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#391974 - 04/02/12 11:36 PM Suicide attempts: how young?
onlyakid Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1556
Loc: New Jersey
Maybe its just me trying to make the pieces fit but I'm told that I was taken to the hospital when I took my fathers blood pressure medication. I was young about 5-7 or so (dont know the exact timeline). My brother who is the executor of my fathers estate kept conviently forgetting to look into a tombstone for my fathers grave. I dropped it. Its been 9 years since he passed and he never got one. Could something have happened to me and I took the pills to commit sucide or at the very least a cry for help? Or am I reading too much into this and its just a kid thing taking them because they look like candy or something.

Do kids this young think of suicide?
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#391975 - 04/02/12 11:42 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
traveler Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3767
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i don't know how young is possible. i was about 12 - 7th grade - the 1st time i seriously considered it.

as for the father - let him be forgotten. the sooner the better! (but that's just me talking about the step-father i got saddled with.)

lee
_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"


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#391982 - 04/03/12 12:24 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: traveler]
pufferfish Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I think I was 4 years old. Unbelievable? Maybe! But that's how I remember it. The kiddie porn was ongoing. I was being used along with several slightly older boys. The older boys relieved their "shame" by bullying me. That's how I've come to see it. We lived on an island surrounded by white-sand beaches. I ventured out into the bay until the water got over my head. My mother was on the beach, absorbed in conversation with her friends. She must have seen my head go under water and rushed in to get me. Later she complained to me about how I had ruined her wrist watch.

Puffer

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#391983 - 04/03/12 12:26 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: pufferfish]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
13 here. Tried to OD on Tylenol. All that happened was I got sick.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391984 - 04/03/12 12:27 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: pufferfish]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
13 here. Tried to OD on Tylenol. All that happened was I got sick.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391988 - 04/03/12 12:40 AM * [Re: pufferfish]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:01 PM)

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#391989 - 04/03/12 12:41 AM * [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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Registered: 03/25/12
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:01 PM)

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#391995 - 04/03/12 01:05 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
16 was the first near attempt. I'm sorry about what happened to you but I don't see how it couldn't be possible to answer your question. Only you'll really ever know what was in your head though.


Edited by phoenix321 (04/03/12 01:06 AM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#391996 - 04/03/12 01:08 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: pufferfish]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Puffer, you're mom sounds like some of the shit my sperm donor pulled. No idea about your mum, but my "dad" is/was an asshole. Gee, people need a test before they become parents I swear to whomever is in-charge.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#392007 - 04/03/12 03:57 AM . [Re: phoenix321]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:12 PM)

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#392008 - 04/03/12 04:46 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1529
******* TRIGGER WARNING *******


Hi Guys,

I was 8 or 9 when I found out what it meant, and how I could do it.

The only problem was, I knew if I disemboweled myself and I was not dead by the time I hit the floor, I would get in trouble for making a mess.

So I started doing things like crossing the street without looking, hoping people would think it was an "accident."

When I was 17 I started doing things like mixing alcohol and prescription medication (valium) hoping it would put me in a coma.

A few years later I made an attempt I never should have survived.

There were other incidents before that, but too graphic to tell here.



Anomalous


Edited by Anomalous (04/03/12 05:13 AM)
Edit Reason: Trigger Warning
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#392015 - 04/03/12 07:03 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: Life's A Dream]
frozen Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 22
Loc: Europe


I was 8, when I started planning or fantasying killing myself. I had no courage. Later about 13 started starving myself, I became anorectic. My therapist says it is miracle to be alive. No one knows how many does it with abuse backround.

PJ

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#392018 - 04/03/12 07:42 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
ctznken Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 48
Loc: Ohio
I was about ten. Tried to hang myself from the swing set. I swung out and hung for a few seconds. when I really started to choke i was able to pull myself up. Just not ready I guess.

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#392022 - 04/03/12 08:57 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Asmodeus Offline


Registered: 10/25/05
Posts: 112
Loc: Vestavia, Alabama, USA
I was around 12 or 14 when I tried. I overdosed on some pills and just ended up getting put on stronger anti depressants.
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I may not be perfect, but at least I'm not fake.

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#392030 - 04/03/12 09:42 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: Asmodeus]
traveler Offline
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Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3767
Loc: somewhere in Africa
most "normal" people would find this thread incredible - literally - because they have no idea of what we know. Most very young children don't even understand the concept of death - much less how to achieve it - and even less - the desire for it. But then, most very young children do not know as much about sex and violence and deception and abuse and perversion and evil and secrets either...

lee
_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"


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#392049 - 04/03/12 11:51 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: traveler]
Anthony39 Offline
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Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
Can someone make a point about this thread?
It doesn't bother me personally but please tell me there is a point to this sadfest.
Yeah we know a lot of kids have killed themselves. But we are here, we live and breathe despite the odds. out of respect and in memory of those who didn't make it, let's embrace life .
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Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#392051 - 04/03/12 12:15 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: Anthony39]
pufferfish Offline
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Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Part of the point of this is to see the terrible cost of child sexual abuse. Early cases, like mine, cause tremendous problems all throughout life. I'm not trying to scare anyone but the public out there needs to know this. The legal and enforcement people need to know that there are prolonged effects and that their jobs can't be taken lightly. Kids aren't able to sustain sexual activity. Their minds and bodies not only don't thrive under these conditions, but they are likely to sustain injuries which take huge effort to unlock later. The "Humpty Dumpty" effect. It's as though abuse flips circuit breakers in our black box.

Allen

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#392053 - 04/03/12 12:24 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: Anthony39]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Anthony,

This is another of the ramnifications of CSA. It's like war stories from the trenches AND some of us beat it, maybe multiple times.


***triggers***
I thought about this more and near attempts were 16, 17, 25 (serious nervous breakdown), 26, 27, etc. I did go through anorexia nervosa and got to 174 lbs and was sickly. I was lucky it didn't take hold and I didn't start throwing up and stuff. My best weight is 200-220. Self-injuring started at 25 I think to 28/29. A serious consideration was when I joined MS last November through January. Believe it or not, being diagnosed with congestive heart failure knocked me out of it. New crap to worry about and I figured, society kicked me out, I'm sick, let's see how much chaos I can cause.

It's just depression with seemingly no way out. If you're reading this, you can beat it. Call and talk to a suicide hotline, call 911, they have to help. Go to an ER and tell them. It'll cost but you can always file bankruptcy and tell the system to go fuck themselves. Nobody listened to me at 16-17 and at 25/26. You are worth the help. It's only money. Society says too many people aren't worth the help. Use the resources. That's what they are there for. It'll probably just be 3 days in a psych ward. That's peace. Believe me.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#392061 - 04/03/12 12:57 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: phoenix321]
KMCINVA Offline
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Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 2239
I never thought of suicide but had many days and nights where I prayed to be taken from this earth in my sleep, for the pain to stop, the images to cease but I could not. I cried I even wrote a pray to die by and would recite it each night. I could not let the fears, distrust, hurt and feeling lost go. But in my teens as I had friends, went to parties, dated life seemed bearable--and when I look at that word I realize bearable is not living. I went through the motions. Like so many, death would have been the answer to end the pain. I have seen suicide, I saw a brother drink himself to death--he was lost and my perp said he would leave him alone if I kept quiet and did what I was told to do to him. I now think the perp lied like all abusers--I think he hurt my brother, and my brother never truly lived--he went through life's motions without a spirit--I now believe the perp destroyed him beyond repair. So I see my own wish to die, my brother's way to go was not straightforward suicide but a prolonged altered state from alcohol and drugs and then those who commit suicide. Yes, CSA and all abuse and bullying destroy and the ramifications and effects are far from what people think--get over I have heard, abused people do not act out, abused people lie and so on. It is a sick world--the perp controls and the ignorant further destroy.

