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#391547 - 03/30/12 08:11 PM Any mothers of male survivors here?
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Having found out about a year ago that my now adult son had been the victim of sexual abuse by a much-trusted neighbor has really "rocked my world." My son has suffered so much in his life--so much angst and depression. And now it's really hard not to feel overwhelmingly guilty even though I logically know that feeling isn't justified. How could I have known? Maybe I could have; I sure feel I should have...Hope that there are other mothers out there who can help me work through this. My son deserves the very very best I can give him, the best I can be for him.

Wishing all of you hope and healing

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#391571 - 03/31/12 12:23 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6353
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I'm not a mother of a survivor, but I had one - the entire time I hid the abuse from her.

We DO hide things, and we hide things very very well. We become proficient in acting and protecting you from our truth. We feel you can't or ought-not deal with such ugliness and images of your darling son. As for fathers, we have so many other solid reasons to shield truths.

Just wondering, if you care to share - What is he getting for help right now?
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#391579 - 03/31/12 02:13 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: Still]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
When I was 19 or 20 I tried to tell my mother about the abuse but her response was that she "couldn't hear it" due to her going thru her "own stuff" at the time. Later in my life she brought it up in the context of my drinking, which felt manipulative to me, as in she only raised it as a way of trying to get me to stop. Now years later I am newly sober and working on my recovery from SA in earnest yet we don't talk about it at all. I don't bring it up to her and she doesn't with me, which suits me just fine since given my past experience it feels like talking to her about what happened to me as a kid is only acceptable if it suits her agenda. Forgive me, I love my mother, and we get along otherwise, but I am not going to put myself in a position of being vulnerable with her about something so difficult and personal only to be rejected or feel used for some other agenda like I did in the past.

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#391582 - 03/31/12 02:49 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: jls]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear Sherefe,
indeed you couldn't know. I'm also neither mother but I've had one and also never told her. I was scared and didn't want to spoil picture of perfect family. Didn't want to ruin everything...
Please don't feel in that trap of self guilt. Many mothers need some support after they have found true about their children.
Here is some booklet for you that could be helpful, please read it; there was explained why was impossible for you as mother to know at the time that your child was abused:
http://www.mosac.org.uk/downloads/Reasons-impossible-for-Mother-to-know-CSA.pdf
Work on yourself in parallel with giving some support to your son!
Let us all know how your son is doing and how are you with all that mess!

Be Well!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#391603 - 03/31/12 08:15 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: peroperic2009]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Thank you for your response. I will definitely read the booklet. Yes, I also need to "work on myself"; guilt isn't easy to live with. In truth, the fear I have for my son's future is even more difficult to deal with. I hope you have gotten the support you need to live a rich, full life.

Thanks again,

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#391655 - 03/31/12 05:08 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: Still]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
My son--who is 26-- hid the abuse from me for about 20 years. It had started around the time he entered elementary school, and he didn't tell me until about a year ago. I think I was in shock and denial for part of that time. I just couldn't believe that the neighbor "boy" I had known from his birth could be such a..what word is okay or do I have to be politically correct when mentioning the abuser? To answer your question, my son has been in and out of therapy most of his life because of his lack of impulse control, anger, acting out in school to the detriment of academics. For while, therapists said it was ADD then childhood depression. It really makes me angry that non of the professionals ever approached the possibility of sexual abuse. For the past few months, he has been in therapy with an MSW who himself was a victim of child abuse. He is also a member of this forum and says he is beginning to feel encouraged.

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#391656 - 03/31/12 05:13 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: jls]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Dear Robbie:

I'm sorry that your telling your mom about the abuse didn't elicit more support. I read the pamphlet that was recommended by Pero in response to my first post. Apparently, shock and denial are common reactions. That doesn't clear your feeling of rejection, I know. As a mom. I guess I'm asking you to someday==maybe when you are truly recovered--accept your mom's failings as human--awfully human in the face of awful circumstances if that makes sense. So many men on this board who have faced what I consider unspeakable cruelty and have found the courage to deal with it. Hopefully moms can find that courage too

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#391659 - 03/31/12 06:03 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear Sherefe,
I'm glad to hear that your son is finally getting some good support. I'm also happy to hear that he is part off this forum, I'm sure that he will be alright.
I can't speak in names of others survivors but let me tel you that moms didn't failed as humans (neither you did), being mom is long-life role and there is no such thing as failure as long as you are taking care for your child. And from your comments is oblivious that you are caring mom, just proceed like that further and forget about taking some guilt...
I do hope that some mothers would approach you and share some experience, that could be very helpfull for you...
_________________________
My story

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#391670 - 03/31/12 07:48 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: peroperic2009]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Thank you, Peroperic. You are wise to know that being a mother doesn't stop just because a child becomes an adult. And if it is true that I really couldn't have known, then maybe I'm not a failure as a human. But I'm not giving myself an "A" for effort, I can assure you!

