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#391519 - 03/30/12 12:19 PM ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Has anyone ever threatened you with castration? How do you think that has affected you?

One of the first memories I have of the step-father after he married my mom was when he threatened to cut off my penis and testicles.

They were married in November and this memory must have been in about May. I think it was right after mother’s day because he had bought her a new washer and dryer. My little brother and I were playing in one of the huge boxes in the back yard.We were so small that we both fit inside. I was 6 and he was 3. There were some quarter-sized holes in the side of the box and little bro was sitting cross-legged on the floor. The sun was shining through the holes and a small spot of light was right on the crotch of his shorts. For some reason I made a connection between the hole in the wall of the box and "that" part of the male anatomy. I dared him to stick his penis through the hole in the box. What would have possessed a barely 6-year-old to even think of such a thing? Could something have already happened that made me think in that way? could the step-father have already done something to me by that time? I don’t know. i don't remember anything.

Suddenly I was ripped out of the box by my arm. Step-father was yelling at me and thrashing my butt with whatever was in his hand while I dangled from his other hand. He was raving and red-faced and my arm hurt and I was too scared to even cry. Then he stood me up and started telling me a story through his clenched jaws.

A boy was playing outside and needed to take a pee. He unzipped and pulled his thing out and started going. A man who was trimming bushes nearby came over and chopped off everything he had with a pair of hedge clippers.

Then I saw that step-father had a huge pair of hedge clippers in his hand. An open pair of steel blades at least a foot long and handles that looked to me like baseball bats. i made the connection - he was that man and i was that boy. And he was letting me know in no uncertain terms that if I ever let my private parts be seen again that he would do just what he had described. The message I got was that my sexual parts were bad and shameful and needed to be denied and literally separated from me in order for me to be acceptable.

I know I thought about this story and the implied threat for a long time and worried about it and wondered what made that part so bad. I don’t remember even having thought about or paying much attention to that part of myself before. It was just there – like my fingers and toes – but less useful than my fingers. So I guess that was the beginning of my life-long interest in and attachment to my penis (and a determination to keep it attached!) It was still physically attached - but mentally and emotionally...?

can anyone relate?
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#391520 - 03/30/12 12:28 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1290
Loc: kansas
lee,

i've never been threatened with castration.....

*sighs*.. and this is a difficult topic for me but i'm going to share....

i actually thought about getting myself medically castrated on several occassions...

i have a really self loathing of myself, body image type of thing.... i felt like i'm just dirty and filthy and a perv... like all males, i get urges and for a long time i took care of them by mb'ing... i would then end up feeling so shamed and guilt ridden that i did such a filthy, dirty, perverted thing that the only solution i knew of was to have myself castrated so that i wouldn't have to worry about it anymore....

*feel like puking*......

all because of the lies that were dumped on me....
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#391522 - 03/30/12 12:38 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Obi]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I am sorry Obi.

Lee, I wish I could help, but never been threatened with that.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391523 - 03/30/12 12:43 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Obi]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
sorry, obi...

*** i have a really self loathing of myself, body image type of thing.... i felt like i'm just dirty and filthy and a perv.. ***

so i guess you get the after-effects part of my struggle - if not the original cause...

*** all because of the lies that were dumped on me....***

yeah - my T says that's the hardest thing to do - recognize the lies and counteract them.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#391525 - 03/30/12 12:58 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1290
Loc: kansas
yeah, i understand....

that's why i felt compelled to reply....

i can recognize the lies... the hard part for me is to try and correct it... to get it set in my mind that the lies that are in my head need to go and be replaced with the truth.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#391531 - 03/30/12 02:58 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Obi]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
hey Lee we will have to find some exercises how to be attached more with those parts, maybe some self-compassion exercises like somebody already posted wink! Just kidding with you.
That is horrible way to make child scary. I'll never understand such people, talking such horrified stories to kids- just lunatic are capable of that...
Such treatment of kids could be very traumatic bringing some nightmares out of blue.
Please give hug and love to yourself and if its needed to those parts as well smile!!!!
_________________________
My story

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#391549 - 03/30/12 08:47 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: peroperic2009]
Edward Wong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 40
My perp once threatened me with castration when I threatened to tell on him. He scared my so much I never told anyone as a child.