It has to end, we cannot afford to loose another child to CSA.

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#392065 - 04/03/12 01:30 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: KMCINVA]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
KMCINVA,

Not to defend any pedos but I don't think they (99% maybe) know the extent of the damage they do. Pufferfish, Robbie (and others I'm sure) had young perps who may have thought that's what kids do to other kids because it happened to them and they won't know the ramnifications to themselves later in life either. Pufferfish I know made that analogy. For me personally, I may look on it differently if my perps was 12 years old than the mid-20s. It's a sick argument to make for sure and no excuse. More education is needed and maybe it would curb some of it. We have that for rape.

I had a lot of bullying too and some kids did it because it was taught and some kids did it because they liked to. Doesn't make it any easier.

I just hold some more responsible that others. Adult pedos I'd drop in prison for the rest of their lives because I don't believe in a cure (and haven't seen one either) and they should pay the piper. I also believe we should help those victims of all crime way more than we do.

You know when I was bullied I always thought the same thing--I'd rather be the bully to the bullies. I didn't bully but damn sure just didn't want to be picked on. If you're the bully, you don't get picked on. I did beat 2 bullies's asses though. Rather enjoyed getting in trouble over it. Why? Everyone knew. I thought it was great that fat kid in Australia picked up that skinny bully and threw him. Good for him.


Edited by phoenix321 (04/03/12 01:32 PM)
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#392097 - 04/03/12 09:57 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: phoenix321]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1556
Loc: New Jersey
I guess you guys are right, its possible but we'll never know until I regain (if I ever do) the memory of that event. Didnt mean for this to turn into a thread about all of your suicide attempts.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#392100 - 04/03/12 10:29 PM . [Re: onlyakid]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 11:12 PM)

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#392123 - 04/04/12 02:06 AM * [Re: Life's A Dream]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:03 PM)

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#392184 - 04/04/12 02:07 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5953
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
If we are defining the term "kids" as under 16, then, yeah, I have not only thought about it, but tried it. I was walking on a road in the country, and was tired of trying to make sense of my life. My parents had kicked me out, I had no car, no driver's license, no place to stay. I laid down in the lane of the road in the early morning, just around a blind corner and fell asleep. I remember thinking to myself, "I could get run over here", and it felt like a good thing. I was awakened by a car horn, and looked up to see a couple of guys standing half out of their car in the same lane I was in, looking really unsure of what was happening. I got up, thanked them and kept walking, they drove around me.

Thanks onlyakid, this is good to remember what I have survived,
Sam


Edited by sasuva (04/04/12 02:10 PM)
Edit Reason: more depth
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#392192 - 04/04/12 04:11 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: SamV]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1179
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Age 14. Ate a bottle of Valium and somehow woke up the next day.

Did lots of risky things after that (drugs, etc.) Fantasized about jumping off a very high bridge near our house (rail road tracks underneath).

Called a suicide prevention hotline when I was 18 and very depressed.

Still have thoughts occasionally, but would never do that to my wife and kids... But (alas) it is a comforting thought at times...

Jim
_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#397634 - 05/18/12 03:52 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 419
Loc: west coast
I am just reading this now late in the game, but i do understand both the empathy of the shared experience of attempting suicide at a young age.

At about 13 Took all my mothers antidepressants i could find. JUST CUX. then said " i felt like it"

Nothing ever came of it. So Knowing others went thru the same near death experience, that was never even acknowledge give great creedance to those feelings we were never good enough , we were never seen. Its powerful

BUT i totally understand what Anthony was frustrated about. THere is NO Place on here to talk about Possitive things

Those threads are dropped and forgotten like yesterdays bird shit.

MODERATORS>, GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES

MAKE SOME CHANGES OR YOU LOSE VOICES LIKE ANTHONY"S AND OTHERS

WTF

YOU PEOPLE ALLOW US NEWBIES TO WALLOW IN THE SHIT < THEN THERE IS ONLY A BRIEF RESPITE BEFORE THE ONSLOT

GET REAL

RECOVERY IS A PROCESS, NOT AN EVENT

HONESTLY, PULL YOUR HEADS OUT

Even at the WoR i attended, i asked a fellow what is your name on MS, he said, i was there but i had to pull away, its too much negativety without the BALANCE

Oi already

PEOPLE STUCK IN THE SAME BULLSHIT STINKY THINKING THAT MANY OF US HAVE SUFFERED.

IF SOMEONE ON HERE HAS INUMERABLE POSTS AND THE TONE HAS NOT CHANGED< DO NOT LISTEN . FIND A VOICE THAT SPEAKS TO YOU> EMPATHY IS GREAT ITS NOT GREAT ENOUGH

ok i can breath now

cheers and have a good nite, newcomers, IT GETS BETTER! But YOU have to make it better.


Edited by 1lifenow (05/18/12 03:58 AM)
Edit Reason: more venting
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#397675 - 05/18/12 06:35 PM * [Re: onlyakid]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:44 PM)

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#397699 - 05/18/12 08:31 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
Publius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 443
Loc: OH
I thought about it when I was in high school, college, and right after my first and only panic attack. I didn't really want to die but I didn't want to live with the pain of my reality. It was simply too much. When we look at something like suicide we have to pay heed to just how bad things have to get for a person to make them want to go against his/her most basic survival instinct. People wonder why so many CSA victims commit suicide, whether it be quickly or over a period of time, and here is my response:

The human spirit is like a great society and our mind the capitol. There are a number of evils we experience in life that act almost like bombing raids on the metropolis of our mind. However, the fires and destruction from a bombing raid can usually be remedied somewhat quickly by our capable selves. It is only after a long long long carpet bombing campaign that we as individuals even begin to buckle under the pressure (to give up entirely on life). Well, CSA IS AN ATOMIC BOMB. Tokyo and all the major cities of Japan were fire bombed into ruin by 1945 and still the resolve of the Japanese remained stood strong. Yet, after a couple atomic bombs on two non-essential military targets the Japanese to surrendered unconditionally.

I know I am kind of up my own ass with the analogy here but I use this to illustrate just how destructive CSA is for human beings.

So what about the positive? I admit I focus too much the negative. For one thing people generally take for granted the blessings that they already possess and give voice to that which they do not. That's just human nature but add to that the profound negative experience of CSA and I suppose I can be a bit jaded : P

BUT

The tide IS turning. For thousands of years children were a commodity to be used as seen fit by adults but those days are dwindling. 100 years ago we saw the birth of psychotherapy. Some 50 years ago women spoke out about their marginalization and their right to equality, which included not being abused as children. This helped pave the way for male survivors in the 80s and 90s to do just the same - to think in the 1950s they thought one in a million males were CSA victims! There are more organizations today fighting CSA than at any time in our history. Our survivor ancestors, so to speak, have made great leaps forward for all of us in a relatively short period of time. This is why I am optimistic. While retaining the integrity of their achievements we can attack CSA on new fronts, especially in the areas of child education and adult social services.

