this is going to be pretty negative and depressinga and self-pitying...
So if you don't want to go there - just STOP reading!
i used to be quite level most of the time - no great highs or lows emotionally - under control. before i started remembering - and even more - before i started revealing... i though that was good. now i know it was the flatness of repressed emotions and part of a long-lasting depression that i had not recognized. but i was comfortable with it. my wife was accustomed to it and knew how to related to the way i was. other people would comment about how nothing seemed to phase me and admired my cool unflappable steady demeanor.
sometimes i wish i could go back there because the turmoil and bad feelings are just sooo strong and ongoing. i am not sure that the so-called "improvement" is really that - and is worth the effort and the disruption to life and relationships and even being able to do my job competently...
i never really was an optimist - but never a pessimist either. i guess i'd have considered myself a realist - recognizing that there is likely to be both good and bad stuff happening - not surprised when it's bad, and pleased when it's good.
BUT NOW - it's like i can find the "flip side" to everything. even the most pleasant and beautiful things - something in my mind won't let me rest and enjoy it. i see an example of good parenting or romantic love or genuine friendship - or whatever - and my mind says - "but you never got that!" and so on... and it seems like EVERY-F-ING-THING is somehow related to MY HISTORY and MY ABUSE. it's like a pair of dark glasses that tint the whole world.
i try affirmations - and have a built-in-asterisk* (*except for ME!) so that i can't seem to believe them and feel like i'm mocking myself. i even started writing things in a notebook that i thought would be encouraging and a positive influence on my thoughts and emotions. but it's like every page has "NOT VALID" or "CANCELLED" stamped in red across it. even the complimentary things my wife and others say just roll off my back.
and to continue with the "record" analogy (remember those things - way before CDs?) my mind keeps racing like its set on 78 RPMs instead of the "normal" 33. i can't slow down and catch up to myself. driving me nuts...
i hate being so negative and mr. eeyore-ish!
i don't drink more than one glass of wine about 4 times a week - with dinner.
i don't do any kind of drugs (except for advil!)
my wife sees to it that we eat very healthy - low fats & sugar, little beef, lots of fresh produce.
i don't drive or operate heavy equipment.
i don't exercise - i know! - but that's another long and painful story!
i try to stay grounded in reality.
i'm starting to use slow and deep breathing methods.
i read a lot - and sometimes that helps and sometimes makes it worse -?
i write a lot and that seems to help - at least while i am immersed in it.
what else can i do?
if you've made it this far without puking, any suggestions?
A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense to not himself.
Or just as mad.
So there you are.
Stark raving sane.
- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead