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#388538 - 03/06/12 01:20 PM Why stay?
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
A very wise man said, "why would you stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust or is not working towards recovery?"

At first that seemed so cut and dry and it felt like an Ah Ha moment, but then I started to think, because you love him, he is the father of your children and because you are so paralyzed by the terrible things that happened to him as a child that you don't want to give up on him. Everyone else in his life failed him on colossal levels.

I know in my heart the wise man is right but whats the balance and when is enough enough.


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#388539 - 03/06/12 01:45 PM Re: Why stay? [Re: Gretta]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6505
Loc: Terminus
oops...NVRmnd



Edited by Robbie Brown (03/06/12 06:54 PM)
_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#388540 - 03/06/12 01:57 PM Re: Why stay? [Re: Still]
Gretta Offline


Registered: 09/17/11
Posts: 239
The advice came from a survivor. I am sorry I didn't mention that. Robbie your story is terrible both as a child and an adult. I am sorry for all that has happened you definitely deserved more on a host of fronts.

That quote came from a conversation that was had between several survivors and wives of survivors off the board. I thought it was good enough to bring forward.


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#388546 - 03/06/12 02:51 PM Re: Why stay? [Re: Gretta]
Dar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 170
Loc: Missouri
Ask him this simple question. Does he want to stay? Yes or No

Yes, then let him show you.

No, good bye.

I don't want to sound like a cold hearted person, but that is what I was asked. He can't have both ways, I think we have all seen where that got us!

Blessings on you both

_________________________
All I ever wanted was a hug.

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#388559 - 03/06/12 05:21 PM Re: Why stay? [Re: Dar]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Dar
Ask him this simple question. Does he want to stay? Yes or No

Yes, then let him show you.

No, good bye.

I don't want to sound like a cold hearted person, but that is what I was asked. He can't have both ways, I think we have all seen where that got us!

Blessings on you both


Well said.

_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#391901 - 04/02/12 11:58 AM Re: Why stay? [Re: Gretta]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Originally Posted By: Gretta
The advice came from a survivor. I am sorry I didn't mention that. Robbie your story is terrible both as a child and an adult. I am sorry for all that has happened you definitely deserved more on a host of fronts.

That quote came from a conversation that was had between several survivors and wives of survivors off the board. I thought it was good enough to bring forward.


Good thread Gretta. On the one hand the quote is something someone further along in recovery would say and they would probably forget however long it took them to either pick up the phone for free help or save up for insurance-backed therapy.

On the other hand it is different once you've married, you can be as miserable/acting out/whatever as much as you like when you're single. Marriage is work even without abuse issues to heal from. If a male survivor's wife is the polar opposite of Robbie's ex and is in your corner 150%, then that needs to be the inspiration to make you want to get better especially if you have children.


Edited by ComicBookGuy (04/02/12 12:31 PM)
_________________________
- CBG

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#391922 - 04/02/12 02:59 PM Re: Why stay? [Re: ComicBookGuy]
Shawushka Offline


Registered: 01/05/11
Posts: 128
Loc: VA
Good thread indeed. I'm having a particularly bad day today, just bawling my eyes out and wondering "why stay?".
My husband is a wonderful and caring guy, but ever since he's disclosed not much happened. He's reading every once in while in a book I bought him and he claims to feel more grounded now. But that's it.
I have no trust in him, I'm still deeply hurt by all the lies and betrayal, we have no intimacy anymore, I prefer to sleep in a separate bedroom, just to get some space and feel how I'm slowly detaching myself from this relationship.

He somehow seems to think that time will heal all wounds, that I will trust him once I realise he is not cheating anymore, it will all be alright. Somehow.

I don't mean to threadjack, so to come back to the question "why do I stay?" - I feel obliged to not let him down. He trusted me more than anyone else and disclosed, and I feel that if I leave I'll betray his trust.
And not to mention the social pressure, that can keep you from leaving. Everyone around us thinks we're the perfect couple and have the most wonderful life. It'd be really hard to come up with a half-way plausible explanation for friends and family.

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#391931 - 04/02/12 04:38 PM Re: Why stay? [Re: Shawushka]
Kazbob12 Offline


Registered: 03/19/12
Posts: 42
SNAP!! My partner disclosed before we entered into a relationship. however ours was a bit different. His abuse stopped at the age of 14 when we entered into a relationship at school and the perpetrator (unknowingly the case then) was introduced to me and he 'knew' we were embarking on a 'physical' relationship. My partner once said 5 month into our new relationship now that I saved him as a result of this. When we got back together I saved him again. He was on self destruct as the perp had just been sentenced the year before and imprisoned so he had had to go thru a court case. I went into it with open eyes however I did not fully appreciate the effects on his behaviour that the abuse and the acknowledgement of the abuse would have on him. Substance and alcohol abuse, dissapearing for hours on end, not returning home when he should be, going missing for days on end. Mood swings, depression. Lack of intimacey etc etc.

I stay because I feel I owe it to him to stick this out. This is what I promised knowing what I was kind of letting myself in for! Hes been let down all of his life, cant trust anyone and couldnt turn to anyone. He has trusted me with that. He has attended his first counselling session today which has brought its own problems in relation to how he is coping with that. BUT if he tries then I will! xx

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