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#391552 - 03/30/12 10:00 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Edward Wong]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
Never was threatened Either, but have researched every way of doing it myself. Came to the conclusion that there was no benefit and only negatives to doing so. Its a self hats issue for sure. I can't imagine being a kid and being threatened in that way.

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#391578 - 03/31/12 01:50 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: JustScott]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
TRIGGERING

i was.. it's hard to talk about it. my dad never did such a thing but when he was traveling or out of the house for days a close friend of him came over. he used to say things like he would like to chop my thing off and keep it in his pocket . he liked to play with a knife he sometimes did small cuts in my parts.. i had nightmares about the mental image of being chopped off and him walking around with my pennis in his pocket. i even remember a recurrent nightmare where my dad discovered the pennis in his pocket and i was terrified of him knowing.. i kept saying "it wasn't my fault" .. another nightmare , my dad came down to me, made me do some stuff to him and i wanted to keep on that to prevent him from looking at my parts but he forced me taking my pants off just to discover my parts were missing and i was terrified of him noticing again.. although i dont remember if this last nightmare happened before or after his friend started saying those things.

i dont have that kind of nightmares anymore -than i can remember- but i have fantasized about castration.. on me .. and on my dad..
i find it arousing too.. small cuts there.

i rlly wish i had no sexual parts..

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#391580 - 03/31/12 02:21 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear Daniel,
that was terrible experience. Thank God you don't have such nightmares anymore!
Arousal on cuts thoughts there is clear evidence of your abuse frown. Your dad's friend is lunatic and monster that should be intensively treated in some closed ward for the rest of his life....

I hope you are trying hard to love your sexual parts (and all other parts too smile ) and learn how to be OK with it...
_________________________
My story

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#391583 - 03/31/12 02:52 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
Can Anyone Relate...???


After the roles were reversed...(he effectively shocked me, by initially sneaking into my room, but also wanted to show me how good it felt).

he would tease me (in order to turn me on) and then deny me (in order to turn me on and then frustrate me).

This for me, effectively was, a form of psychological castration...an avenue for him to control and prolong sexual activity, with a whole bunch of emasculation, humiliation and ultimately feminization mixed in...

He never said one word in the first five years. Is it any wonder I felt like a girl trapped in a boys body...???

Took me decades to dissect and make sense out of this connection.


The Child is Gone (Fiona Apple)

island
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#391588 - 03/31/12 04:03 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: peroperic2009]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Daniel - thanks for sharing
Edward - thank you, too
Obi - you too
And Pero & Scott
islandboy - i've had that too - the unfinished climax - another story

i just read all these responses. I deeply appreciate your replies becausse i know how difficult is is for me to talk about it. but it truly helps to know i'm not the only one with similar issue. though i was in NO WAY TO BLAME - i still feel shame and extreme anxiety in revealing & discussing it. and you've all said similar things. and the idea of arousal by the memory is also so hard to admit.

i also read my original post again - and noticed something really strange - well... that's relative! the whole thing was weird. Even stranger , i mean. i wrote "if I ever let my private parts be seen again" - and i didn't even do that during this event - and neither did my little brother. it was only the dare. and then all hell broke loose. but i have a vivid mental picture of a small naked boy's body - hairless but erect - linked with this other memory of the box and clippers - so where did that come from? was it me or some other boy? and when was it - before or after - and what is the connection? wondering if another moster is about to come out of the closet.

one thing jsut leads to another...
and i haven't even posted "the rest of the story" yet!
lee


Edited by traveler (03/31/12 04:08 AM)
Edit Reason: added details
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#391590 - 03/31/12 04:29 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hi Lee. I read this post earlier today and I wanted to reply then but I didn't. You talk about castration and it brought up a memory of my great-great grandfather and myself when I was about 5 or 6. I remember he would scare me by saying to me "I'll cut your little thing off!" I remember being in his house sitting on the floor playing with something or watching tv while he sat in his green chair near the door and all the other adults sat around on the couches talking. I don't know why he said it all I know is that it used to scare the shit out of me and I'd stare up at him in terror while he held his fingers like scissors and reached towards me. What's so strange is that it was around this time that my abuse happened (he was not my abuser) and this memory is the only memory that I have of my great-great grandfather.