I found the link your provided very helpful. Once of the things that had troubled me was my reaction when my son first told me. I wasn't angry at the "perpetrator." It didn't seem that a lifelong fondness for a child I had watched grow up could instantly turn to anger. And then I was very angry at myself for my lack of feeling. The link you sent pointed out that shock and denial are often mothers' first reactions. I think there may be some "dissociation" involved, too. It's different today; I'd like to wring the young man's neck.

Since it doesn't look as if there are mothers on this forum to help me work through this, may I ask male survivors for some help? I'd like to know if men who experienced repeated sexual abuse from childhood to adolescence typically experience debilitating depression--depression that sends them to bed for weeks, that prevents them from finishing school or holding jobs for a long time? And if that does happen, do those men manage to recover? Finally, what are your suggestions for how I can best help my son to heal?

Thank you for being my "support group" although it is I who should be offering an abundance of support to all of you.

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#391674 - 03/31/12 08:09 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
I wish to help if I can, you would do the same I'm sure smile !
Please be free to post same this thread at Male Survivors part of board, I'm sure that survivors would help you with all this issue.
Recovery is absolutely possible, sometimes some scars are left but we are capable of having completely normal lives, off course that huge work is needed to accomplish that... Good thing that your son is relatively young man, many survivors started recovery after some years; in 30s or 40s or even later, there are many examples here about that fact.
And unfortunately answer on your question is yes.
Men who experienced sexual abuse in childhood typically experience depression, PTSD or some other trait that prevented them from finishing school or holding jobs etc. There could be a lot problems including alcohol overuse, drugs, gambling, addiction, porn or sex addiction etc. Survivors are much more prone to those kind of problematic behavior than "regular" men...
But please don't be scared because of that fact, we need you grounded at every cost smile!
I'll need to think more about some things that could help you about that, I'll comment it later!
One more suggestion, there is wonderful guy here who already helped some wives, mothers and families, I'll send you PM with his contact and you can ask him for some advice too!
Be Well!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#391687 - 03/31/12 09:34 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: peroperic2009]
somaticfilter Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 14
Loc: New York
Sherefe,

You are my mother, and I love you with all my heart.I wanted to thank you publicly for agreeing to be a part of my recovery process. Your love and desire to help is empowering, and I can't help but feel that with your considerable strength behind me, we can finally defeat my daemons.

I'm sorry for all the years I lied to you. I was afraid that it would be too hurtful, overwhelming to you. I was also afraid of exposing indirectly the fact that I am, as you know, bisexual. I feared being rejected by you as 'damaged goods' and abandoned yet again. I know of course that this was irrational, but the irrational fears are often the most difficult to overcome.

I love you dearly, and in a bittersweet way I think the sharing of this terrible pain will bring us closer together. It's a chance for us to start again and put aside everything that has driven a wedge between us over the years.

lots of love and thanks from your beloved son and new best friend.

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#391702 - 03/31/12 10:21 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: peroperic2009]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Thank you again for all your support. I look forward to connecting with the person you recommend.

There is comfort in knowing that my son's life so far has not been similar to that of other victims. The comfort comes I guess from knowing that others who have had similar experiences and responses have found their way to recovery. I'm sure it requires a great deal of effort and support from many people. Youth is indeed on his side My son is fortunate to have found this site to add to his support system and I'm glad he wanted me to reach out to the people here, too.

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#391704 - 03/31/12 10:33 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: somaticfilter]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
My darling son:

There is strength in number and you and I along with others who love you, professionals, and the men on this site are a very mighty force.

It grieves me that you or other male survivors felt that they would be considered "damaged goods." it would, I think break any parent's heart to feel that a child would fear negative feelings at telling of his victimization. That fear may be the biggest deterrent to ending sexual abuse. And yet it is a very real fear. Better minds than mine will have to figure out how to convince men of that. But I think many women already knwo it. Many know too well what it feels like to be used as a toy and discarded when the user has had enough "fun." Mothers are women so how can they can understand?

You owe me NO apologies. No matter how many people say I couldn't have known, I will alayso feel I SHOULD have known, at least should have made you know that no matter what anyone did to you, my love would be with you. If I didn't warn you clearly enough about "inappropriate touching" if I didn't make you feel totally secure in the love of your family so that you could tell us, I am at fault and owe you the apology.

