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#391547 - 03/30/12 08:11 PM Any mothers of male survivors here?
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Having found out about a year ago that my now adult son had been the victim of sexual abuse by a much-trusted neighbor has really "rocked my world." My son has suffered so much in his life--so much angst and depression. And now it's really hard not to feel overwhelmingly guilty even though I logically know that feeling isn't justified. How could I have known? Maybe I could have; I sure feel I should have...Hope that there are other mothers out there who can help me work through this. My son deserves the very very best I can give him, the best I can be for him.

Wishing all of you hope and healing

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#391571 - 03/31/12 12:23 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6509
Loc: Terminus
I'm not a mother of a survivor, but I had one - the entire time I hid the abuse from her.

We DO hide things, and we hide things very very well. We become proficient in acting and protecting you from our truth. We feel you can't or ought-not deal with such ugliness and images of your darling son. As for fathers, we have so many other solid reasons to shield truths.

Just wondering, if you care to share - What is he getting for help right now?
_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

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#391579 - 03/31/12 02:13 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: Still]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
When I was 19 or 20 I tried to tell my mother about the abuse but her response was that she "couldn't hear it" due to her going thru her "own stuff" at the time. Later in my life she brought it up in the context of my drinking, which felt manipulative to me, as in she only raised it as a way of trying to get me to stop. Now years later I am newly sober and working on my recovery from SA in earnest yet we don't talk about it at all. I don't bring it up to her and she doesn't with me, which suits me just fine since given my past experience it feels like talking to her about what happened to me as a kid is only acceptable if it suits her agenda. Forgive me, I love my mother, and we get along otherwise, but I am not going to put myself in a position of being vulnerable with her about something so difficult and personal only to be rejected or feel used for some other agenda like I did in the past.

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#391582 - 03/31/12 02:49 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: jls]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear Sherefe,
indeed you couldn't know. I'm also neither mother but I've had one and also never told her. I was scared and didn't want to spoil picture of perfect family. Didn't want to ruin everything...
Please don't feel in that trap of self guilt. Many mothers need some support after they have found true about their children.
Here is some booklet for you that could be helpful, please read it; there was explained why was impossible for you as mother to know at the time that your child was abused:
http://www.mosac.org.uk/downloads/Reasons-impossible-for-Mother-to-know-CSA.pdf
Work on yourself in parallel with giving some support to your son!
Let us all know how your son is doing and how are you with all that mess!

Be Well!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#391603 - 03/31/12 08:15 AM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: peroperic2009]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Thank you for your response. I will definitely read the booklet. Yes, I also need to "work on myself"; guilt isn't easy to live with. In truth, the fear I have for my son's future is even more difficult to deal with. I hope you have gotten the support you need to live a rich, full life.

Thanks again,

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#391655 - 03/31/12 05:08 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: Still]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
My son--who is 26-- hid the abuse from me for about 20 years. It had started around the time he entered elementary school, and he didn't tell me until about a year ago. I think I was in shock and denial for part of that time. I just couldn't believe that the neighbor "boy" I had known from his birth could be such a..what word is okay or do I have to be politically correct when mentioning the abuser? To answer your question, my son has been in and out of therapy most of his life because of his lack of impulse control, anger, acting out in school to the detriment of academics. For while, therapists said it was ADD then childhood depression. It really makes me angry that non of the professionals ever approached the possibility of sexual abuse. For the past few months, he has been in therapy with an MSW who himself was a victim of child abuse. He is also a member of this forum and says he is beginning to feel encouraged.

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#391656 - 03/31/12 05:13 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: jls]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Dear Robbie:

I'm sorry that your telling your mom about the abuse didn't elicit more support. I read the pamphlet that was recommended by Pero in response to my first post. Apparently, shock and denial are common reactions. That doesn't clear your feeling of rejection, I know. As a mom. I guess I'm asking you to someday==maybe when you are truly recovered--accept your mom's failings as human--awfully human in the face of awful circumstances if that makes sense. So many men on this board who have faced what I consider unspeakable cruelty and have found the courage to deal with it. Hopefully moms can find that courage too

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#391659 - 03/31/12 06:03 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear Sherefe,
I'm glad to hear that your son is finally getting some good support. I'm also happy to hear that he is part off this forum, I'm sure that he will be alright.
I can't speak in names of others survivors but let me tel you that moms didn't failed as humans (neither you did), being mom is long-life role and there is no such thing as failure as long as you are taking care for your child. And from your comments is oblivious that you are caring mom, just proceed like that further and forget about taking some guilt...
I do hope that some mothers would approach you and share some experience, that could be very helpfull for you...
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My story

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#391670 - 03/31/12 07:48 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: peroperic2009]
sherefe Offline


Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 24
Thank you, Peroperic. You are wise to know that being a mother doesn't stop just because a child becomes an adult. And if it is true that I really couldn't have known, then maybe I'm not a failure as a human. But I'm not giving myself an "A" for effort, I can assure you!

I found the link your provided very helpful. Once of the things that had troubled me was my reaction when my son first told me. I wasn't angry at the "perpetrator." It didn't seem that a lifelong fondness for a child I had watched grow up could instantly turn to anger. And then I was very angry at myself for my lack of feeling. The link you sent pointed out that shock and denial are often mothers' first reactions. I think there may be some "dissociation" involved, too. It's different today; I'd like to wring the young man's neck.

Since it doesn't look as if there are mothers on this forum to help me work through this, may I ask male survivors for some help? I'd like to know if men who experienced repeated sexual abuse from childhood to adolescence typically experience debilitating depression--depression that sends them to bed for weeks, that prevents them from finishing school or holding jobs for a long time? And if that does happen, do those men manage to recover? Finally, what are your suggestions for how I can best help my son to heal?

Thank you for being my "support group" although it is I who should be offering an abundance of support to all of you.

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#391674 - 03/31/12 08:09 PM Re: Any mothers of male survivors here? [Re: sherefe]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3610
Loc: South-East Europe
I wish to help if I can, you would do the same I'm sure smile !
Please be free to post same this thread at Male Survivors part of board, I'm sure that survivors would help you with all this issue.
Recovery is absolutely possible, sometimes some scars are left but we are capable of having completely normal lives, off course that huge work is needed to accomplish that... Good thing that your son is relatively young man, many survivors started recovery after some years; in 30s or 40s or even later, there are many examples here about that fact.
And unfortunately answer on your question is yes.
Men who experienced sexual abuse in childhood typically experience depression, PTSD or some other trait that prevented them from finishing school or holding jobs etc. There could be a lot problems including alcohol overuse, drugs, gambling, addiction, porn or sex addiction etc. Survivors are much more prone to those kind of problematic behavior than "regular" men...
But please don't be scared because of that fact, we need you grounded at every cost smile!
I'll need to think more about some things that could help you about that, I'll comment it later!
One more suggestion, there is wonderful guy here who already helped some wives, mothers and families, I'll send you PM with his contact and you can ask him for some advice too!
Be Well!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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