******* TRIGGER WARNING *******


Hi Guys,

I was 8 or 9 when I found out what it meant, and how I could do it.

The only problem was, I knew if I disemboweled myself and I was not dead by the time I hit the floor, I would get in trouble for making a mess.

So I started doing things like crossing the street without looking, hoping people would think it was an "accident."

When I was 17 I started doing things like mixing alcohol and prescription medication (valium) hoping it would put me in a coma.

A few years later I made an attempt I never should have survived.

There were other incidents before that, but too graphic to tell here.



Anomalous

I was 8, when I started planning or fantasying killing myself. I had no courage. Later about 13 started starving myself, I became anorectic. My therapist says it is miracle to be alive. No one knows how many does it with abuse backround.

PJ

I was about ten. Tried to hang myself from the swing set. I swung out and hung for a few seconds. when I really started to choke i was able to pull myself up. Just not ready I guess.

I was around 12 or 14 when I tried. I overdosed on some pills and just ended up getting put on stronger anti depressants.

most "normal" people would find this thread incredible - literally - because they have no idea of what we know. Most very young children don't even understand the concept of death - much less how to achieve it - and even less - the desire for it. But then, most very young children do not know as much about sex and violence and deception and abuse and perversion and evil and secrets either...

lee

Can someone make a point about this thread?
It doesn't bother me personally but please tell me there is a point to this sadfest.
Yeah we know a lot of kids have killed themselves. But we are here, we live and breathe despite the odds. out of respect and in memory of those who didn't make it, let's embrace life .

Part of the point of this is to see the terrible cost of child sexual abuse. Early cases, like mine, cause tremendous problems all throughout life. I'm not trying to scare anyone but the public out there needs to know this. The legal and enforcement people need to know that there are prolonged effects and that their jobs can't be taken lightly. Kids aren't able to sustain sexual activity. Their minds and bodies not only don't thrive under these conditions, but they are likely to sustain injuries which take huge effort to unlock later. The "Humpty Dumpty" effect. It's as though abuse flips circuit breakers in our black box.

Allen

Anthony,

This is another of the ramnifications of CSA. It's like war stories from the trenches AND some of us beat it, maybe multiple times.


***triggers***
I thought about this more and near attempts were 16, 17, 25 (serious nervous breakdown), 26, 27, etc. I did go through anorexia nervosa and got to 174 lbs and was sickly. I was lucky it didn't take hold and I didn't start throwing up and stuff. My best weight is 200-220. Self-injuring started at 25 I think to 28/29. A serious consideration was when I joined MS last November through January. Believe it or not, being diagnosed with congestive heart failure knocked me out of it. New crap to worry about and I figured, society kicked me out, I'm sick, let's see how much chaos I can cause.

It's just depression with seemingly no way out. If you're reading this, you can beat it. Call and talk to a suicide hotline, call 911, they have to help. Go to an ER and tell them. It'll cost but you can always file bankruptcy and tell the system to go fuck themselves. Nobody listened to me at 16-17 and at 25/26. You are worth the help. It's only money. Society says too many people aren't worth the help. Use the resources. That's what they are there for. It'll probably just be 3 days in a psych ward. That's peace. Believe me.

I never thought of suicide but had many days and nights where I prayed to be taken from this earth in my sleep, for the pain to stop, the images to cease but I could not. I cried I even wrote a pray to die by and would recite it each night. I could not let the fears, distrust, hurt and feeling lost go. But in my teens as I had friends, went to parties, dated life seemed bearable--and when I look at that word I realize bearable is not living. I went through the motions. Like so many, death would have been the answer to end the pain. I have seen suicide, I saw a brother drink himself to death--he was lost and my perp said he would leave him alone if I kept quiet and did what I was told to do to him. I now think the perp lied like all abusers--I think he hurt my brother, and my brother never truly lived--he went through life's motions without a spirit--I now believe the perp destroyed him beyond repair. So I see my own wish to die, my brother's way to go was not straightforward suicide but a prolonged altered state from alcohol and drugs and then those who commit suicide. Yes, CSA and all abuse and bullying destroy and the ramifications and effects are far from what people think--get over I have heard, abused people do not act out, abused people lie and so on. It is a sick world--the perp controls and the ignorant further destroy.

It has to end, we cannot afford to loose another child to CSA.

KMCINVA,

Not to defend any pedos but I don't think they (99% maybe) know the extent of the damage they do. Pufferfish, Robbie (and others I'm sure) had young perps who may have thought that's what kids do to other kids because it happened to them and they won't know the ramnifications to themselves later in life either. Pufferfish I know made that analogy. For me personally, I may look on it differently if my perps was 12 years old than the mid-20s. It's a sick argument to make for sure and no excuse. More education is needed and maybe it would curb some of it. We have that for rape.

I had a lot of bullying too and some kids did it because it was taught and some kids did it because they liked to. Doesn't make it any easier.

I just hold some more responsible that others. Adult pedos I'd drop in prison for the rest of their lives because I don't believe in a cure (and haven't seen one either) and they should pay the piper. I also believe we should help those victims of all crime way more than we do.

You know when I was bullied I always thought the same thing--I'd rather be the bully to the bullies. I didn't bully but damn sure just didn't want to be picked on. If you're the bully, you don't get picked on. I did beat 2 bullies's asses though. Rather enjoyed getting in trouble over it. Why? Everyone knew. I thought it was great that fat kid in Australia picked up that skinny bully and threw him. Good for him.