The past can't be changed but together we can end the pattern of misery you've lived with in the light of love and truth.

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#391814 - 04/01/12 08:41 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: peroperic2009]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
Dear Sherefe,

I am a mother of child who was abused. He is only 7 now, he was abused when he was 5yo. I come here once in a while but I am very busy trying hard every minute of the day to undo or minimize what was done to him. Please feel free to email me.

Check this site that is for mothers of child abuse victim
http://www.mosac.net/

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#391818 - 04/01/12 09:17 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: pat8]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
male survivor here...

reading this thread makes me cry. for the son, for the mother, for myself.

don't wasnt to hijack this but jsut gotta say - somaticfilter & sherefe - you are BLESSED! you might not see it that wasy - but i'd have done anything to have had my mom's support - hell - even to have had her notice anything or to have believed me when i one time tried to reveal - years later. she denied that my memories could be true. never went there again...

it is SO GOOD that you are facing this and working through things TOGETHER! so many of us guys here are so much older and have kept dark secrets buried for so long. it may seem like forever to you - but believe me - by addressing the issues NOW - you have a much better chance at a better life.

keep up the good work. we are here for you.
wishing you strength and courage and hope!!!
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#391831 - 04/01/12 11:29 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: peroperic2009]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I am sorry for the pain you have both endured, but grateful that you are now on the road to recovery together.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391842 - 04/02/12 12:04 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Hi sherefe my name is Mike and I am a 36 year survivor. I love what your son but in this post. He has grown into a great man and you should be proud. Please let me offer any help that I can to help you and your son stitch your lives back together. I have helped several families and I look forward to helping you. Mike

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#391846 - 04/02/12 12:49 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: mike13]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6806
Loc: USA
I'm the male survivor of a mother. Does that count??

Puffer

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#391849 - 04/02/12 01:02 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: pufferfish]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
This is so beautiful thread, I'm touched with mutual love and support that radiate from it.
Dear Somaticfilter share with as much as you can, let us all help each other on path to recovery wink !
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#391858 - 04/02/12 02:18 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: traveler]
somaticfilter Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 14
Loc: New York
lee

we cry together. you're right. I am blessed but until now I couldn't see it. how do I make this life work? how do I learn to function like everyone who's 'normal'? It seems impossible.

I'm in a strange state where I'm at my lowest but finally beginning to break free.

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#391887 - 04/02/12 09:12 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: traveler]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Dear Lee:

Thank you so much for taking a moment to offer words of encouragement. I do have to say that I am feeling encouraged because we have finally joined hands to work through this and because so many men here have been willing to share with us.

As a mother, it seems I feel compelled to try to defend the moms who are mentioned here as less than 100% supportive. So many factors play into a mom's response. I shouldn't play amateur psychologist but---maybe lack of response is caused by overwhelming guilt that makes it easier to deny it ever happened. After all, a parent's job is first and foremost to protect a child. Knowing that we've failed in that regard is truly awful. Then, too, there may be the emotional need to remove oneself from the situation in order to live past it. I fear that when my son first told me, I was more distant than I should have been. Too much to take in all at once. I'm glad he had the guts and/or determination to come back to me with it. NONE of this is easy for anyone-- which in NO way minimizes the pain of the survivors. I've watched that pain constantly for years even when I didn't know where it came from but, of course, I can't really walk in your shoes.

What I can do is send you LOADS of wishes for strength, courage, and love in your own life.

I

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#391888 - 04/02/12 09:14 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: Jim1104]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Thank you, Jim. I hope that you are traveling your road to recovery at maximum speed and with lots of love from those around you.

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#392004 - 04/03/12 02:05 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
will let you know
_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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#392082 - 04/03/12 06:48 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: confusion4life]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Dear dear Manuela:

What an amazing journey you and your daughter have been on. It is almost inconceivable and tremendously wonderful that your daughter's love gave her such determination. You must indeed be a very wonderful mother.

