I've been reading your posts and seeing you question your childhood perspective. I've been doing the same and I think it shows real a healthy, strong mind to do that. It means, to me, that you and I and others are in a place of being able to look at things because they are no longer controlling our behavior. Healthy thoughts are starting to lead us in a new direction and that means we have to question old thoughts.
I was molested by a stranger at age 13 and never saw him again. I acted out with men from 13 to my early 20's by choice. Like Andrew said above, I now see that I didn't have really have a choice. I had no other knowledge that I could be any other way. I had no other people in my life who knew and who cared about me. I had an extremely confused sense of touch, sex, love and intimacy all taught to me by sick people which made me come up with some sort of manageable system by which I could live. I had myself believe that this touch by this stranger and then by further strangers was intimate, caring, affectionate and at times, it would play that way. But men having sex with a boy IN SECRET is all about sickness and is all about the man either teaching negative bonding or further reinforcing an already damaged boy.
Someone on here pointed something out to me that boys need: affirmation, attention and affection (3 A's). Pedophiles can step in and use those needs to suit their own ends through the use of the boy's body against him. Its what happened to me and the abuse of it led me to further continue acting out on it since sexual touch seemed to meet all three needs:
(1) Affirmation - since he enjoyed my presence (through sex), it must mean I'm worthwhile;
(2) Attention - someone was seeing me, valuing me (even though it was as an object, it felt like value);
(3) Affection - physically, it wasn't all bad (and that's a huge part of the abuse - to make me seem complicit and equally responsible).
Combine all 3 and it screwed up my thoughts about male bonding, male mentors/father figures/leaders, my guilt about partaking, my shame about acting out on the abuse after made me feel like I must not have been abused, all of this led me to live a very isolated life. I resemble Andrew above in I am 46 and just starting to live my life.
I give you so much credit for re-investigating your perspective. Its not easy but, for me, its leading to freedom to think that I can have better.
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed