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#39174 - 07/08/02 09:46 AM Being a good father
manchild Offline
Member

Registered: 11/22/00
Posts: 35
Loc: netherlands
I notice i feel drawn towards families with kids. Especially fathers with sons. Just like wanting to be a part of that family.
I guess i have a fathership, that of the boy in me, and i want to learn from other fathers.


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#39175 - 07/08/02 11:14 AM Re: Being a good father
Bob Wheelock Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/14/02
Posts: 15
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello Manchild,
Thanks for writting about the father thing. I think that every man wishes he could father a child or children. I think we all wish we would have at least one son.
It has helped me to think of myself as the kid being molested. I fantasize holding him and telling him how beautiful he is and how safe he now is. I tell him I will die rather than let someone harm him in the slightest way.
Sometimes, I just think of sitting with him, hugging him and saying nothing. It sounds like you are open to something like that. If you try it I hope that it really helps. I use a teddy bear to just have something to hold on to.
I wish you the fulfillment of your desire to be a father--at least to your hurting child, and maybe in other ways as well.
I am a HS counselor. I see the students as surrogate kids. I attend their performances, speak to them at lunch etc.
If you do not have kids, I can tell you that HS kids appreciate anyone coming to their games, plays etc. Eventually you get to know them and they get to know you and before long you have young people in your life that mean everything to you.
Bob


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#39176 - 07/08/02 12:38 PM Re: Being a good father
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Manchild,
you've hit a nerve there, one I only recently found I had at all.
Only towards the later stages of recovery did I realise that I wasn't an abuser, for over 30 years I didn't know and I was scared. I knew I was fucked up, my obsessions and acting out told me that, but I could never figure out just how bad I was. So I avoided children all that time and made every excuse in the book not to have any with my wife, a woman who is so maternal and good with kids, it must be so hard on her now that we're both too old to realistically be parents.
I've watched my nephews and nieces and my friends kids grow up all around me, and kept away.

This is the thing that upsets me most now, we have been deprived of our normal family life by those bastards that abused me !!

I watch my friends and family, our age, with their kids and grandkids and I ache inside for what we've lost. I try to catch up but I've never learned how to play and act with kids naturally, I kept away from them, and I wasn't one myself for very long.

And I fear that as we get older we will find the hole in our lives getting bigger.
If you have kids, give them a big hug tonight.

Lloydy \:\(

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#39177 - 07/09/02 06:18 AM Re: Being a good father
manchild Offline
Member

Registered: 11/22/00
Posts: 35
Loc: netherlands
Thanks for inspiring me Bob and Loydy. I don't have kids of my own (yet).
Everywhere people feel inspired by me, everywhere i have been making a difference, i consider to have fatherd.


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#39178 - 07/09/02 12:54 PM Re: Being a good father
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Manchild
I'm so pleased you hope to have kids sometime.
I feel that someone who has become a survivor and dealt with it at an early age will probably make a super father.
We learn a lot to survive, mostly about ourselves. But also about relationships and the balance of "power" within them, we learn to trust again, and most important we learn to love again.
What more can a child want ?
Lloydy \:D

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#39179 - 07/09/02 05:47 PM Re: Being a good father
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I too want to be a dad, we are looking into forter parenting inorder to adopt. We are also going through fertility clinic to tyr that too.

Wish us luck.

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#39180 - 07/09/02 07:24 PM Re: Being a good father
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Be lucky Michael, soon I hope.
Lloydy \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#39181 - 07/09/02 08:58 PM Re: Being a good father
Anonymous
Unregistered


Fellow men:

I hear and feel where y'all are coming from. Having a son or daughter and doing all you can to be a healthy dad. I feel that desire too, but I would only be a dad if I believed I could be a healthy dad. You see, I have no desire to cause an innocent child to suffer as I was forced to. Only if i felt I could be healthy. Only then.

For those who have no child of their own I have a suggestion: make an effort to help a lost boy/girl. Become a big brother or a mentor. There is a great need. And, keep in mind that at last count there were 6 billion humans on this planet. One planet can only support so many of us. This fact makes adoption sound even better than it would otherwise.

rafael


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