Sadly my son did not have your daughter's determination; maybe he didn't feel he had so much love to lose if he told. He did not do well in school for the most part although his intelligence has never been in question. He eventually dropped out of high school but then went on to college--got good grades; made dean's list one semester; had the third lead in the school play (Shakespeare) and then dropped out. Then went back. Then dropped out...on and on for years. He has never held a job for a full year; usually sleeps all day and is up all night. It's very very difficult for me to function when he can't. (I'm a teacher too)

Your advice is excellent--I need to "do things" in order to get past the guilt. My problem is that I am totally clueless about what to do. Before I knew about the abuse, I often thought I should practice tough love--kick him out, force him to function. Now that doesn't seem like a choice at all. As for the abuser--I can't confront him unless my son wants to and so far he doesn't. And feeling bad definitely makes my son feel really bad but I just can't seem to stop. Much of the time, I feel as if it is hopeless and THAT FEELING IS TOTALLY WRONG FOR HIM. I feel desperate and so very very worried about his future. How will he support himself? Who will hold his hand when he is tormented?

So what is it I am supposed to do? Because I so yearn "to do for him," I came here seeking advice. I've found WONDERFUL SUPPORT and some hope but I still DO NOT HAVE A CLUE WHAT TO DO FOR HIM.

May you and your daughter continue to be strong and determined and continue to heal. May whatever gods there be bless you with "light and love."

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#392083 - 04/03/12 08:06 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: somaticfilter]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: somaticfilter
lee

we cry together. you're right. I am blessed but until now I couldn't see it. how do I make this life work? how do I learn to function like everyone who's 'normal'? It seems impossible.

I'm in a strange state where I'm at my lowest but finally beginning to break free.


Dear somaticfilter,

i am sorry it has taken me so long to reply to this. maybe you meant it as a rhetorical question to anyone/everyone - but i took it as a very direct and personal challenge and feel compelled to attempt an answer.

to begin - you will probably never function like everyone who is "normal." that does not mean that you can't have a wonderful life. but it will be different from others because of your history. in a way - that is true of everyone - there is always some unique difference because each individual has a completely different set of events and memories and reactions to them all. Forget "normal"! its over-rated. some of the worst a*&h@#$s i have had the misfortune to meet have been "normal." we survivors often have a depth of compassion and courage and strength and resilience and perseverance that the "norms" couldn't dream of. We are SURVIVORS! so just focus on being the best YOU that you can be - whatever that looks like.

here's an analogy - suppose you have an accident that takes off part of your foot. you'll be in the hospital confined to bed for a while. then you may be in a wheelchair and later on crutches as you start to heal. eventually you will get back on your "own two feet" or at least one and a fraction. you will probably need to go through some kind of physical therapy to learn how to walk with this difference in your anatomy from the normal. eventually, you may be able to walk without any other assistance and have will adapt to the balance, use of other muscles, etc - so that your walking function, ryhthm, and appearance may be only the tiniest bit discernably different from an un-injured person. it take more effort to get there. but it is do-able.

OK - now for the "how-to" part. "How do I make this life work?" that is something that you will have to explore and it will have to be your own special and unique discovery. the process is part of the answer. no one else can give you the formula or prescribe exactly what will work for you. BUT - reading books, writing your own mwmories,thoughts and feelings, discussing issues on the MS foums, sharing with other survivors, talking about your story with others, individual and/or group therapy - all can help you find the pieces of the puzzle. it's hard work - but holds an intrinsic reward. and "we" others in this hard-to-qualify membership group are here for you, working on it together.

I want to give you a letter that i wrote to myself that i posted here a while back. several others thought it was helpful, so maybe you will, too. i can't think of anything that expresses any better what i'd have wanted someone to tell me when i started this journey. so this is sort of an example of the "golden rule" - doing for others what i'd want them to do for me...

Dear younger me, Feb 5, 2012
I don’t know how to do this because I/you never had this modeled for us. No one ever told you or me the things we needed to hear, the things that would help us get through the hard times, the things that would help us feel better. As the older, and I hope, wiser version of you, I want to tell you some things that I wish someone had told you/me many years ago. Since they didn’t then, this will have to do:

You are of great value in yourself. You do not have to earn it or prove it or find it or achieve it or work for it – the value is already there because you are a unique individual that God created and that no one else will ever be able to duplicate. No matter how much anyone else tries to de-value you, do not believe them or accept it. Do not let them force you to believe their lies.

You are smart and good and handsome and creative. If they cannot see that or admit it, it is their loss and problem. You may not believe it yourself but it is true and there is evidence to support it.

You had a right to expect and receive respect, protection, validation, recognition of your value and gifts. You should have been able to live free from fear, guilt and defensiveness. You should have been loved, cherished and nurtured. The adults around you failed you and betrayed you. They were not worthy role models as parents, teachers, leaders or authority figures. Instead they either actively abused you or passively allowed abuse to take place and continue. They are guilty of Sins of Omission, being Accessories, Enablers, and Contributors. They assented by not objecting and condoned by their silence.

