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#391920 - 04/02/12 02:52 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1401
Loc: kansas
Mark that down as a positive, Jeff. wink
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#391923 - 04/02/12 03:05 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 10:12 PM)
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#391924 - 04/02/12 03:08 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
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Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 10:12 PM)
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Stick around, It will get better....

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#391926 - 04/02/12 03:19 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1401
Loc: kansas
Nah, it's taking that wall down one brick at a time. The real you is emerging. The part of you that all your friends here already see and truly care about.

I know this because of what you said in your post that you know you have real friends because we listen to you and still accept you for who you are. That is what a true friend is. You realizing this is not only a positive, it's a VICTORY!!!

celebrate the victory! laugh
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#391927 - 04/02/12 04:01 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: Obi]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Jeff,
I totally agree with Obi. You are AWESOME. You have inspired me through your support and honesty. Something I need to work on! I can relate to the feeling of what we did as kids. We did it out of necessity, not choice (even though I still struggle to not see it as a choice). I struggle to accept this, but through the support of our friends here as well as lots of hard work in therapy, it is SLOWLY sinking in.

Hang in there, my friend.
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#391930 - 04/02/12 04:38 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: ACRoberts]
lapchinj Offline
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Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 10:12 PM)
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Stick around, It will get better....

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#391933 - 04/02/12 04:47 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1250
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 10:13 PM)
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Stick around, It will get better....

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#391939 - 04/02/12 05:40 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1401
Loc: kansas
jeff,

you know something.... you're right... it was you choice...


and here's the "but"......


you made that choice out of survival... we all made the choice out of survival... we didn't know and/or understand, but we all did what we had to do to survive...

that is nature at it's finest... the first basic instinct in nature is to survive... whatever it is that we need to do, or say, is what will happen to survive....

jeff, you did what you had to do to survive...
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#391941 - 04/02/12 06:10 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: Obi]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1792
Jeff,

I agree with obi--the CSA effects us in so many ways--creates guilt and shame, you were a child and your mind was not developed. You were robbed of growing up with a childhood like most here. We did whatever to survive--silence, giving into the abusers demands, and bury it in ourselves to fester and destroy our sense of self and worth. It influenced our choices in life, many times allowing others to diminish who we are--but only after facing the truth of the abuse can we begin to live. Yes things were done, but remember, you were robbed of yourself by the perp--destroying us in so many ways. I admire your courage to face the past and move forward. We deserve a normal life--as we heal we can choice that affirms who we are, not falling into the trap of others who will not value us, but expect much and hurt us. Keep going you are healing. You have survived--that is a major fete after what you have been through.

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#391942 - 04/02/12 06:26 PM Re: The shame and guilt of turning tricks [Re: lapchinj]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1491
Originally Posted By: Jeff
turning tricks might have been out of necessity but it was also my choice. Yes I wanted to keep him and I was afraid that if I didn't play the game I would loose him. So it was my choice to continue.

We choose how we react, how we adapt, and in so doing we accept the consequence of our reactions. We take the bitter pill of responsibility in the hopes we are empowered to effect the change we want.

When I was singled out by my older mentor to have sex - even though I did not initially want to, I eventually indulged my reactions to him - my twisted sexual awakening - and thus owned them. I was a dirty little kid at 13. I wasn't a prostitute - but then again - wasn't I? I sold my body to buy my sister (and it STILL didn't work as I recently found out). It's the same thing. We sold for money or love - the oldest reasons in the book. We make our own reality, and sometimes we kid ourselves. Our flesh was our currency as boys - it was our power and perhaps we are united now in our guilt and dysfunction. Our sexual tracks were hammered down and set in dark secret moments we dared not share. And the train runs in an endless oval - circling and searching for a turnout - but it keeps going around and around, stuck in the pattern we laid out long ago. Can I come here and really expect to exculpate myself from sinking a few of those spikes - from setting some of those rails myself?

I suppose, Jeff, it is similar to your dilemma. There is no candy-coating that easily sticks to this. The paradox is simple enough: If I say it is my molester's fault, I exonerate myself but empower him. If I say it was my fault, I empower myself while at the same time convict myself of complicity; I own the shame. And there is no middle ground. Middle ground is for wimps, smacking of rationalization and excuse. Do we not own the marks that were painted upon us?

My late teens and early twenties were endless forays into putting myself in compromising situations with older, stronger men and saying "No" at precisely the wrong time. I am not proud that I left behind a trail of very sexually frustrated men in my youth. I probably said "no" to those men only a fraction of the times that I said "yes" to my perp. Was I was thinking that once the math evened out, I would have effectively "undone" the times I said "yes"? If I said "yes" to my perp 500 times but said "no" to guys after that 510 times, did I undo it? One guy didn't take "no" and I perhaps deserved the pain as much as he deserved the reward. So maybe that "no" counted for 20? Found not guilty by reason of math. How perfectly geeky of me - trying to work my way through this mess as if it was a mathematical proof.

So there - at least I can say I tried to undo the decisions I made. But I could not - and even if I did hit that magic number (whatever it was), I still wouldn't. I was kidding myself then. So what makes me think I'm not kidding myself here? Indulging in a kumbaya-laced attempt to convince myself it wasn't my fault after all? So I didn't have to (almost) sleep with all those big guys (one of them made me do it anyways)?

We all thirst for the perfect answer. What if we can't accept it even when we hear it? Even when we hear it 510 times?

There are no easy answers, nor do I pretend to know them. And I don't even understand the questions I'm supposed to be answering. Maybe we are all just sewer rats huddling together in the gutter, trying to feel good about ourselves, seeking some sort of "normal". But it is in the moments of acceptance of that unpleasant truth that I also feel the greatest feeling of liberation. I didn't ask to make these decisions. Maybe I made the wrong ones, but I didn't ask to make them. Neither, Jeff, did you.

Maybe it's enough to know that we are just trying to find our way.
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