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#403416 - 07/12/12 03:16 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I am terribly sorry to all here who identify with this frown there isn't much else you could do to a boy or man that would be worse.

The man who raped me didn't specifically castrate me, but he did certain things to my private parts to have the same effect. I was in so much pain I couldn't think straight for a very long time and i am not sure what was worse... the pain or the embarrassment. I had to have reconstructive surgery to fix what he did


_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#403476 - 07/13/12 05:22 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3298
Loc: back in the USA
bodyguard...

i wish so too - for both you and me. and i wish you didn't identify with this thread.

so strange - to read this thread again - stuff i don't even remember writing...

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#403477 - 07/13/12 05:25 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3298
Loc: back in the USA
Crux - so sorry for what happened to you. there are wounds that go deeper and last longer than the physical.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#403500 - 07/13/12 12:12 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Wow, Daniel. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. That's terrible.

I've hated but been aroused by shit as long as I can remember. I've felt dirty and bad and sometimes just hated my dick and balls and wanted them cut off. [Watch out! I'm going to say something that's heavy with fucked up triggers!] I'm not sure what all happened to me when I was a kid, but--although I've never done it--I've actually been excited by the idea of putting a firecracker in a cat's butt and blowing it up! I'm so humiliated to think that! Holy shit! That's so disgusting! I can barely keep writing instead of going back and deleting that! I also used to m'b on my cat's face! I know how sick that is! I hate these things that I've done and wanted to do. I even spied on young girls and moms and m'b, only three or four times, because it scared me so much that I would become an offender and hurt somebody! I've never admitted to those things before. God help me! I need someone to tell me that it's going to be OK. Holy shit. What the fuck am I doing writing on this forum?

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#403502 - 07/13/12 12:16 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
OK. I can't believe I just posted that.

OK. I feel a little better. I can breathe now. Holy crap.

Guys, this is becoming a tough day. I'm going to be OK. Please don't worry about me. But, friends, I would appreciate a little love.

And Daniel, I apologize. I meant to start offering you help and positivity instead of dumping like that!

Dude. You're going to come through this terrible shit storm. Life does get better. We need to own and acknowledge all of ourselves, everything. We may not need to forgive those who have hurt us, but we must forgive ourselves. And we must love every single inch of ourselves, even those things we associate with shame and ugliness. That's our only chance at peace and a decent future.

Good luck, brothers. Please send me some positive words. I need it now.

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#403506 - 07/13/12 12:31 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Robert,
you were very brave admitting those things. We all did some terrible wrong things, please don't feel isolated because of that, you are not alone. For example I have had sex with my twin bro at very early age and lived secret life for some time, I'm shame on myself because of that but I can't deny it, I have to accept it, that is my past.
I found that is much better to accept it instead keep it locked inside. Secrecy gives additional power to some our negative habits and you did great by writing this out!
Everything will be OK smile
I'm sending you HUGE hug
((((Robert))))
_________________________
My story

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#403512 - 07/13/12 01:26 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Thank you, Pero. Thank you. I'm easing off a bit. These secrets and guilty feelings have tremendous power. I'm going to log off a bit, I think. I need to find a peaceful place to sit and draw or something. Thank you.

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#403515 - 07/13/12 02:20 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 307
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi traveller,

Thankfully I can't relate to physicial threats to my penis but I do believe though that psychological harm about a mans penis size can be just as bad, if not worse. The damage for me was a fear of male doctors making comments about my penis during testicular exams and testing for hernias. Female doctors though don't bother me at all.

To me, the fact that these exams have male doctors doing examinations in the areas we were abused in causes me more fear of being abused, especially when one it felt like one was trying to masturbate me.
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#405058 - 07/27/12 11:53 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Ninja_Turtle Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/12
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
My memories of direct abuse are still largely repressed or dissociated, and so I don't know what its direct origin is, but one thing that has bothered me for a long time is that I have a very strong castration fear.

For example, if I don't need to use them I keep the sharp knives in the kitchen out of sight where I can't see them. My wife will often leave them on a counter or in the sink and I compulsively put them in the drawers. I also can't use sharp knives while wearing pajamas or any kind of soft pants without feeling nauseated. There are a lot of other little things like that that will make me nauseous.

I remember once as a child my mother was using a sharp knife on an arts and crafts project while I was sitting nearby, and it disturbed me so much that I told her the knife was upsetting me (normally I would never say anything to her about my feelings) and then she actually threw it away and was very understanding (which was bizarre because she is abusive and almost never understanding). At the time I didn't understand why it upset me so badly.

When I was a little kid at one point I had to have surgery on my penis because supposedly I had some sort of "urethral cysts" that were causing me to piss blood. I had never heard of anything like that again until recently. There is a woman I see sometimes who is very clearly abusive and whose simple presence in the same room with me will give me a migraine (she just _feels_ like my mother). She has two sons who she is nasty and contemptuous to and recently the four-year-old eldest son developed a very similar problem that required a very similar surgery. Just thinking about the parallel gives me a feeling of vertigo.

I have what appears to be some sort of internal scar tissue in my equipment just under the skin. I used to freak out with crippling intensity that I would one day become impotent or something like that, but that has passed as I dealt with the general emotional issues and as I have realized that the scarring seems to cause no problems.

I used to think that I had caused the scarring through masturbation and loathed myself for it, but now I of course suspect its roots may have been in some terrifying form of abuse. It just seemed to appear one day when I was an adolescent, but maybe I had just dissociated knowing it was there earlier or I don't know what. Who knows; I get tired of trying to figure all of these things out when my memory is a giant blank.

So, though I don't remember direct threats or harm, I sympathize greatly with all here who suffer through similar things. I once was in South Africa and heard a man speak who had been tortured in his genitals by the police under Apartheid, and, although it would of course be very upsetting to anyone, I swear it took months to feel physically normal again after hearing his story I found it so sickening.


Edited by Ninja_Turtle (07/28/12 01:19 AM)
Edit Reason: minor style changes + typical abuse survivor perfectionism

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#405060 - 07/28/12 12:04 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3298
Loc: back in the USA
Sorry, Turtle!

sounds like you have a pretty sound reason for your fear, whether you remember it all or not. don't know which is worse - wondering or knowing...

thanks for speaking up.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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