I have this image of myself standing in front of him holding my shirt up under my chin and my pants and white briefs around my ankles. He's kneeled down in front of me with my penis in one hand and a pair of silver scissors in his other hand. He puts my penis between the blades and that's where the image fades away. I don't believe that ever happened but that's what would go through my mind when he'd say that stuff to me. I'd imagine him actually doing it to me. He died in 1996 when I was about 6-years-old and that's the only memory I have of him.

I'm sure it didn't mean anything to him, just a senile old man trying (and succeeding) to scare a little boy. And I don't know if this makes any sense to you but I just thought I'd share.
_________________________
Yet another 24 hours.

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#391592 - 03/31/12 04:49 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Clockwise]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Put those monsters aside Lee, there are none left smile!
Only what could come out is little scared boy.
I have many memories playing on "wrong" way. That is completely understandable for kids to do or let me say for smart and curious kids to do. It is not understandable for adults not knowing to learn children beside giving them some nightmares and scares...
Even you potentially did some nasty things as kid, you were completely normal and ordinary child, try to accept it...
_________________________
My story

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#391597 - 03/31/12 05:33 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: peroperic2009]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Wow, clockwise - that's the kind of thing i'm talking about! yeah, it makes TOTAL sense.

if you don't mind me asking - how do you think that event affected your view of life, yourself and sex? was it an influence on you beyond the terror at the time it happened?

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#391615 - 03/31/12 10:21 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Part 2 of this theme in my story:

Fast-forward to my late 30s. I am married and we have 3 kids. The last one was a surprise but very wanted. But we have also had 3 miscarriages. We don’t think we can take risking another. We decide I should have a vasectomy. I think I am ok with that. Theoretically I am convinced it is a good decision.

I had to shave myself from navel to anus in advance. that was scary - given my history, i do not like to have razors or any other kinds of cutting instrument in that area. My hands shook as i did it, but i got through it. and it was so weird, seeing myself smooth like that. felt like a little kid again - very disorienting and not pleasant.

Then I go into the clinic and have to strip for the doc. It starts to get bad. And he starts to handle my penis and testicles and I am trying very hard not to lose it, trying to keep it together, trying not to lose control, trying to think of other things. Was this what it was like for me when i was a kid?

I know he has a set of sharp steel blades at hand. Inside I am screaming and running but outside I am cool and just trembling a little. I lie down on the table and I start to freak. I am babbling and confessing my CSA status and apologizing and begging and the anesthesiologist puts me out…

…and when i wake up it is all over. But the pain-killer wears off. it hurts with a deep throbbing pain and I am swollen and bruised and bloody and feel violated.

How could I have been so stupid as to put myself through that? How could I have thought that it wouldn’t affect me? Why didn’t the doctor even ask if I had any history that would cause triggers? I was so totally out-of-touch with my emotions and so in denial that I didn’t even feel the level of fear in advance that was anywhere close to the reality when the time came to go under the knife. It was almost as though I had collaborated with the step-father in doing what he threatened.

Of course I recovered physically and was back to my version of “normal” but without any sperm count. But the emotional scars lingered for some time…

but wait, that's not all...
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#391742 - 04/01/12 03:49 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
The even with my great grandfather sticks out only because it's the only thing I remember about him. I have no memory of how he interacted with other family members or if he was a mean person in general (I've never heard anything really bad about him though). I don't think it effects me on the level that the abuse I suffered has effected me over the years. I know that my great grandfather isn't going to cut my penis off and I now see the event as nothing more than an old man being mean. I don't know if that even or the abuse happened first and that's something I think about sometimes. It just seems like a lot for a 5 or 6-year-old to have to go throughout all around the same time.

Hope this helps.

-Terrick
_________________________
Yet another 24 hours.

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#391891 - 04/02/12 09:50 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: peroperic2009]
4040 Offline


Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 1
Hi all,


I've never been threatened with castration. However, I hate to be uncircumcised and therefore I decided to get surgery and I did it, now, I am circumcised; it was the best decision I ever made. I also understood why I hate to be uncircumcised simply because all the men that abused me were uncircumcised.

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#392164 - 04/04/12 10:24 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: 4040]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Part 3

Another thematically connected episode… I am in the yard of our house trimming shrubs with electric hedge clippers. RED FLAGS! – but these are electric ones that have two saw-tooth blades with big teeth that slide back and forth on top of each other, chewing through the branches – not the big double scissor-like ones of my memory/story. No problem – right? – WRONG!

