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#391583 - 03/31/12 02:52 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Can Anyone Relate...???


After the roles were reversed...(he effectively shocked me, by initially sneaking into my room, but also wanted to show me how good it felt).

he would tease me (in order to turn me on) and then deny me (in order to turn me on and then frustrate me).

This for me, effectively was, a form of psychological castration...an avenue for him to control and prolong sexual activity, with a whole bunch of emasculation, humiliation and ultimately feminization mixed in...

He never said one word in the first five years. Is it any wonder I felt like a girl trapped in a boys body...???

Took me decades to dissect and make sense out of this connection.


The Child is Gone (Fiona Apple)

island
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#391588 - 03/31/12 04:03 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: peroperic2009]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3517
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Daniel - thanks for sharing
Edward - thank you, too
Obi - you too
And Pero & Scott
islandboy - i've had that too - the unfinished climax - another story

i just read all these responses. I deeply appreciate your replies becausse i know how difficult is is for me to talk about it. but it truly helps to know i'm not the only one with similar issue. though i was in NO WAY TO BLAME - i still feel shame and extreme anxiety in revealing & discussing it. and you've all said similar things. and the idea of arousal by the memory is also so hard to admit.

i also read my original post again - and noticed something really strange - well... that's relative! the whole thing was weird. Even stranger , i mean. i wrote "if I ever let my private parts be seen again" - and i didn't even do that during this event - and neither did my little brother. it was only the dare. and then all hell broke loose. but i have a vivid mental picture of a small naked boy's body - hairless but erect - linked with this other memory of the box and clippers - so where did that come from? was it me or some other boy? and when was it - before or after - and what is the connection? wondering if another moster is about to come out of the closet.

one thing jsut leads to another...
and i haven't even posted "the rest of the story" yet!
lee


Edited by traveler (03/31/12 04:08 AM)
Edit Reason: added details
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#391590 - 03/31/12 04:29 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hi Lee. I read this post earlier today and I wanted to reply then but I didn't. You talk about castration and it brought up a memory of my great-great grandfather and myself when I was about 5 or 6. I remember he would scare me by saying to me "I'll cut your little thing off!" I remember being in his house sitting on the floor playing with something or watching tv while he sat in his green chair near the door and all the other adults sat around on the couches talking. I don't know why he said it all I know is that it used to scare the shit out of me and I'd stare up at him in terror while he held his fingers like scissors and reached towards me. What's so strange is that it was around this time that my abuse happened (he was not my abuser) and this memory is the only memory that I have of my great-great grandfather.

I have this image of myself standing in front of him holding my shirt up under my chin and my pants and white briefs around my ankles. He's kneeled down in front of me with my penis in one hand and a pair of silver scissors in his other hand. He puts my penis between the blades and that's where the image fades away. I don't believe that ever happened but that's what would go through my mind when he'd say that stuff to me. I'd imagine him actually doing it to me. He died in 1996 when I was about 6-years-old and that's the only memory I have of him.

I'm sure it didn't mean anything to him, just a senile old man trying (and succeeding) to scare a little boy. And I don't know if this makes any sense to you but I just thought I'd share.
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Yet another 24 hours.

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#391592 - 03/31/12 04:49 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: Clockwise]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Put those monsters aside Lee, there are none left smile!
Only what could come out is little scared boy.
I have many memories playing on "wrong" way. That is completely understandable for kids to do or let me say for smart and curious kids to do. It is not understandable for adults not knowing to learn children beside giving them some nightmares and scares...
Even you potentially did some nasty things as kid, you were completely normal and ordinary child, try to accept it...
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My story

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#391597 - 03/31/12 05:33 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: peroperic2009]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3517
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Wow, clockwise - that's the kind of thing i'm talking about! yeah, it makes TOTAL sense.

if you don't mind me asking - how do you think that event affected your view of life, yourself and sex? was it an influence on you beyond the terror at the time it happened?

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#391615 - 03/31/12 10:21 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3517
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Part 2 of this theme in my story:

Fast-forward to my late 30s. I am married and we have 3 kids. The last one was a surprise but very wanted. But we have also had 3 miscarriages. We don’t think we can take risking another. We decide I should have a vasectomy. I think I am ok with that. Theoretically I am convinced it is a good decision.

