Newest Members
Stormchaser, johnnyc717, bluebook, Roscoe, SJC
12314 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
iwishicared (41), Scott Oliver (53), TutDaVinci (32)
Who's Online
3 registered (motmcd, 2 invisible), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12314 Members
74 Forums
63368 Topics
443104 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#392023 - 04/03/12 08:58 AM Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Had some personal family drama over the weekend. Couple that with the still-not-stable professional situation and I've been something of a mess over the past week or so.

It took me until yesterday before I could say "Yeah ... I feel worthless. That's how I feel." All of these different stressors make me feel worthless and a bit triggered as well.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and wanted to bounce it off of all of you - isn't our recovery the pursuit of feeling like we're worth something? Is that what CSA took from me?

Top
#392029 - 04/03/12 09:36 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3361
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i think that is certainly a big part of it - as well as accepting that we are not to blame, and reclaiming our own identities and definitions of who we are and are not, as well as others... may vary from person to person, but probly the sense of self-worth is interwoven through all of it. But - i think there is also good news in that - you dont have to recover the sense of worth in a vacuum or work on that exclusively. other areas of growth and progress help to build the sense of worth - sometimes as almost a side-effect.

Sorry the past few days/weeks have been rough for you. You are not worthless - regardless of how you feel. Emotions are real and important - but not always an accurate gauge of truth.

CSA takes lots of things from us. innocence, hope, self-confidence, sense of security, belief in self-determination, clarity of sexual roles, emotional health, sometimes physical wellness, etc.... and - yessirree-bob - sense of worth!

standing with you,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#392246 - 04/05/12 12:13 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: traveler]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
I appreciate the thoughts. I think to be more specific, had some interactions with my estranged Dad and brother via Facebook this last week that put me in a bad place.

We're estranged because he was abusive - they aren't ashamed of what they did so they see nothing wrong with being connected with mutual friends and daring me to deal with it. By 'it' I mean they get along fine, everyone has nice things to say about them, until nobody's watching and then the claws come out. Veiled digs at me and my sister, stupid things to remind us that they consider us trash that it'd take years to explain to anyone else. Then, when the fun is over, they move off to laugh with the other guy and go "Yeah, wasn't that funny?"

My brother's always been the worse kind of d-bag.

I only put up with it because I wanted to give them a chance ... see if there was something there to build on. It's been a few years since we've talked and you always wonder if there's something there. Probably not - I'm re-blocking them both on Facebook again.

Top
#392248 - 04/05/12 12:25 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3361
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i don't know if i'd give them another chance unless i first saw some evidence of change - and from the sound of it, that's pretty unlikely.

I jsut had to distance myself and not put myself in a position of vulnerability with my "parents" - not give them the opportunity to re-open old wounds. avoidance worked fine for me.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#392287 - 04/05/12 10:51 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: traveler
i think that is certainly a big part of it - as well as accepting that we are not to blame, and reclaiming our own identities and definitions of who we are and are not, as well as others... may vary from person to person, but probly the sense of self-worth is interwoven through all of it. But - i think there is also good news in that - you dont have to recover the sense of worth in a vacuum or work on that exclusively. other areas of growth and progress help to build the sense of worth - sometimes as almost a side-effect.

Sorry the past few days/weeks have been rough for you. You are not worthless - regardless of how you feel. Emotions are real and important - but not always an accurate gauge of truth.

CSA takes lots of things from us. innocence, hope, self-confidence, sense of security, belief in self-determination, clarity of sexual roles, emotional health, sometimes physical wellness, etc.... and - yessirree-bob - sense of worth!

standing with you,
Lee


Deep stuff, Lee, deep stuff and totally true.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#392292 - 04/05/12 12:01 PM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: phoenix321]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
I m struggling with the same issues right now. Self worth for me is an up and down thing. Instead of relying on my own sense, my self worth is still influenced from the outside. If things are good in my life I get confident and small obstacles dont affect me. If I perceive that things are not going well, then doubt settles in and my worth goes down the drain.
There is no logic to it, its an overwhelming sense of doom.
I was taking with a friend earlier about this very subject. How my brain is in transition since I began recovery. Im definetely on more solid ground today, but my way of seeing the world is still behind. I may not be a hustler anymore but i still think like one. That shift in thinking from survival mode to just living at peace with one self, will take time i guess.
So I ask myself often wether i like who i am, and honestly i dont yet. Its amazing how little we know ourselves. We spent a better part of our lives running and hiding , weve never really had a chance to grow spiritually at the same time as our bodies. So is it that we have no self worth or simply that we don't know who we are and what we want. I couldnt sleep the other night and started thinking about what i wanted out of life, which is funny cause im in my mid 40s married with two small kids. I had no answer, i don't know. I think that i am learning to be me, to know my needs, my limits, my values, and all that together is my self worth.
Anyways, cant express it any better right now. I hope it helps, or that you'll recognize something in there.
P.S. About you father and your brother. I think you took the high road in dealing with them. The problem is not on your end, its theirs. But you can sleep at night knowing you did right by them. Im not sure they can.
_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

Top
#392307 - 04/05/12 01:21 PM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Anthony39]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I have had this feeling alot. I pray thru it and my wife really helps with words of affirmation. I hope you get to feeling better and come to realize that you are worthy. You are just as worthy as anyone else. Because we all have failed and we all have slips and downfalls. We can and will overcome this. We are strong people just being survivors shows that
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#392411 - 04/06/12 12:49 AM * [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:07 PM)

Top
#392469 - 04/06/12 09:02 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
My brother and father were abusive, but not sexually, as far as I know. My problem is that whatever abuse happened to be happened when I was too young to remember. It could be anyone although my mom's side of the family had a bunch of pedophiles and sexual abusers so make of that what you will.

My brother and Dad have always made this cognitive dissonance part of the abuse. They can't see (or refuse to admit) your point of view. Their point of view is all that matters, they'll promote that P.o.V. to others and then its up to a bunch of neutral friends and family to hack their way through the narrative to get to the facts of the matter. Most people aren't geared to be that analytical so my father and brother get away with it.

When I've confronted them, it quickly turns into "I will tell you what I think and then I don't want to hear anything else." They're great debators, they can deflect anything. It never gets better, it never goes anywhere and all you get for your trouble is exhausted.

More than anything, I'd love to be able to speak to my brother and father and be able to have them be fair. They aren't the type to say "You're right" or "I'm sorry." They refuse to admit anything that hurts their viewpoint or position and, as dumb as it sounds, they'll hold onto this like wolverines. It's amazing they've survived this long, really.

I appreciate your responses on this topic - You've done more on a message board than my father has my entire life.

Top
#392474 - 04/06/12 10:20 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1617
I have heard those words over and over--""I just telling you this is....always knows everything. I have learned the power of words can be empowering or destructive. From different groups I have come to learn phrases like I am telling, I am telling you what you think, answering for others in the same room and so are used by people who need to control the conversation and other person--words can be mind games. These phrases are destructive because they are telling you they know everything (which in reality is the furthest from the truth--used to hide their inadequacies or issues)and you know nothing. Bow to the king or queen they are telling you the way it is and the only right answer. I to believe people like this will never say sorry or admit you are right.

Just don't allow them to control your emotions and pay little attention to their tirades--you have the power to rise above them. And by doing this it will show them you are strong and cannot be put down anymore.

Top
#392477 - 04/06/12 10:46 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Anthony39]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3361
Loc: somewhere in Africa
[quote=Anthony39]Self worth for me is an up and down thing. Instead of relying on my own sense, my self worth is still influenced from the outside. If things are good in my life I get confident and small obstacles dont affect me. If I perceive that things are not going well, then doubt settles in and my worth goes down the drain.
There is no logic to it, its an overwhelming sense of doom....
...I think that i am learning to be me, to know my needs, my limits, my values, and all that together is my self worth.
quote]

So true - my sense of worth can fluctuate wildly within a single day - depending on external circumstances - how a group or individual project turned out, the results of a superior's or group's decision, disagreement in a discussion, something someone else says or does, even a facial expression. i can go from riding high and feeling pretty good about myself to floundering in a pit of self-condemnation & self-pity. that's one of the results of our conditioning or the perps' treatment or our own judgements of self-blame or whatever...