There are dozens of these yews that have to be cut back and shaped twice a year. My arms are tired and I rest them by bracing the butt end of the handle of the electric clippers against my hip or upper thigh. The vibrations start to get me turned on. I flash back to my childhood and step-father’s story. He is dead now and I no longer have to fear him. He can’t hurt me. I turn the situation around in my mind and think – “See there – not only did you not cut me off with clippers, but I am f***ing the clippers. I ‘ll show you! I win!” I have a full-on erection by now and am sort of lost in a daze, letting the vibrations float me away….

ZAP! The clippers hit a tough branch or are in danger of cutting the cord or something – that causes me to jerk them up and put out my hand to grab something. I am jolted back into the present by the blades sawing through my work glove and finger. Intense sharp pain. Blood. Staggering to the house. Cloths and ice and elevating the hand. Rushing to the emergency room. Stitches and dull throbbing pain. Thinking – a finger could be a phallic symbol. He didn’t manage to cut the part off that he threatened but this was sort of symbolic in a creepy way. like he was trying to get the last blow in.

For all the use and satisfaction I have gotten out of it, for all the grief it has given me through the use and abuse by him and others, he may as well have cut it off way back then. I’ve still got it but sometimes I don’t feel like I’m all there in other ways - definitely not emotionally - and unable to function "normally" without all kinds of crazy thoughts and feelings... maybe he won after all.

end of story
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#403404 - 07/12/12 01:45 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 07:14 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#403416 - 07/12/12 03:16 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I am terribly sorry to all here who identify with this frown there isn't much else you could do to a boy or man that would be worse.

The man who raped me didn't specifically castrate me, but he did certain things to my private parts to have the same effect. I was in so much pain I couldn't think straight for a very long time and i am not sure what was worse... the pain or the embarrassment. I had to have reconstructive surgery to fix what he did


_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#403476 - 07/13/12 05:22 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
bodyguard...

i wish so too - for both you and me. and i wish you didn't identify with this thread.

so strange - to read this thread again - stuff i don't even remember writing...

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#403477 - 07/13/12 05:25 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Crux - so sorry for what happened to you. there are wounds that go deeper and last longer than the physical.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#403500 - 07/13/12 12:12 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Wow, Daniel. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. That's terrible.

I've hated but been aroused by shit as long as I can remember. I've felt dirty and bad and sometimes just hated my dick and balls and wanted them cut off. [Watch out! I'm going to say something that's heavy with fucked up triggers!] I'm not sure what all happened to me when I was a kid, but--although I've never done it--I've actually been excited by the idea of putting a firecracker in a cat's butt and blowing it up! I'm so humiliated to think that! Holy shit! That's so disgusting! I can barely keep writing instead of going back and deleting that! I also used to m'b on my cat's face! I know how sick that is! I hate these things that I've done and wanted to do. I even spied on young girls and moms and m'b, only three or four times, because it scared me so much that I would become an offender and hurt somebody! I've never admitted to those things before. God help me! I need someone to tell me that it's going to be OK. Holy shit. What the fuck am I doing writing on this forum?

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#403502 - 07/13/12 12:16 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
OK. I can't believe I just posted that.

OK. I feel a little better. I can breathe now. Holy crap.

Guys, this is becoming a tough day. I'm going to be OK. Please don't worry about me. But, friends, I would appreciate a little love.

And Daniel, I apologize. I meant to start offering you help and positivity instead of dumping like that!

Dude. You're going to come through this terrible shit storm. Life does get better. We need to own and acknowledge all of ourselves, everything. We may not need to forgive those who have hurt us, but we must forgive ourselves. And we must love every single inch of ourselves, even those things we associate with shame and ugliness. That's our only chance at peace and a decent future.

Good luck, brothers. Please send me some positive words. I need it now.

