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#391802 - 04/01/12 07:36 PM *
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 04:59 PM)

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#391872 - 04/02/12 04:05 AM Re: Make Room For Daddy? TRIGGERS [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
peroperic2009 Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Gary,
I haven't such struggle with father like you do but I've been thinking what would I do if I were in your place...
Certainly I would decide to keep live connection to father, it is good to have family and it could be good for both of you. I wouldn't expect to open him eyes and make him become aware of his wrongdoings but I would certainly gave him instruction that not talk to me about things that bother me (like communication with mother and brother) and I've tried to make some rules for our relationship. I would set up some border there and in clear voice would tell him what is allowed to talk about in our mutual communication. I would tell him all that trough written letter for start (maybe I would ask him also to write me back in written his thoughts about all that).
It is usual good way of communication trough written letters when you have need to be very clear and sure that message hit the target -so because of that written letter. Also I've heard advices already for cases when parents mistreated children that good way expressing all problems to "bad" parents for child is trough letter to them.
So you should concentrate on finding what kind of relationship would you have with your dad and to forward all that to him. Would those be phone calls, personal meetings, how often, who can call who, what is allowed to talk about and what not, also forbid him to talk about all that with your mother if you have such need - write as many details as you can think and be clear that you would not tolerate disrespect any of those rules... That kind of guidance would do good to both of you and by doing so you could improve your mutual relationship. You both should concentrate just on good things that you could get from each other and put bad things beside...
Please take some time and think about all this and if this sounds good for you write that letter to your dad smile !
I hope this would be helpful to you!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#391991 - 04/03/12 12:49 AM * [Re: peroperic2009]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:02 PM)

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#391998 - 04/03/12 01:19 AM Re: Make Room For Daddy? TRIGGERS [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Human Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 61
Loc: private
Maybe transparency would work. If he brings the mother or brother up first, let him know you do not want him to and if it upsets you enough when he does so let him know you're mood will [fill in the blank] until he learns to STOP IT/CUT IT OUT or else phone call over, visit over, dinner together etc over and let him also know that eventually you'll drift apart.

That's probably passive agressive behaviour, I don't know. BUT, it could be seen as standing your ground on something VERY important to you (and sounds worthwhile to me). If he uses the term "hunky dory" use it back at him and ask how it feels?

I'm trying to say to you maybe it's time to teach the parent, in this case you're the teacher. I think if he does care he'll come around. Sounds like he will.

Good work! (I rarely say good luck, lol! I think luck is a lame four letter word).

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