We owe it to ourselves, to our fellow survivors, and especially to those who have died fighting for our cause to stay the course. Every personal step forward is a battle won in the larger war against CSA (to borrow the ever more popular phrase). Our contribution need be nothing more than ourselves, our healing, and our happiness. It makes me smile writing this all down not because it sounds good to me on paper or makes sense to me intellectually but because it FEELS good to believe it is possible : ) Hopefully my faith will one day be vindicated!
_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#397706 - 05/18/12 10:35 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 893
Loc: Kc,Mo
I attempted suicide when i was 16 i took a brand new bottle of Tylenol extra strength. I grabbed them swallowed the whole thing, walked into the living room threw the bottle and said you will not have to worry about me any longer .

My aunt flipped out crying cause she new what i had done . i went to my room locked the door and laid on the bed and closed my eyes and my uncle kept trying to get in the room and after about 5 minutes kicked the door in and told me to come on lets go to the hospital i said i am not going and he kept trying to talk me out of it and realized i was serious .

He picked me up through me over his shoulder and walked out the door with me . I was starting to feel very weird and my vision became blurry , i started to feel really really weird and when i got to the hospital they shot me with something put a large tube down my throat and i saw the dissolved Tylenol come up in the tube there was a lot of it .Than they put charcoal in the tube and pumped it into my stomach I guess it absorbs any left overs .

I crapped black charcoal for a few days .

I also attempted suicide a couple of times from 18 to 21 by alcohol poisoning i drank so much one time the doctor told me there is no logical explanation why i was still alive . i should be dead he looked so puzzled and said any one that drinks that much alcohol should be dead . Than i remember him saying by some one must have plans for you and looked up toward heaven. Than he left the room .

I took pills and alcohol at the same times and drank enough to were i did not think i would wake up but i always did .

Man i am so glad i did not die , My wife my kids and the fact that i have my life back and i almost let this crap take me out .
_________________________
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#397741 - 05/19/12 02:17 AM * [Re: Publius]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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Registered: 03/25/12
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:44 PM)

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#397742 - 05/19/12 02:29 AM * [Re: nltsaved]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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Registered: 03/25/12
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:44 PM)

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#397838 - 05/20/12 11:35 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
joeyjeepguy Offline


Registered: 05/18/12
Posts: 2
Loc: new hampshire
i was 9 yo with a light cord in my dads bedroom ,,,,but the cord wouldnt hold my weight

just red neck burn

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#397842 - 05/20/12 12:10 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: joeyjeepguy]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: joeyjeepguy
i was 9 yo with a light cord in my dads bedroom ,,,,but the cord wouldnt hold my weight

just red neck burn


Good Lord! 9!

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#397844 - 05/20/12 12:23 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5953
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I have a nephew who was not much older than that and has been overwhelmed to that extent. His little life may have SA in it, but his parents scream at each other daily, in fact until their divorce, that his how the mother and father would talk, yell/screaming. His desire to leave that place did not make a dent in their perspective. He now is a cross county runner, the fastest that region has seen. He will have to face that event in his life, but right now, he is surviving. Joey, you survived, and now you want to face that which overwhelmed you. We are here, this is worthwhile what you are doing, we are here to support you every step of the way.

Sam

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#397874 - 05/20/12 11:13 PM * [Re: joeyjeepguy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
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Registered: 03/25/12
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:45 PM)

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#397917 - 05/21/12 03:31 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
bodyguard8367 Offline
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Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 05:40 PM)
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#397921 - 05/21/12 04:37 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
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#397922 - 05/21/12 04:43 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
MarkK Offline
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i signed a contract with my T just last week - basically me promising what things i will do before committing suicide. The methods keep running through my head ... fortunately i'm not "in the right mood" to end it.
but sometimes it is not easy.

i'm not sure what my T would have done if i hadn't agreed to the contract.

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#397933 - 05/21/12 06:40 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
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MarkK

You need to focus on what you need to heal. You are facing the past, we all know how painful it is, it pushes us to feeling new lows, but once we get the poison out and surround ourselves with caring and good people--we find we can have a life worth living. It takes work-use your support systems, MS, support groups, your T and people who stand by you. Steer clear of those who look to put you down--their goal is to hurt you and you don't need to be dealing with those type of people.

Please stay strong--we need you here!!!

Kevin

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#397986 - 05/21/12 11:14 PM * [Re: onlyakid]
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:45 PM)

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#397989 - 05/21/12 11:25 PM . [Re: nltsaved]
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Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 10:32 PM)

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#398064 - 05/22/12 12:30 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
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#398184 - 05/23/12 12:51 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: phoenix321]
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#398218 - 05/23/12 08:18 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
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Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 05:18 PM)
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#398248 - 05/24/12 01:12 AM * [Re: onlyakid]
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#398280 - 05/24/12 08:25 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
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Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 05:18 PM)
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#398663 - 05/29/12 06:05 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
ShortedDiode Offline


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I was 8 or 9 years old and I had two enrichment classes on Saturdays that were held at a high school which was located right by a long, tall bridge that spans a large valley. I was on my own because I took the subway to and from these classes by myself and quite often after class I'd walk out on the bridge trying to decide whether or not to pack it in and try to figure out where the best spot to jump off would be. The thought that a short climb on to the top of the railing and a jump would end all the problems was tempting but I was afraid I might be shortchanging myself if things were to get better in the future, so I always ended up wandering back to the subway station and heading home.
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#398666 - 05/29/12 07:01 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
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Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 05:18 PM)
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#398686 - 05/29/12 12:26 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
alex05 Offline


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I was 14 when I mixed some painkillers and vodka well obviously not enough... but I remember I was about 9 maybe 10 when I tried to provoke my father to kill me, did that several times, don´t know if that counts though... I remember fantasizing about dying but you know as a kid you don´t really get what death is about. My mum died when I was 2 and everybody kept saying she was in heaven and heaven was a good place to be in so I wanted to be there with her. The problem was I didn´t know how to get there.
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#398709 - 05/29/12 04:25 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
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Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 05:19 PM)
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#398764 - 05/30/12 03:30 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
alex05 Offline


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Wow Jeff, your suicidal plans are definitely the most sophisticated I ever heard of. I don´t agree it´s a shame we tried. It´s a shame we were put into position we would even think about suicide at that age. I´d probably try again if I don´t have some people in this world that would get hurt by my actions.
_________________________
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#398771 - 05/30/12 04:05 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
traveler Offline
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Alex - yeh, i had a dad in heaven that i wished i was with - and a step-dad on earth that i wished was in the other place. I was pretty mixed up between "Our Father who art in heaven" and my father who was in heaven - both of em far out of reach... trouble was i was afraid if i tried to get to heaven by my own effort, i'd wind up in the other place - and home was already enough like that so that i didn't want any more of it...

lee
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#398782 - 05/30/12 05:59 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
ShortedDiode Offline


Registered: 11/26/11
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Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
I forgot to mention that I also tried to suffocate myself with a plastics bag from the grocery store a couple of times before the thinking about using that bridge. So much air was still able to get into those grocery store bags that they was totally useless as suicide attempts so I never really thought of them as such afterward.

About the same time I was thinking about packing it in on that bridge (probably contributing to thinking about ending it all back then), there was a school field trip and the whole class had to travel on the subway between school and the trip destination and a bunch of the bullies tried to push me off the platform in front of the train when it arrived. I dug my heels into the platform and pushed back as hard as I could while thoughts flashed through my mind and for a split second I thought if I couldn't stop them from pushing me in front of a subway train that I could stop pushing back and jump forward to get it over with as painlessly as possible if it was going to happen anyways but one of the teachers supervising the trip grabbed my shirt and pulled me back and the next thing I remember was the train going by and it was over before I knew it.