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#403506 - 07/13/12 12:31 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Robert,
you were very brave admitting those things. We all did some terrible wrong things, please don't feel isolated because of that, you are not alone. For example I have had sex with my twin bro at very early age and lived secret life for some time, I'm shame on myself because of that but I can't deny it, I have to accept it, that is my past.
I found that is much better to accept it instead keep it locked inside. Secrecy gives additional power to some our negative habits and you did great by writing this out!
Everything will be OK smile
I'm sending you HUGE hug
((((Robert))))
_________________________
My story

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#403512 - 07/13/12 01:26 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Thank you, Pero. Thank you. I'm easing off a bit. These secrets and guilty feelings have tremendous power. I'm going to log off a bit, I think. I need to find a peaceful place to sit and draw or something. Thank you.

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#403515 - 07/13/12 02:20 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi traveller,

Thankfully I can't relate to physicial threats to my penis but I do believe though that psychological harm about a mans penis size can be just as bad, if not worse. The damage for me was a fear of male doctors making comments about my penis during testicular exams and testing for hernias. Female doctors though don't bother me at all.

To me, the fact that these exams have male doctors doing examinations in the areas we were abused in causes me more fear of being abused, especially when one it felt like one was trying to masturbate me.
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#405058 - 07/27/12 11:53 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Ninja_Turtle Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/12
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
My memories of direct abuse are still largely repressed or dissociated, and so I don't know what its direct origin is, but one thing that has bothered me for a long time is that I have a very strong castration fear.

For example, if I don't need to use them I keep the sharp knives in the kitchen out of sight where I can't see them. My wife will often leave them on a counter or in the sink and I compulsively put them in the drawers. I also can't use sharp knives while wearing pajamas or any kind of soft pants without feeling nauseated. There are a lot of other little things like that that will make me nauseous.

I remember once as a child my mother was using a sharp knife on an arts and crafts project while I was sitting nearby, and it disturbed me so much that I told her the knife was upsetting me (normally I would never say anything to her about my feelings) and then she actually threw it away and was very understanding (which was bizarre because she is abusive and almost never understanding). At the time I didn't understand why it upset me so badly.

When I was a little kid at one point I had to have surgery on my penis because supposedly I had some sort of "urethral cysts" that were causing me to piss blood. I had never heard of anything like that again until recently. There is a woman I see sometimes who is very clearly abusive and whose simple presence in the same room with me will give me a migraine (she just _feels_ like my mother). She has two sons who she is nasty and contemptuous to and recently the four-year-old eldest son developed a very similar problem that required a very similar surgery. Just thinking about the parallel gives me a feeling of vertigo.

I have what appears to be some sort of internal scar tissue in my equipment just under the skin. I used to freak out with crippling intensity that I would one day become impotent or something like that, but that has passed as I dealt with the general emotional issues and as I have realized that the scarring seems to cause no problems.

I used to think that I had caused the scarring through masturbation and loathed myself for it, but now I of course suspect its roots may have been in some terrifying form of abuse. It just seemed to appear one day when I was an adolescent, but maybe I had just dissociated knowing it was there earlier or I don't know what. Who knows; I get tired of trying to figure all of these things out when my memory is a giant blank.

So, though I don't remember direct threats or harm, I sympathize greatly with all here who suffer through similar things. I once was in South Africa and heard a man speak who had been tortured in his genitals by the police under Apartheid, and, although it would of course be very upsetting to anyone, I swear it took months to feel physically normal again after hearing his story I found it so sickening.


Edited by Ninja_Turtle (07/28/12 01:19 AM)
Edit Reason: minor style changes + typical abuse survivor perfectionism

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#405060 - 07/28/12 12:04 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Sorry, Turtle!

sounds like you have a pretty sound reason for your fear, whether you remember it all or not. don't know which is worse - wondering or knowing...

thanks for speaking up.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#464141 - 04/16/14 12:14 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
randy2000 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/11
Posts: 5
Loc: New York, USA
It was the night before my hernia operation. I was a senior in high school. My abuser continued to control me. I overheard my dad telling my mom that if the doctor wasn't careful, I would be castrated. When I heard that, it excited me. I don't know why but my abuser had made me feel like I didn't deserve to be a man. I was shaved for the operation and my penis looked even smaller than usual. I don't know why I told my perp about my thoughts of castration. He actually threatened to cut off my testicles with a knife.

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#464152 - 04/16/14 11:32 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
how are you doing now, Randy?

i started this thread over 2 years ago and it is so strange to see it come up again. i have definitely progressed a lot since i first wrote about it. i hope you are better now, too? if it is still an issue for you, don't hesitate to keep working at it. it can get better.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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