The bad things that happened to you were not and are not your fault. You did not want it or ask for it or seek it or deserve it. You did not bring this upon yourself by any choice or action or thought or inborn flaw or vibration or subconscious attraction. You did not agree to it or participate in it willingly or assent to it by your silence or passivity or submission. Nor was it valid to “teach you a lesson” or “toughen you up” or “make a man of you” or “good for you” in some other twisted, rationalized excuse. Even though the things that were done to you precipitated physical sensations and emotional feelings on your part, those were involuntary reflex reactions – not anything that you could prevent or suppress. Those responses were, in fact, proof that you were normal and healthy and just like any other boy or man.
There is evil in the world and there are people who choose to do evil and there are other people who suffer for their decisions and actions. You are one of the latter, not one of the former.

You are far stronger that you think or feel you are. You are resourceful and resilient and show great ingenuity and perseverance in your struggle to survive and thrive. You will succeed in overcoming many obstacles. Some bad stuff from your childhood will continue to haunt you and try to handicap you, but you can fight it and make progress against those crippling ghosts. If I could, I would help you in your difficult journey, but for long stretches of time you will feel very alone. You are a survivor – not just a victim!

There will be times when everything looks dark and bleak and hopeless. Hang on – it will get better. There will be bright spots along the way – periods of joy and contentment that are a promise and foretaste of how life can be and should be. Enjoy those to the fullest whenever you can and be thankful for them. The memories of those good times can help when everything feels like it has always been and always will be totally dark. Keep moving onward and upward toward that light. You will make it.

The hurt you are feeling seems never-ending. It will last a long time, but it is not everlasting. Some pains will diminish with time and effort and knowledge and growth. Some may end completely. You can endure even the ones that hang on persistently and stubbornly. When you start to face up to the root causes of the pain and begin digging them up, it will feel worse before it feels better. Someone said that if you can survive abuse, you can survive recovery. For it does get better if you hold on and keep working at it.

There will be times when you wonder if it might not be better and easier and more comfortable to just give up or die and end all the pain. Don’t go there. It is worth the hard work to heal.

There will be those who will not be aware of what you have been through or will deny and negate it and its effects. There will be some who do not care what you have been through or will know but not be able to understand or empathize. There will be some who blame you and judge and condemn and reject and hate. But there will be others that will understand where you are coming from and how you have become who you are and the demons you wrestle with. There will also be some precious heroes who overcome their own shame and brokenness to reach out and empathize and offer grace and acceptance and love. They can help if you will let them. They will freely give of their own costly treasures of experience and encouragement and wisdom and compassion and acceptance.

You do not have to continue to be alone.
You must forgive yourself.
You must accept yourself.
You must trust yourself.
You must learn to love yourself.
And then you will be more able to forgive, accept, trust and love others
And you will become a gift and a blessing to others.

With regret, grief, empathy, love, and hope,
Lee (in the present)
smile


Edited by traveler (04/03/12 08:10 PM)
Edit Reason: typos
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#392159 - 04/04/12 09:15 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: mike13]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Hi Mike:

Thank you for your offer of help. My son is indeed an outstanding man. In addition to being very intelligent, he has a heart of gold, but the fact that he is very sensitive is not, I fear, helping him in this case.

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#392160 - 04/04/12 09:17 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: pufferfish]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Dear Puffer:

Are you saying that it was your mother who abused you? How I hope not!! Horrifyingly the fact is that mothers are just people and prone to the same diseases of the mind as any other human.

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#392166 - 04/04/12 10:33 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
rook Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 25
sherefe are you in therapy?

"i always knew i could stop it if only i tell you. the thing was only, it was dad and i knew i will mess HIS life if i talk. i knew i will make my brothers sad and i knew it will hurt you a lot. i did think of telling you many times and a few times i almost did. but when i balanced the pros and contras, i always came to the conclusion its better if i take the abuse than hurting everyone including dad. "

This very deeply saddens me, and shows how absurd and insane incest is.


What you can do is go to a professional and talk about things to help you work through the guilt shame ect that comes with knowing what you know now about your son. They will give you healthy strategies to work on to help your son. There is so much emotional issues invovled that he cant provide you with what he may need, and you can get the help thats needed.

sensitivity is a gift,so I have been told more than a few times, instead of trying to avoid it or the likes, help him harness that power that is much more helpful. "toughining" up or the likes didnt work in the past, time to embrace the emotional side and make it work for him.