I had to shave myself from navel to anus in advance. that was scary - given my history, i do not like to have razors or any other kinds of cutting instrument in that area. My hands shook as i did it, but i got through it. and it was so weird, seeing myself smooth like that. felt like a little kid again - very disorienting and not pleasant.

Then I go into the clinic and have to strip for the doc. It starts to get bad. And he starts to handle my penis and testicles and I am trying very hard not to lose it, trying to keep it together, trying not to lose control, trying to think of other things. Was this what it was like for me when i was a kid?

I know he has a set of sharp steel blades at hand. Inside I am screaming and running but outside I am cool and just trembling a little. I lie down on the table and I start to freak. I am babbling and confessing my CSA status and apologizing and begging and the anesthesiologist puts me out…

…and when i wake up it is all over. But the pain-killer wears off. it hurts with a deep throbbing pain and I am swollen and bruised and bloody and feel violated.

How could I have been so stupid as to put myself through that? How could I have thought that it wouldn’t affect me? Why didn’t the doctor even ask if I had any history that would cause triggers? I was so totally out-of-touch with my emotions and so in denial that I didn’t even feel the level of fear in advance that was anywhere close to the reality when the time came to go under the knife. It was almost as though I had collaborated with the step-father in doing what he threatened.

Of course I recovered physically and was back to my version of “normal” but without any sperm count. But the emotional scars lingered for some time…

but wait, that's not all...
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#391742 - 04/01/12 03:49 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
The even with my great grandfather sticks out only because it's the only thing I remember about him. I have no memory of how he interacted with other family members or if he was a mean person in general (I've never heard anything really bad about him though). I don't think it effects me on the level that the abuse I suffered has effected me over the years. I know that my great grandfather isn't going to cut my penis off and I now see the event as nothing more than an old man being mean. I don't know if that even or the abuse happened first and that's something I think about sometimes. It just seems like a lot for a 5 or 6-year-old to have to go throughout all around the same time.

Hope this helps.

-Terrick
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Yet another 24 hours.

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#391891 - 04/02/12 09:50 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: peroperic2009]
4040 Offline


Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 1
Hi all,


I've never been threatened with castration. However, I hate to be uncircumcised and therefore I decided to get surgery and I did it, now, I am circumcised; it was the best decision I ever made. I also understood why I hate to be uncircumcised simply because all the men that abused me were uncircumcised.

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#392164 - 04/04/12 10:24 AM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: 4040]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3517
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Part 3

Another thematically connected episode… I am in the yard of our house trimming shrubs with electric hedge clippers. RED FLAGS! – but these are electric ones that have two saw-tooth blades with big teeth that slide back and forth on top of each other, chewing through the branches – not the big double scissor-like ones of my memory/story. No problem – right? – WRONG!

There are dozens of these yews that have to be cut back and shaped twice a year. My arms are tired and I rest them by bracing the butt end of the handle of the electric clippers against my hip or upper thigh. The vibrations start to get me turned on. I flash back to my childhood and step-father’s story. He is dead now and I no longer have to fear him. He can’t hurt me. I turn the situation around in my mind and think – “See there – not only did you not cut me off with clippers, but I am f***ing the clippers. I ‘ll show you! I win!” I have a full-on erection by now and am sort of lost in a daze, letting the vibrations float me away….

ZAP! The clippers hit a tough branch or are in danger of cutting the cord or something – that causes me to jerk them up and put out my hand to grab something. I am jolted back into the present by the blades sawing through my work glove and finger. Intense sharp pain. Blood. Staggering to the house. Cloths and ice and elevating the hand. Rushing to the emergency room. Stitches and dull throbbing pain. Thinking – a finger could be a phallic symbol. He didn’t manage to cut the part off that he threatened but this was sort of symbolic in a creepy way. like he was trying to get the last blow in.

For all the use and satisfaction I have gotten out of it, for all the grief it has given me through the use and abuse by him and others, he may as well have cut it off way back then. I’ve still got it but sometimes I don’t feel like I’m all there in other ways - definitely not emotionally - and unable to function "normally" without all kinds of crazy thoughts and feelings... maybe he won after all.

end of story
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#403404 - 07/12/12 01:45 PM Re: ***TRIGGER*** Castration fear [Re: traveler]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 07:14 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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