I don't know if that'd count as a suicide attempt because I did everything I could to stop from being pushed into that train but I clearly remember thinking that I was going to jump for it I began to fall off the edge of the platform to make it as painless as possible. I guess that was more like a value calculation on dieing as painlessly as possible in a situation where it looked like death was going to be a certainty that couldn't be avoided rather than a suicide attempt. I still really don't know what to make of it.
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#398923 - 05/30/12 11:22 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
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Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 05:19 PM)
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#399010 - 05/31/12 01:58 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
alex05 Offline


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Lee - you can´t imagine how much I can relate to that. He always said that mum can see everything bad I´ve done and she never let me be with her. Not that he knew I´ve tried to find out how to get there, he only wanted to hurt me but I believed in what he said so I gave up on that. Funny how few words mess up this little head.

Alex
_________________________
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end. I hate what I´ve become, the nightmare´s just begun...-Skillet-

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#399014 - 05/31/12 02:22 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
MarkK Offline
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my contract with my T expires today .... I don't see him again until the 12th so I made an oral agreement to just keep the contract in place. I find it hard to believe sometimes that at 57 I still consider "quitting".
sheesh

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#399057 - 05/31/12 10:46 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
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Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 05:19 PM)
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#399081 - 06/01/12 02:17 AM * [Re: MarkK]
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Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:46 PM)

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#399085 - 06/01/12 02:48 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
i canpt believe this hasn't been banned and i'm glad.
attempts is something most of us are afraid of talking about but there are some reflexions about it that i believe are important.

I don't know about you guys, but i felt a weird "state of peace" like i never felt before after a couple of times I tried to do it. Like everything was ok and like all my parts (I dissociate) were working as a team at least that night. It was like the calm that comes after the shock. Has anyone else felt like this?

I know my first try was at 10, but I can't remember any details, only that my dad (who was also one of the perps) prevented it (because despite everything, i think he loves me) and i spent some time at hospital (where doctors knew about me and him, but didn't tell).

I tried twice as a teenager just because I couldn't stand my situation in foster homes and the double life I was leading when they went to bed... and I missed my crazy sick home.

2009 was a bad year. I tried 3 times i think. I dont know.. I was trying to die all the time actually... put myself in a lot of risky situations. The time I almost did it I found my parts working together and conforting each other after we got out of hospital. We (I) started my diary then.

I would like to know how you feel about s.... for me, it's like the norm more than being in shock.. I am relieved now that I promised myself I don't have to *force* myself to be alive... if , at some point, I decide it's too bad for me, I could just.. well you know. Not sure I can say more in these boards.

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#399140 - 06/01/12 02:55 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
alex05 Offline


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Daniel - yeh,it felt good, though I think in my case it felt good because I was drunk and probably drugged from the painkillers. About the risky situations I´ve tried that too, wanted to make my father kill me but he would lost money if he killed me so here I am still alive and I´m glad you didn´t succeed in your plans too. Not sure if I would do that now. I´m thinking about it sometimes but that´s all I guess. Life sucks I know...As to the docs I have kinda similar experience with cops, I mean shouldn´t they be those who help and protect?! The world is a crazy place...

Hang on there
Alex
_________________________
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end. I hate what I´ve become, the nightmare´s just begun...-Skillet-

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#399202 - 06/02/12 12:34 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
pufferfish Offline
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Originally Posted By: Daniel_forgotten
i canpt believe this hasn't been banned and i'm glad.
attempts is something most of us are afraid of talking about but there are some reflexions about it that i believe are important.

I don't know about you guys, but i felt a weird "state of peace" like i never felt before after a couple of times I tried to do it. Like everything was ok and like all my parts (I dissociate) were working as a team at least that night. It was like the calm that comes after the shock. Has anyone else felt like this?

I know my first try was at 10, but I can't remember any details, only that my dad (who was also one of the perps) prevented it (because despite everything, i think he loves me) and i spent some time at hospital (where doctors knew about me and him, but didn't tell).

I tried twice as a teenager just because I couldn't stand my situation in foster homes and the double life I was leading when they went to bed... and I missed my crazy sick home.

2009 was a bad year. I tried 3 times i think. I dont know.. I was trying to die all the time actually... put myself in a lot of risky situations. The time I almost did it I found my parts working together and conforting each other after we got out of hospital. We (I) started my diary then.

I would like to know how you feel about s.... for me, it's like the norm more than being in shock.. I am relieved now that I promised myself I don't have to *force* myself to be alive... if , at some point, I decide it's too bad for me, I could just.. well you know. Not sure I can say more in these boards.


In my reply following, I'm not talking about the s... stuff. I'm talking about the fact that you all worked together and that you remember it now in a time sequence.

This is tremendous!! I didn't realize it when I first read it, but your reply to this thread shows more than anything else I've heard you say that you are getting over "it". This statement shows tremendous self insight as to what's going on inside of you. It means that you are much closer to healing than I had before realized.

Quote:

I found my parts working together and conforting each other after we got out of hospital. We (I) started my diary then.


At some level you see the WHOLE PLAN of yourself. You know what they dynamics are. At some level you have GOT IT.

WOW! Thank you.

Allen




Edited by pufferfish (06/02/12 11:39 PM)

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#399225 - 06/02/12 10:33 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
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Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 05:19 PM)
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#463148 - 03/25/14 02:51 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
jas4159 Offline


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Posts: 302
oh yea it is possible. been there, tried to hang myself when i was 12 - the rope broke and i never told anyone. later in my thirties twice i accidentally overdosed on prescriptions drugs.
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#463877 - 04/08/14 09:38 PM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
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I was 9 the first time I tried to kill myself. I jumped off a train bridge. Result I broke my ankle when I hit the water, If I stayed on the bridge another 2 minutes I would have been hit by an ore train.

At 11 I free climbed the face of lovers leap at Starved Rock State Park. I had climbed out under a ledge so that I would miss the trees. I was just about to let go, to fall the several hundred feet into the Rock River, when hands came over the side of the ledge and grabbed me. For the record, I was not visible under that ledge, and I was not calling for help. To this day I do not know how they knew I was there.

At 16 I rode my bike down a trail with the intent of hitting the rocks at the bottom of the cliff, instead I clipped a log on the trail and wiped out. All I got was a concussion, and short term memory loss.

Was I really trying, I think so. Still, Both my mother's family and even my ball busting step-monster were catholic. I didn't want my family stained by a suicide. But an accident that would be tragically acceptable. After each of the three attempts I had the same emotional result feelings of; shame, guilt, and abject failure. Oh, and my family dismissed me as a clutz.

I have to look back at my young adult years, I was a HUGE adrenaline junky / risk taker. Was I suicidal or just proving I was still alive, I do not know.


I am so grateful I survived. I have had too much in my life taken from me, without adding to the balance sheet.
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#463911 - 04/09/14 07:22 PM Re: . [Re: onlyakid]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 302
i was thirteen when i seriously contemplated it. Accidentally overdosed in my
forties.

I played Russian roulette in my teens.
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rich

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#464636 - 04/27/14 08:20 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
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Originally Posted By: Daniel_forgotten

I don't know about you guys, but i felt a weird "state of peace" like i never felt before after a couple of times I tried to do it. Like everything was ok and like all my parts (I dissociate) were working as a team at least that night. It was like the calm that comes after the shock. Has anyone else felt like this?


