, I'd love to be able to speak to my brother and father and be able to have them be fair. They aren't the type to say "You're right" or "I'm sorry." They refuse to admit anything that hurts their viewpoint or position and, as dumb as it sounds, they'll hold onto this like wolverines. It's amazing they've survived this long, really.

I appreciate your responses on this topic - You've done more on a message board than my father has my entire life.

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#392474 - 04/06/12 10:20 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1628
I have heard those words over and over--""I just telling you this is....always knows everything. I have learned the power of words can be empowering or destructive. From different groups I have come to learn phrases like I am telling, I am telling you what you think, answering for others in the same room and so are used by people who need to control the conversation and other person--words can be mind games. These phrases are destructive because they are telling you they know everything (which in reality is the furthest from the truth--used to hide their inadequacies or issues)and you know nothing. Bow to the king or queen they are telling you the way it is and the only right answer. I to believe people like this will never say sorry or admit you are right.

Just don't allow them to control your emotions and pay little attention to their tirades--you have the power to rise above them. And by doing this it will show them you are strong and cannot be put down anymore.

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