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#392169 - 04/04/12 11:06 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: sherefe

As a mother, it seems I feel compelled to try to defend the moms who are mentioned here as less than 100% supportive. So many factors play into a mom's response. I shouldn't play amateur psychologist but---maybe lack of response is caused by overwhelming guilt that makes it easier to deny it ever happened. After all, a parent's job is first and foremost to protect a child. Knowing that we've failed in that regard is truly awful. Then, too, there may be the emotional need to remove oneself from the situation in order to live past it.


i know why she closed her eyes and refused to see it. she and her mom and sister were abandoned by her father when she was very young. they had a very difficult time surviving. my father died when i was 3 and she was needing security and material support for herself, my brother and me. history was repeating itself. i'm sure in her mind it was too scary to contemplate losing the comfortable life she had just re-gained and going back to wondering how she would support her kids. and then - things like that didn't happen in nice families - and we were definitely nice. it was easier to believe that nothing was wrong and that this was how dads disciplined the naughty boys under their care.

i benefited materially from that decision just as she did - nice house, clothes, good food, cars, vacations... but i feel like i was the one who really paid the price for the life-style we enjoyed.

thanks for the other kind comments. i wasn't meaning to fish for compliments or sympathy. and i don't blame you. your situation was different, i'm sure.

i was very good at hiding what was happening once i realized that it upset her. i tried to protect her from the knowledge. it was a 3-way conspiracy: the abuser, the abused/protector, and the protected/intentionally blind.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#392299 - 04/05/12 12:58 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: somaticfilter]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Dearest son:

Maybe I am not the one to give you advice, especially when those who are in the same shoes as you are already doing so much to support you. I do believe--as I used to tell you when you were a child--you have to keep on truckin' NEVER give up; never stop believing that things will get better. Love the analogy of a man recuperating from an amputation--guess in a sense you had your childhood amputated. (I also agree that "normal" isn't all it's cracked up to be. The greatest minds in history were often deemed "cracked) But no matter what factors have scarred us, our internal fortitude, our spirit can be bolstered by the support of others, hard work and knowledge. In your case, internalize the knowledge that you are so very very dear to many people at least in part because you are truly a kind-hearted man with looks and an abundance of intelligence and wit. You are very very worthy of our love and respect and admiration as you recover.

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#392300 - 04/05/12 01:03 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: rook]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Hi Rook:

I am not presently in therapy and know that I need to be. My son and I are working on finding the right therapist. Don't want anyone who doesn't understand the issue. Hopefully, the right one will help me to help my son.

Don't know about incest per se--it is inconceivable to me and must be form of insanity--but I do know that any form of sexual abuse is horrible not just in the moment but because of how many people endure lifelong reprecussions. Now, I'd liek to get involved with sexual abuse prevention groups.

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#392310 - 04/05/12 01:29 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: traveler]
somaticfilter Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 14
Loc: New York
Dear lee,

I understand, and I'm doing my best to learn to adapt. I think if anything positive did come from this abuse, terrible as it was, it is in fact a deeper compassion for others and an innate understanding of their pain and trauma, whatever the cause. I have always done everything in my power to help those around me, to the exclusion of my own wants and needs. I think perhaps what I took away from your letter to yourself is the realization that I need to learn to have that same compassion and understanding for myself.

I was a victim, not a willing participant in my abuse although i did love and care very deeply for my abuser. I was a child who was manipulated by someone for their own sick gratification. I must admit even now to feeling a strange compassion for my abuser. What terrible trauma or perversion of the mind could lead to such terrible acts.

I hate him, but in a way he still has his claws into me. I can't seem to fully break free of the illusion that he's a human being with a soul and the ability to care and know love. his actions, however, seem to suggest that I'm wrong.

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#392321 - 04/05/12 03:09 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: somaticfilter]
rook Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 25

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#392350 - 04/05/12 07:58 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: rook]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Dear Rook:

Thanks so much for the link. People on this sigh are amazing--no sooner said than done.

Happy holiday to you and yours

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#392352 - 04/05/12 08:03 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: traveler]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
So your mom had a lot on her plate too. No excuse for not reaching out to support you FULLY. Still being a mom doesn't make us any better (or worse) than any other human being. I think most sexual abuse cases involve the three-way conspiracy you describe. And many also involve the fear of losing the "good life" whether that means fear of breaking up a family or fear of how a parent and child can survive on their own. They are understandable fears even if they should never ever take precedence over protection of innocent children. It's interesting how many people say they hid the truth for fear of hurting people they loved. Why aren't we convincing our kids that their health, safety, dignity come first and lose of them is what can truly destroy a parent.