Daniel,
Yes, I have. When I was hanging off the cliff face I was overcome with such a sense of "peace." I have felt that sensation on a few occasions in my life (my wedding day being one of them). At the time I remember thinking God had given me a pass.
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#464647 - 04/27/14 01:33 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
learning2luvme Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 49
I was about 12 years of age. My abuse had started at age 8. Growing up in a Mormon household as boys we got an annual interview with the Bishop for worthiness. Every year they grill you on masturbation and if you do it or not and how you would go to hell if you did. So not only was I abused by multiple perps I was also abused by a religion who's views and practices only made me hate myself even more because I wasn't clean.

Shortly after my 12 year priesthood interview and agonized over my impurity and agony from years of abuse, I spent the night at my friends house and tried to hang myself in his closet as I didn't want my parents to find me dead in our home. Fortunately the closet rod fell off the wall and my plan was thwarted. Unfortunately my friend got in trouble for ripping the closet rod off the wall. I always felt bad.

Next attempt almost 30 years later. Not again. Today I fight.

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#464649 - 04/27/14 02:14 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
Frustrated Offline


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Posts: 195
Both times I felt exactly what you describe. My best dream is me sinking in black water and as I sink I feel myself surrender and the feeling of nirvana overcomes me no stress guilt shame fear anxiety just a Peace and relief that it was over

James
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#464718 - 04/28/14 05:22 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
newground Offline
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hey group
I cannot imagine any survivor of abuse who has not contemplated this subject. I pray that I am wrong about that. it is the most lonely and isolated place the very farthest extension of what we tend to do as survivors.
I think there is a very great risk we run in looking back and remembering the "peace" or whatever word we use to describe that Place because in the end it is defeat. the murder is complete.
It seems that this thread is coming close to glorifying the final act of violation by our perps. I realize that is not the intent but in the end I think it is the reality.
perhaps it is time that we begin to speak about what is helpful to avoid those places, what keeps that bitterness away or what made the difference.
In contemplating this question I came to a realization. that is " If I loose the perp wins.... fuck that." that is the message we need to share guys what helps? what is good about life? lets share those things too
Jeff
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Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
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#464719 - 04/28/14 05:42 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
I Want 2 Thrive Offline
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Valid point Newground.

I look back and I am grateful I failed. The bastards took way too much from me already. My life is MINE, and HIGHLY prized.


Originally Posted By: newground
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

P.S. That is my favorite line from Moby Dick... ...and Wrath of Kahn.


Edited by I Want 2 Thrive (04/28/14 08:23 PM)
Edit Reason: Signature comment
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Izzy

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind" C.S. Lewis

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#473356 - 12/10/14 07:45 AM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
lostc Offline


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#473407 - 12/11/14 03:40 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
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At age eight I was praying for death. At age 14 I had the knife ready but my father took it away from me. At age 44 I had the plan in place -- carbon monoxide poisoning from my car -- but got help instead. While I still get those feelings occasionally, I have decided that I will fight for my right to exist and live. Life is already too short. Why end it early?
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#483293 - 06/03/15 05:53 AM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
sorryson Offline


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Posts: 302
This thread makes me sad that the pervasion of someone could drive a child to prefer death over life. I had dark moments bt something kept me alive. I had pain, I hurt. I did learn my Dad who was a survivor also suffered terribly. Long story we basically disowned him all for the wrong reasons, there was no right reason. We tortured and abused him and we learned later Dad had suicidal thoughts from what we did to him. I am sick to think I could have pushed someone to take their lives. It helps me to understand all abuse sucks and destroys lives. I am sorry that those here had to live with such terrible thoughts, thinking death was the only way out. I now know at times my Dad thought this, to be away from us.

I am glad you are all here today. You deserve to live.

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#483358 - 06/04/15 09:17 AM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
600Rider Offline


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I was 13 when I first considered it and planned it. Thought for certain I was a crazy person and would never be regular.
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#483404 - 06/05/15 12:41 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
genedebs Offline
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I attempted suicide the first time when I was 7. The black Buick stopped. I tried again at 11, but the bus stopped. At 42, I came out of a drinking black out and figured out an 18 wheeler going north on an interstate would not be able to stop. I went back into therapy and got sober.

When I was 4 I asked my mother for a good humor bar. This ended with my father punching my mother and knocking her off the porch. I felt that I was a greedy boy who made my father beat up my mother since I wanted ice cream. At age 60 or so I was finally able to buy ice cream for myself without having to buy it to share with someone else.

I thought that if I did not want to actively participate in my suicide, I was not suicidal. I have learned that if I don't want to wake in the morning I am still suicidal. The good news at 66 is I have not been suicidal in in four years.

Sorry for your pain. But yes, many of us who have been physically and sexually abused have thought about or tried suicide as young children.

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#483407 - 06/05/15 02:36 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
KMCINVA Offline
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I never thought of suicide but I thought of dying. I think there is a difference. As genedebs said he did not actively participate so he was not suicidal. I would pray as a child to take me in my sleep so I would not have to wake another day. When the memories came back and I had syncope I found myself thinking how peaceful it would not to wake, but for much of the time I was alone with the children and did not want them to find me. When everyone returned the home was not harmonious, at least for me. I would day dream, dream about how peaceful it would be to be in eternal sleep. But then I would think, what if the eternal sleep was full of the memories of the abuser, I had no assurance he would not dominate my sleep. However, the thoughts of not waking were more pervasive and frequent. It did not happen. I remember waking some mornings say crap I am still here. I have been told the syncope and dissociation were results of how I thought of the abuse and myself, an escape. In syncope it was short term relief, in dissociation the time periods varied but grew in time and duration. As a child and young adult I had blank periods and thought it was everyone's way of life but now know it was an escape. In recent years the escape was the child within way to find some sense of love.

When in the heat of flashbacks and nightmares I found in a childhood missle the prayer I wrote as a child A Prayer to Die By. I read it, I could feel that childhood pain. No one knew, no one was ever to know about this feeling or the abuse. But it is now all out in the open.

I think the thought of death occurs to many who have been sexually abused. Is the thought of suicide any different than the thoughts of dying? The difference is how the end is achieved, an active or passive partner in dying. Thoughts and praying generally do not lead to death but it is a living death we live, never fully alive, never feeling fully engaged in life.

I am sorry for your pain and remember it was not your fault. You are a good person who got dealt a terrible hand. You must take in back, shuffle up the deck and put the abuser in their place in your mind. You deserve to live and have a good life. Please seek help and share here whenever you need an ear to listen to you.


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#483410 - 06/05/15 04:35 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
I was 37 when I attempted. My life had fallen apart and I thought my wife was going to tell my family. I had just told her and she was the first person I confided in. She had left me after I committed adultery and I told her because I felt like she deserved to know. That was approx 3 years and 3 months ago.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#483417 - 06/05/15 08:31 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1388
Loc: New York

At 14-1/2 I tried pills and just got me really sick. At 14-3/4 I tried sleeping with a knife and just made a bloody mess of my bed. 3 years ago after a T session I waited between 2 cars for a bus to come along, it never came

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#483420 - 06/05/15 09:07 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1562
Loc: California
I've had periods of suicidal ideation and being outright suicidal for most of my life. Right now included.

I've never understood the mentality of "if I succumb, my abuser wins, and I lose". I never saw it that way. My abuser was my completely dysfunctional family, severely neglectful mother, and my cousin 4 years my senior who introduced me to "love" via sex. I don't think any of them had any malicious intent to "destroy" me. They simply didn't give a fuck about what the consequences of their actions would be. They're all significantly fucked up too.

