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#391519 - 03/30/12 12:19 PM ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3303
Loc: back in the USA
Has anyone ever threatened you with castration? How do you think that has affected you?

One of the first memories I have of the step-father after he married my mom was when he threatened to cut off my penis and testicles.

They were married in November and this memory must have been in about May. I think it was right after motherís day because he had bought her a new washer and dryer. My little brother and I were playing in one of the huge boxes in the back yard.We were so small that we both fit inside. I was 6 and he was 3. There were some quarter-sized holes in the side of the box and little bro was sitting cross-legged on the floor. The sun was shining through the holes and a small spot of light was right on the crotch of his shorts. For some reason I made a connection between the hole in the wall of the box and "that" part of the male anatomy. I dared him to stick his penis through the hole in the box. What would have possessed a barely 6-year-old to even think of such a thing? Could something have already happened that made me think in that way? could the step-father have already done something to me by that time? I donít know. i don't remember anything.

Suddenly I was ripped out of the box by my arm. Step-father was yelling at me and thrashing my butt with whatever was in his hand while I dangled from his other hand. He was raving and red-faced and my arm hurt and I was too scared to even cry. Then he stood me up and started telling me a story through his clenched jaws.

A boy was playing outside and needed to take a pee. He unzipped and pulled his thing out and started going. A man who was trimming bushes nearby came over and chopped off everything he had with a pair of hedge clippers.

Then I saw that step-father had a huge pair of hedge clippers in his hand. An open pair of steel blades at least a foot long and handles that looked to me like baseball bats. i made the connection - he was that man and i was that boy. And he was letting me know in no uncertain terms that if I ever let my private parts be seen again that he would do just what he had described. The message I got was that my sexual parts were bad and shameful and needed to be denied and literally separated from me in order for me to be acceptable.

I know I thought about this story and the implied threat for a long time and worried about it and wondered what made that part so bad. I donít remember even having thought about or paying much attention to that part of myself before. It was just there Ė like my fingers and toes Ė but less useful than my fingers. So I guess that was the beginning of my life-long interest in and attachment to my penis (and a determination to keep it attached!) It was still physically attached - but mentally and emotionally...?

can anyone relate?
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#391520 - 03/30/12 12:28 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1279
Loc: kansas
lee,

i've never been threatened with castration.....

*sighs*.. and this is a difficult topic for me but i'm going to share....

i actually thought about getting myself medically castrated on several occassions...

i have a really self loathing of myself, body image type of thing.... i felt like i'm just dirty and filthy and a perv... like all males, i get urges and for a long time i took care of them by mb'ing... i would then end up feeling so shamed and guilt ridden that i did such a filthy, dirty, perverted thing that the only solution i knew of was to have myself castrated so that i wouldn't have to worry about it anymore....

*feel like puking*......

all because of the lies that were dumped on me....
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live another day. climb a little higher.

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#391522 - 03/30/12 12:38 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Obi]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I am sorry Obi.

Lee, I wish I could help, but never been threatened with that.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391523 - 03/30/12 12:43 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Obi]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3303
Loc: back in the USA
sorry, obi...

*** i have a really self loathing of myself, body image type of thing.... i felt like i'm just dirty and filthy and a perv.. ***

so i guess you get the after-effects part of my struggle - if not the original cause...

*** all because of the lies that were dumped on me....***

yeah - my T says that's the hardest thing to do - recognize the lies and counteract them.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#391525 - 03/30/12 12:58 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1279
Loc: kansas
yeah, i understand....

that's why i felt compelled to reply....

i can recognize the lies... the hard part for me is to try and correct it... to get it set in my mind that the lies that are in my head need to go and be replaced with the truth.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#391531 - 03/30/12 02:58 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Obi]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
hey Lee we will have to find some exercises how to be attached more with those parts, maybe some self-compassion exercises like somebody already posted wink! Just kidding with you.
That is horrible way to make child scary. I'll never understand such people, talking such horrified stories to kids- just lunatic are capable of that...
Such treatment of kids could be very traumatic bringing some nightmares out of blue.
Please give hug and love to yourself and if its needed to those parts as well smile!!!!
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#391549 - 03/30/12 08:47 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: peroperic2009]
Edward Wong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 40
My perp once threatened me with castration when I threatened to tell on him. He scared my so much I never told anyone as a child.

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#391552 - 03/30/12 10:00 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Edward Wong]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
Never was threatened Either, but have researched every way of doing it myself. Came to the conclusion that there was no benefit and only negatives to doing so. Its a self hats issue for sure. I can't imagine being a kid and being threatened in that way.

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#391578 - 03/31/12 01:50 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: JustScott]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
TRIGGERING

i was.. it's hard to talk about it. my dad never did such a thing but when he was traveling or out of the house for days a close friend of him came over. he used to say things like he would like to chop my thing off and keep it in his pocket . he liked to play with a knife he sometimes did small cuts in my parts.. i had nightmares about the mental image of being chopped off and him walking around with my pennis in his pocket. i even remember a recurrent nightmare where my dad discovered the pennis in his pocket and i was terrified of him knowing.. i kept saying "it wasn't my fault" .. another nightmare , my dad came down to me, made me do some stuff to him and i wanted to keep on that to prevent him from looking at my parts but he forced me taking my pants off just to discover my parts were missing and i was terrified of him noticing again.. although i dont remember if this last nightmare happened before or after his friend started saying those things.

i dont have that kind of nightmares anymore -than i can remember- but i have fantasized about castration.. on me .. and on my dad..
i find it arousing too.. small cuts there.

i rlly wish i had no sexual parts..

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#391580 - 03/31/12 02:21 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear Daniel,
that was terrible experience. Thank God you don't have such nightmares anymore!
Arousal on cuts thoughts there is clear evidence of your abuse frown. Your dad's friend is lunatic and monster that should be intensively treated in some closed ward for the rest of his life....

I hope you are trying hard to love your sexual parts (and all other parts too smile ) and learn how to be OK with it...
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