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#392473 - 04/06/12 10:19 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
rook Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 25
Your letter to your son was very moving/special to me, TY.

The whole interaction, really, between you two here has been amazing.

I know my mom loves me, has a lot of grief/sadness/guilt and hope one day to be able to talk to her on that level.

I hope you both continue to work through the issues and find some peace together. It's not easy and there will be bumps, but you're both worth it and deserve it.

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#392773 - 04/08/12 06:38 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: rook]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Hi Rook:

Hope that this holiday season you were able to spend time with family and/or others who love and support you. My son and I have been through a lot together--sickness, divorce, financial problems--we keep on keeping on! I know that we have a HUGE amount of love for each other and that will help so much. If I can ever be of help to you or your mom in getting to a place where you can have an "amazing interaction," PLEASE do let me know. My life would be so so so much poorer if there were a wall or a space between my son and me.

And all of the people on this "board" deserve peace, happiness and security. A truly outstanding group of people.

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#392782 - 04/08/12 07:48 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hello. To the mother sherefe - I am not sure I can be of any help here but, wanted to say bravo to you for posting/asking if there are any mothers on here.

I am embarking on my own journey with my own mother and my journey with her has not been supportive so, I am not sure how else I can be supportive to you.

To the son - somaticfilter - I am happy for you to have a mother who is supportive of you and your process. As a survivor myself, it has been painful to NOT have my own mother support.

I hope and pray for you both to have "resolve" for each of own journeys with the happening in the past. I hope you can each move forward.

Peace,
Avery
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#392901 - 04/09/12 09:09 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: Avery46]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Hello Avery,

I am so sorry to hear that your mother has not been supportive. Upon first hearing my son tell me he had been abused as a child, I don't know that I was supportive. I think I may have had trouble absorbing the news. Don't know if that is your mother's problem, but I do hope that you and she can talk more and get past any obstructions to her support. Hopefully, even without her support, you know that you are a unique individual with many merits; don't let your having been a victim define who you are; don't let your mother define who you are either. Look for all that is good and right in you and be defined by those things. I know you'll find lots of support for that here. Feel free to talk to me anytime you'd like!

All the best

The best to you!

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#392917 - 04/09/12 11:01 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
I second Sherefe

I know some mothers are abusers themselves. I am referring to those who are not:

http://www.mosac.net/

“What mothers feel:

Initial Reactions in Mothers

The response of a mother to the disclosure that her child has been sexually abused is different for all mothers. The grief reaction of the mother varies depending on such factors as her relationship with the child, relationship with the perpetrator, available coping skills, level of belief in the disclosure, life stress, and anxiety level. Grief reactions, mourning process, and grief tasks are similar to that of the victim. Responses to the disclosure of sexual abuse include:

Shock. This is a normal human response to unexpected, painful events.

Denial. Denial is also a normal human response that occurs in the short-term following the shock of painful news. However, denial is not healthy if it cannot be overcome fairly quickly.

Acceptance of the reality of the abuse is the only way that the mother can provide support and protection to the child.

Anger. Anger is also a normal human response to shock, pain, and betrayal. However, if not managed, anger can become a destructive force that impedes healthy communication and processing and consumes the energy of the mother. It can either focus the mother on protective action or defocus her from the immediacy of her role. Anger management skills are crucial during recovery from the shock of discovering your child has been sexually abused.

Guilt. Guilt is also a normal maternal response to disclosure of sexual abuse.

Depression. Depression will occur if the pain, sadness, guilt, and other negative emotions are not addressed and managed. Depression is debilitating and will interfere in effective function as a mother.

Fear and anxiety. Fear is the normal response to threat. Anxiety is the normal response to the unknown. Mothers face a life-altering threat with no knowledge of the outcome.

Acceptance. Acceptance is the final stage of a grief process and, in effect, entails facing reality.

Confusion - Confusion is a response common to any event out of the ordinary. We try to make sense of it and have conflicting thoughts and feelings.

Mothers may also develop posttraumatic stress disorder, PTSD, and have anxiety and panic attacks associated to their child's abuse. “

I have been through most of these stages. I was depressed, I get depressed, I haven't gotten over anger. I have PTSD. I am still in shock after knowing for 10 months. But I keep my feelings at bay because I do not have time to waste, I have to fight with all my energy to minimize or undo what was done for my son.

Please be gentle to your mothers. You don't know what they are really going through. They'll probably take a long time to fully understand what happened and the consequences, on you and on her.
The forum with mothers of sexually abused children is full of severely traumatized mothers, taking medication, and going spiraling downhill trying to deal with the abuse. At the same time, they keep the appearance that everything is fine, so that their children do not get even more traumatized.