So I don't buy the argument "if you give up, your perp WINS!". it's never computed.

I don't want to live anymore. I have no desire for this hellish experience anymore. Life has completely taken the tattered and frayed piece of my self confidence, and completely erased it. I don't have any self confidence left.

I wish I could do better. But apparently, I can't.

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#483422 - 06/05/15 10:09 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 271
Loc: Virginia
I spent a good part of third, fourth and fifth grade wanting it desperately. We walked down a certain street to get to school, and my dearest wish was always that a car would come along fast enough. None ever did.

At that point, the molestations, the bullying from inside and outside the family, the codependence, the betrayals, the problems at school, my inability to relate to others for various reasons, and my outright hatred of myself and distrust of everyone else made me want to escape it all. Somehow I dragged myself through that period without doing it. There was another time later in life as well, but that situation has long been resolved.

Thank God, things are far better now and, despite a maddeningly slow pace of healing, things are looking up. My heart goes out to everyone (especially you, Magellan!) who doesn't see another way to resolve the things that are hurting so badly. Take care, guys.
_________________________
If you have to rebuild yourself from the ground up, you get to do it the right way this time. And YOU'RE the builder.

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#483452 - 06/06/15 04:12 PM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1388
Loc: New York
Hey Magellan

I also never thought anything about the scenario if I kill myself then my abusers win. I find it interesting the way you say it that it doesn't compute. I don't think that I wish not to live anymore but rather that I don't care at this point if I did. But my living has to be on my terms - basically nobody knowing what I did and what I was as a kid.

The only person I would feel bad for is only my wife but not my kids or grandkids since it's normal that the previous generation to go away. Kids don't have the same connection to parents as parents do for kids.

Before I started with my T and the healing process in January 2011I had hidden my life before I came out of the USAF in it's entirety, absolutely nobody knew of my life before 24. I always thought that if anyone would find out my past I would kill myself. But if my mother found out that I killed myself she would trash me to save face in her social life. So I was never good or smart and that kind of behavior didn't come from her side of the family. Sweet mad. So now I can't even die in peace, she would have the last laugh.

But I don't fear dying, 99% of the people here on MS don't know me and those that do it wouldn't take too long until I become someone in the past tense and then forgotten. Other than that I have only one real friend here where I live and we only speak every couple of weeks. So all in all there isn't anyone around that would miss me that couldn't get over it in a couple of weeks. I sometimes wonder why I'm still in therapy.

I'm in a vegetative state at the moment. No family that I know of because my parents never took me to see them and their kids. And all I do outside my dungeon is go to work and come home.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#483463 - 06/07/15 01:33 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 5512
Loc: O Kanada
“Death avoids a man who desires it,
to snatch at him whose heart holds fast to life.”

~ Mika Waltari


i still think about dying a lot.
several times a day.
i contemplate it constantly, but cannot comprehend it.
when i consider my own mortality, it makes me want to live.

sometimes i feel so much agony, anxiety and angst inside of me, i become paralyzed and panic from the pain. often, during those seemingly endless moments, i wish i could just spontaneously and instantaneously disappear, vanish, perish, cease to exist, die, etc. but those intense irrational ideas come and go in a flash.
as soon as they are articulated, they become dissipated.

over three decades, i have learned to ignore, accept or overcome those negative intrusive thoughts as mere expressions of desperation and despair. they are no longer connected to actions. they are words without weight, empty threats. plus, i have come to realize, after a few near death experiments, that it is only the experience of emotional pain that i want to end, not my life.

when i was little, i had many death fantasies. i tried really hard to imagine what it would be like to be dead, in the darkness, in my bed. what does 'nothing' feel like? can i die from thinking i am dead? once i realized that my days were numbered and i was doomed, i became obsessed with preparation and acceptance, while simultaneously extracting maximum intensity and extreme awareness from every single second. TIME: taste it! don't waste it! i made this discovery/commitment at a very young age. these are some of my earliest memories.

the only time i recall any real attempt to kill myself was when i took an overdose of aspirin while i was still a preteen. don't know what exactly caused that scene, but it was a total fail. i was under the impression that i would fall asleep and never wake up, so it seemed like the perfect painless peaceful solution. plus there was the chance that my mother would find me and save me. instead, i got really sick and puked. no one noticed the missing pills, and there was no ambulance or drama. the next day, i was too embarrassed to tell anyone. even then, i don't think i really wanted to die. i now believe i was trying to send a message. i was in a lot of pain and this was a distorted distress signal. i thought if someone noticed, they might rescue me. my effort to communicate was vain, futile, immature, incompetent and ultimately overlooked and ignored.

i started staging fake suicides by hanging, in the back yard, while i was still about 7 years old. i did it several times. i rigged up various rope tricks and had it looped around my neck to look like i was hanging by the neck. the idea was for my mother to look out the window and see me hanging from the tree and for her to rush out to save me, only to find out that it was a practical joke with special effects. i wanted to see if she would actually cry or even care. i wanted her to suffer just a little. i never was able to properly figure out a method that worked, but i do know several that don't. once, i actually succeeded in accidentally getting a bad rope burn on my neck during a near fatal mistake. when i felt the rope tighten around my neck, i freaked out, and i was barely able to get my feet back on top the 5 gallon paint pail i was using to stand on. i can still remember trying to grab the rope above my head while attempting to swing and get my weight off my throat and back on my feet, using only the tips of my toes. in my frantic frenzy, i almost kicked the bucket over and that would have been game over. i never did that again.

i have actually played russian roullette with a loaded gun, once, just to see what it felt like and to say that i did it. i did it on a dare, and the other guy chickened out. i foolishly counted that as a victory. i was about 12 years old, and pulling that trigger was one of the most difficult and idiotic things i have ever done.
i never did that again.

i also jumped off the roof of a two storey house with an umbrella because i thought it would parachute my fall like batman's penguin, or mary poppins, but that was not suicidal, just stupid. lucky for me, only the umbrella broke. i was about eight when that happened.

i think i started cutting before i was ten, and carried that on until my mid twenties. i don't know if i was truly suicidal ever, or just hooked on chaos, craving attention, addicted to adrenaline and attracted to danger. it was some strange mixture of all of the above. i spent my childhood running to and from serious situations, only to escape and seek them out again.

i did not want to die, specifically, but i did not want to live without that taste, the "all or nothing". i was always willing to go that extra step, to dangle over the edge of the abyss, just to demonstrate, to myself and others, that i was a berserker.

i discovered the only way to beat my fears, was to will myself to disobey the freeze or flee commands, and focus on "FUCK YOU, GOD! I DARE YOU TO KILL ME!" i was afraid of death, but the concept of being a bland boring robot zombie civilian coward was much more frightening to me. in my mangled mind, 'predictability' equaled 'vulnerability' equaled 'victim'. 'normal' meant 'cattle' meant 'stupid' meant 'slaughter'. i was fully immersed in the "come and get me" "blaze of glory" theory.

every time i didn't die, it was a glimpse of immortality, an immaculate high. i spit in death's eye!
not exactly healthy, but i enjoyed it until it became obviously ridiculous. i was extremely lucky to survive my own ignorance.




“Of all living creatures it is yourself that is most difficult to kill.”
~ Arthur Koestler
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#483473 - 06/07/15 05:45 AM Re: Suicide attempts: how young? [Re: onlyakid]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2145
Loc: durham, north england
The odd thing is my first thoughts about death were probably relatively healthy ones.After my religious experience when I was 7 and had lost my sight, I felt fairly convinced I knew what being dead was like, sinse a component of that experience had been a timeless quality. Sinse my parents at that point were still nominally christian, I felt I knew what heaven must be like, not white clouds and hailos and harps, just existing in an eternal second at one with the universe, drifting in the black light, (I actively disbelieved in the existance of hell and was very much against the idea of eternal damnation, indeed I was a follower of Origen when I was nine).

I was quite calm about death at that stage, had little to no fear and was content I'd die when I died.
When I went to the boarding school where intensive emotional abuse happened, that was when I started to just want things to stop, I even once tried to knock myself out by slamming my head on a wooden locker, though of course this just resulted in a bruise.

When the abuse at secondary school really started to get extreme when I was 13-15, I had lost all sense of time, I existed pretty much in an endless present, so I started to coldly, rationally and in all complete seriousness wish to die just to make everything stop, as I had no other choice. I considered various methods from cutting my wrists to hanging to poison, but I was also quite cold about my actual ability to carry out any of these efficiently and the last thing I wanted was to be intensively hurt by slashing the wrong part of my wrists or attempting a hanging which failed.

I nearly threw myself off a 70 foot cliff at one stage but didn't sinse I was not certain the gradient of the cliff or the falling room would insure my death quite satisfyingly enough, had I had access to firearms or any morphien based drugs I quite likely would not be hear now.

I can't say this was despairing or sad or anything else, heck I didn't think of my earlier ideas of heaven it was just a very cold realization that I couldn't go on with things as they were and things had to stop, even though I assumed it was me who was at fault and all this was perfectly normal.

I have not been in quite that literal state of coldly and completely wanting to simply end sinse then, but I have found myself thinking a more conventional (and possibly worse), thing. That I am so sick of the collective continually riding over me, ignoring me, treating me like shit I want to do something big and violent and shocking just to say "hay! I exist, you! can't ignore me"

I've had fantasies of going into a crowded shopping center and shooting into the crowd (then shooting myself), or of strapping on a bomb and walking into a building, or of setting a building on fire and then committing suicide, indeed I think I now know why suicide bombers behave as they do. After all if hay it is just fate that I'm ignored by most of the world and I have no power over anything and had all the shit I had to deal with, what would be so wrong with me giving some of this back? Hell doesn't the Bible say to do unto others as you would have them do unto you?

My empathy is the only thing that stands between me and doing any of this, that I simply am not wired on an individual level to actively desire to hurt another person, although I do sometimes feel glad I don't live in a country like America where guns are readily available, (sinse hay it's easy to be all moral when I actually don't have the choice).

I also still have the desire that I want the hole human race to stop, to simply give up everything, all the bigotry and the disconnection and the uggliness and the egotism and the ignorance. Maybe two people can reach a meaningful connection, for a minute, for an hour, for a few years, but the collective still rolls on and we still obey it just because it is! the collective that we don't question.

Btw, by "Collective" here i mean what you could call the collective unconscious, or the collective assumptions that everyone makes, that it's quite okay for fat coorporations to treat people like nothing for prophet, that it's quite okay for most of the human race to pretend disabled people and anyone else they don't want to see doesn't exist, that a system of so called democracy voting for one of a number of game teams where each person just becomes a number on a statistics sheet and even those who rule can go on playing their little games and traditions irrispective gives anyone any choice or power at all, that all men or women must be the same irrispective of their chromosomes and while it's quite okay to challenge assumptions about women it's not about men because all men are sexual predators and aggressors, that everyone should be equal but we can ignore and dismiss anyone who isn't.
That all art must exist just to fill the pockets of the coorporations and individual merrit or creative freedom mean nothing next to the almighty prophet, that any coorporation can reduce freedom and alternatives just because they say so, that any system of rules for protection such as the law just exists more often for those who have power or want power to force everyone else in line in the name of equality.
That even art and philosophy that pretend to question these assumptions are just games played by one team trying to one up another, and of course anyone who does! question the collective must simply be a misanthrope out for themselves and must be wrong.

I call this "The collective" as though it is a singular thing, or some shadowy group ruling humanity but really it isn't, it is just all the things we assume must be as they are simply because "that's how the world works" or because we don't question them at all.

It's due to the collective that I actually don't feel any hope for our shitty species or see much good at all, sinse whatever good is achieved on an individual level, it's nothing compared to the evils that are done collectively, often not even out of malice or spite just because "well that is the way things are"

I am still not sure about suicide, on the one hand I haven't had the cold, rationally planned desire that everything stop sinse the abuse finished, though on the other I don't see anything much changing in my life for the better any time soon so it's really just a case of continuing because no opportunity to do otherwise presents itself.

I'm not stupid enough to assume that were I trapped on a sinking ship or in a burning building some sort of reflex wouldn't take over,but I do at this moment rather feel that if somebody murdered me tomorrow I wouldn't really be losing much. Just a life of books and music and playing computer games and trying to escape life on this shity planet and it's crappy dominant species as much as I can.


Edited by dark empathy (06/07/15 05:47 AM)

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#483474 - 06/07/15 06:22 AM Re: * [Re: lapchinj]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 5512
Loc: O Kanada
Originally Posted By: lapchinj
all I do outside my dungeon is go to work and come home.


this made me cry.
not just the content, but the form.
the word 'dungeon' replacing 'home' triggers tears.

((lapchinj))

even a palace can be a prison.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#483485 - 06/07/15 09:36 AM Re: * [Re: lapchinj]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1562
Loc: California
Jeff,

For the first time in a long while, I feel empathy for someone I've never met. I am so disconnected as well, that if I disappeared from the face of the earth today, hardly anyone would notice. And those that did, would be over it in less than a week, because they have busy lives and are engaged and connected to others and their families. I, like you, truly feel completely worthless, because, frankly, no one would care when I die.

You describe my situation very well. And I have to admit that I feel a twinge of jealousy that you have a wife at your side. And kids. And I know you have communicated that your relationship to your kids isn't satisfying. But still. You've had the experience of holding one of your own children in your arms, and seeing their adoring eyes pouring into your soul.

One of my 2 "close friends" came to visit a few weeks ago. We talked a lot about growing up and older. And our neglectful mothers (which is the one thing we have in common with each other). We talked about our desire to be a good child to our mother, but being thwarted in that desire because our mothers were too involved in their own insanity to give a shit about us when we were kids. And trust became a huge part of that. We realized somewhere along the way that we couldn't trust our mothers, and that had a PROFOUND impact on our ability to learn how to trust others, ourselves, and the entire universe.

Then it clicked - part of why having kids is such a wonderfully (and painful) beautiful experience is because our kids can teach us what our parents failed to. I suddenly realized when my friend said "My sons think I'm a god. The way they look at me is sometimes unnerving. I sometimes feel I have too much power, and don't deserve their trust." ... I suddenly replied "Your kids are teaching you the lessons of trust that your mother should have." It hit me doubly hard - coming to see how much I could grow as a result of raising kids.

Sorry folks. I didn't mean to take that tangent in this thread. But this is part of the reason why I feel the way I do. I'm worthless without any relationships. I can't make friends, and thus, can't find romance, and thus, starting and raising a family is now a ridiculous fantasy. I'm so chronically lonely.

Jeff, I appreciate you sharing your inner thoughts. Home being a "dungeon" is how I feel as well. I don't feel like I live. I also feel so powerless to change this that I'm just waiting for the inevitable.