And - right - no logic to it. we would not apply the same warped value scale to someone else as we do to ourselves!

self-acceptance is part of the answer - and believing others who value us and their assessment of our worth. my wife is always affirming me but i seldom take her seriously. and then she gently berates me for havin a low self-esteem and not trusting her valuation and then i kick myself for being so lame, etc. ad infinitum...

another issue i've read about as a common factor is perfectionsim. that has certainly applied to me - and is self-defeating. gotta kick that habit too! must give ourselves permission to be human and to be OK with that.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#392491 - 04/06/12 12:43 PM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
Originally Posted By: Shaun The Sheep


I've been doing a lot of thinking and wanted to bounce it off of all of you - isn't our recovery the pursuit of feeling like we're worth something? Is that what CSA took from me?

Yes it is about finding our self worth and that can be hard when you have people still trying to keep you inin the place they are used to having you in and you are used to being in because of the abuse. Part of self worth is loving ourselves as a good and valuable person regardless of what others think or what happened.
_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

Top
#392496 - 04/06/12 01:20 PM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: traveler]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Quote:
Innocence, hope, self-confidence, sense of security, belief in self-determination, clarity of sexual roles, emotional health, sometimes physical wellness, etc.... and - yessirree-bob - sense of worth!


I'd add self-esteem and childhood (innocence). I will say child abuse can take those too. CSA may have taken my innocence and clarity of sexual roles but the long-term child abuse took everything else. So much so I hate humanity at times. Certainly hate we were made so weak. It was almost an invitation to destruction. I don't believe God (or Goddess) is involved in 99.9% of things so I can't blame him/her at all. Nor blame some dude/chick in a tux and pitchfork. Say I had the power to take a ship away from here and could chose whomever I wanted to go. I'd like to be noble and say I'd shove as many people in my ship as possible. It wouldn't happen. Oprah certainly wouldn't be on it. Hahahahaha!!! Kinda wonder who I would take. Wouldn't tell anyone. I'd probably take mostly the downtrodden I've met (those society scorns) and those different and give the finger to people I couldn't stand. Interesting question. Difficult question. Maybe I think there is too much evil and greed in the world. Or, just maybe I'm right about it.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#392566 - 04/06/12 10:39 PM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: phoenix321]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Shaun, the replies here more than cover the current issues you are facing in getting acknowledgement from your father and brother. It tears at us, feelings of unfairness, contention, resentment, rejection and destruction. When we try to approach those offenders, we get the sarcasm, the jibes, the aloof, cynical retort. They cannot understand, Shaun, and that is what we are fighting. They feel we are attacking their "hallowed" past, accusing them of wrongdoing, and we are. What they cannot understand is we are seeking connection with them, a truce, but they need to understand the harm they have done.

They will not Shaun. They will not acknowledge the wrongdoing, the effects nor what they see as something that has overcome you independent of what happened under their "tutelage". It is simply not their fault, as they see it. It is not their problem, and as they come close the matter, they defend themselves with all expenditure. They defend until they offend. It is a no win scenario. You are a highly sensitive person fighting with self righteous, arrogant narcissists.

As you have done, block them and "un-friend" them. It is of no value to keep trying to communicate your accusations to them, they will not listen. "Pearls before swine", "white washed graves", the dog that has returned to it's vomit". Of what possible value is it to accompany yourself with these "beasts"? You will only continue to be attacked, mauled and manipulated.

There are other options, new brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers waiting to embrace your enthusiasm, faith, hope, courage, fears, and love. While the physical connection to those who have hurt you can never be severed, the emotional connection can be "dialed down" until there is as much or as little interaction between you and them as you want. Find that balance, Shaun, and the world will warm, lighten and smile with you,

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#392585 - 04/07/12 12:50 AM Re: Feeling Worthless - The Pursuit of Worth [Re: SamV]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3361
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Good words, Sam!
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.