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#392926 - 04/10/12 12:24 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: pat8]
Human Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 61
Loc: private
Male CSA survivor here...I haven't posted my story, yet, but I'll get there.

This thread is a bit if a mine field for me, so far I've only scanned it. I think there are three incredible mom's here, sherefe, confusion4life and pat8 (if I missed any you're included too)!

I have to say I thought "Oh no, what if women show up here on MS?" Boy was I wrong, you're all 20's on a scale of 1 to 10!! smile

Thanks for posting and that includes chatting too.

pat8, the article & your post above^ has shed some light on how I can sort some of the crap out between me and my mom. So have the other mom's posts. I know you're all working hard to figure this mess out. I welcome more mom's here. I also especially encourage younger and/or motherless csa guys to reach out to the "mom's".

Thank You Mom's! smile

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#393205 - 04/12/12 03:38 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
pat8 Offline


Registered: 08/01/11
Posts: 18
Thanks, Human. Anything that we can do to help or reduce in any way the survivors' pain is so rewarding, as we feel that we are doing to our own kids who were abused.

To me all of you are like my own son -- my son would be here in 20 years if I had not known of his abuse early on.

I cried together with you, every story, all your pain. Knowing what you have been through teaches me how to help my 6yo son.

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#393736 - 04/17/12 09:06 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
Tiff Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 11
Hey,

My partner was abused by a teacher when he was a teenager - his parents were divorced and his mother has borne so many of the consequences. When 'the scandal' broke, she was given the option of moving towns with my partner (he was 16 then) and his younger sister, to avoid any further fuss.

I adore her and we get on so well but she's had such a hard life and is still on antidepressants (I think it's because she feel so gut-wrenchingly guilty about not sticking up for her son). Her son (my partner) has had ongoing instability in every part of his life: relationships, drugs, alcohol, mood swings...if it was my child, I'd probably need to medicate myself too, just to cope with the guilt.

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#396610 - 05/09/12 01:43 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
What a wonderful summary of a mother's reactions. And thank you for reminding our sons to be gentle with us. Unfortunately, I fit right into:

Depression. Depression will occur if the pain, sadness, guilt, and other negative emotions are not addressed and managed. Depression is debilitating and will interfere in effective function as a mother.

Fear and anxiety. Fear is the normal response to threat. Anxiety is the normal response to the unknown. Mothers face a life-altering threat with no knowledge of the outcome.

I am SO TERRIFIED ABOUT MY SON'S FUTURE and so incapable of knowing what to do that my depression (a condition I've suffered from previously) is increasing. AND of course that prevents me from being "effective" in any way and no doubt adds to my son's trauma. I have got to get into therapy but I havent' even been to this site in a long time; just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

May I ask how old your son is? Can you give me any concrete advice on what you are doing to help him heal? A couple of people have suggested doing activities that he liked before the abuse started. that's hard when he is locked in his room all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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#396612 - 05/09/12 01:47 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: Tiff]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
How awful that on top of everything else, they moved away from "home." My dream (in addition to seeing my son as "a fully functioning human being") is that parents will learn how to make it completely clear to their children what is meant by "inappropriate touching" and be able to convince the children that no matter who the person is or what the threats are/were the parents' love is UNCONDITIONAL and the child MUST COME FORWARD

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#416269 - 11/14/12 03:01 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: Human]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
I haven't been on the site in a very long time so just read your post about the moms that are here. Your words really touched me. They brought tears to my eyes--but crying comes really easy these days.

My son had been seeing a therapist but I didn't feel the therapist was helping although my son kept saying he was helping A LOT. Now, the therapist has moved to a location far away and my son DESPERATELY needs to be back in therapy.

My son is not a child--heading into his late 20s--and his life is slipping away. He dropped out of school, quit his job...If he isn't with his girlfriend, he's watching TV, playing video games or sleeping.

My sons says he's asked people here to recommend therapists but they were all in NYC. DOES ANYONE KNOW OF AN APPROPRIATE THERAPIST ON LONG ISLAND?

Thank you all so much for being here when I need to reach out.

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#416341 - 11/15/12 02:08 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: peroperic2009]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
When I first came online here, you wrote to me and here you are reaching out to me again! Your smiling faces and words are much appreciated--you might say your words are a light in the darkness that sometimes engulfs me. I will definitely post at the Male Survivors part of the board. Is it okay to mention the names of the therapists I've discovered to see if anyone knows anything about them?

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