I'm just watching my body and mind slowly degenerate. Yes. This conversation does appear to skirt a little close to dangerous territory. But I personally think it's an incredibly important conversation to be had candidly. People kill themselves for a reason. I think we should look very hard and very long at those reasons. If the planet and societies want to do away with suicide so badly, then I think we should encourage far more open, public, and honest talk about this. Just like many of us strongly desires our culture to have a far more public and honest talk about childhood sexual abuse.

Saw the suicide hotline posters plastered all over our local subway. Wondered to myself "Why is it so important for other strangers to care if I kill myself or not. Why do they really care?" I think there's a fear of death we are all in denial with, and it frightens us to think that another human being would think their life is so miserable as to walk willfully towards death. It's too scary for mentally healthy people to think about.

I'm glad this thread exists. I've been thinking about suicide recently. And I'm glad to know that others feel the same haunting and depressing feeling about being trapped and stuck where they are, no matter what they're trying to do to get help.




Edited by Magellan (06/07/15 09:51 AM)

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#483493 - 06/07/15 10:57 AM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1388
Loc: New York
Hey Victor

Quote:
this made me cry.
not just the content, but the form.
the word 'dungeon' replacing 'home' triggers tears.

It wasn't my intention to make anyone cry but I cannot describe the room any other way, not even calling it a prison. A prison is also a place of confinement but there is usually more than one person in prison and there is more humane treatment given to the prisoners. Prisoners can talk to one one another even though they are in a cage.

A dungeon on the other hand is a dark gloomy place where there is no human contact. The only contact is when a person is let out of the dungeon, for instance like having to go to work. On weekends all my time is spent in my dungeon from morning till night and a lot of times all night also. I have no contact at all with family, not my wife, children or grandchildren. It's a place where my torment is plays itself out over and over again and again. I have only one chair in my dungeon so if I let anyone in then there is no place for them to sit down and chat. The would state their business and leave.

But my dungeon is a safe place for me since I know that nobody can hurt me while I'm in there. There is a lock on the door and there are no other keys than the ones I have. The windows are painted black so I get no sun or moon shining in. I am all alone with my demons and past and nobody can interfere with my thoughts.

My dungeon is a place where I try to get through my past. It's the only place that I can see the damage I caused to others and others had done to me without freaking out. It is a depressing place but I don't have to look over my shoulder anymore to see if someone is going to grab me, I am safe.

Thanks for the hugs

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#483644 - 06/10/15 01:40 AM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1388
Loc: New York
Hey ((((( Magellan )))))

Quote:
I am so disconnected as well, that if I disappeared from the face of the earth today, hardly anyone would notice. And those that did, would be over it in less than a week, because they have busy lives and are engaged and connected to others and their families. I, like you, truly feel completely worthless, because, frankly, no one would care when I die.
I think that in all religions there is a mourning period and then there is a mourning period that's added for very close family or friends. Then life goes on. This is the way I would describe my thoughts on suicide. The only one I would hurt is my wife. My kids are great and we get along since they are all grown up but they have their own families so eventually they have to get on with life. That's normal, they might remember the anniversary of their dead father but that's it. parents die before kids. It's horrible when a child goes before his time. A parent never forgets a child but a child will expect the father to go before him at some stage in his life. Yes I'm lucky that I have a wife that would be affected longer than my children but she will eventually get over that also. Maybe the anniversary would be a sadder time than it would be for the kids.

My wife is very sensitive and she mourned her mother for about 5 years. She couldn't go through her things for that whole time and she had trouble talking about her but now I think that it's 10 years since my mother in law passed away and we can talk about the good times we had together. For me you couldn't ask for a better mother in law. But people are not affected that much as time heals wounds. It might come as a shock but they will get over it. I have the place and the way I would do it and that nobody but the police would find me. So some kid riding his bike doesn't have to have the trauma of seeing a dead person. I'm not at that place now but if I ever do I have to make sure that it will work and not like when I was a kid.

Quote:
You describe my situation very well. And I have to admit that I feel a twinge of jealousy that you have a wife at your side. And kids. And I know you have communicated that your relationship to your kids isn't satisfying. But still. You've had the experience of holding one of your own children in your arms, and seeing their adoring eyes pouring into your soul
Yes it is true that I held my newborn children but as they reached around 3 years old I could not go near them, I could not kiss them or hug them. I couldn't play ball with them or roll around on the grass with them. I couldn't help them with their homework. I remember that I really didn't eat at the same table with them, I would eat before or after them. I was finally able to talk and act normal with them when they were able to go into service. That's why my wife is so special, she brought up our kids and I had nothing to do with it. I would work 70-80 hours a week just so I wouldn't have to come home and have a kid ask me who was the first president of the USA.

OK they all grew up. Now 4 out of the 6 got married and had a families of their own. I have now 13 grandchildren and I cannot touch any of them. They look like the kids I was forced to have sex with. 4 of those kids live in the apartment in my house on top of me. They are always coming in and out every day. The oldest of the 4 is 9, the second is 7, the third is 4 and the 4th is 2-1/2. The are beautiful children but I cannot go near them. I am stuck in my dungeon now from when I come home until I go to sleep. The kids never see me, none of my grandchildren see me. I have a problem when I see their happy faces which is so much different than the kids that I was forced to be with.

So before I was only triggered by own 6 kids and now I'm fucked that I cannot enjoy my grandchildren. My life has been a jail for me and that's why I am in a dungeon instead of a room downstairs. Sometimes I hurt so bad that I pray that I will not wake up in the morning.

I have never really had any friends since I came out of the USAF only acquaintances. I could not let anyone close to me that could find out what I was and how I turned trick while my kids played ball (without me).

I'm getting carried away with myself now so I must stop here. I am so sorry that you are also in pain. I wish I had the magic to rectify that.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#483660 - 06/10/15 07:59 AM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1570
Loc: kansas
Jeff,

this hurts me. First off, it would bother me if you die. I would never "get over it".

second, to say you don't have any friends also hurts me. I thought we were friends. I thought moose was your friend.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

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#483662 - 06/10/15 08:59 AM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1388
Loc: New York
Hey Obi

I meant friends here in NY. I have one close friend here in NY that I talk with usually 2 times a week, and I shared some of what went on to two foremen who I had to explain why I wasn't here on Mondays. I met cant_rememer once and he helped me a lot with the underworld side of my abuse. The last person I know here in NY is Logan who I have met several times since I've been here in 2011.but those guys would get over it very quickly.

Yes, you and Pete are close friends here on MS that I know personally. The other close friends I have here on MS are anonymiss.

As for you and Pete you might never forget (like Liri and Ladd) but the hurt will go away after a while, that is human nature. If a person could not get by the hurt then when people start passing away and they couldn't not get by the hurt they would not be able to cope with it all they would end up in a mental institution.

Sorry you misunderstood what I meant to bring out.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
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Stick around, It will get better....

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#483667 - 06/10/15 10:43 AM Re: * [Re: onlyakid]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1570
Loc: kansas
There will always be hurt, Jeff. That never goes away. I may come to a point where I can deal with the hurt, but it will always be there. To say that I will eventually not hurt anymore or that it won't bother me anymore or that I will just move on and forget about it is complete bs.

Jeff, I hope you don't think so little of our friendship that you believe that I would eventually just forget you, not care anymore and so on. That really hurts my heart. I care about you and our friendship that I would be devastated and I am pretty sure moose would too.
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