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#391462 - 03/29/12 10:55 PM today
rrush Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/12
Posts: 11
I couldnt get the abuse off my mind today it was all I thought about this morning I started thinking it was getting all too much. How do you guys deal with it with everything my first thought it to fix it and fix it now. but no amount of just going hard at it all the time isnt going to work because I dont have all the answers. do you guys have the same issues. just forced my self to do other things and it was better for me. Any thoughts??????

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#391466 - 03/29/12 11:05 PM Re: today [Re: rrush]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5947
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Rush,

The abuse is a "story" being told by the part of you that remained there, the part that could not mature, move on and heal when you forced your other parts to break away from the abuse point and demanded growth.

The abuse memories hold captive the parts left behind, trust, confidence, compassion, patience perhaps, that had to be put there as barriers to the abuse so that we could go to work, to school, to our families and friends, to put up this facade, so they would never know. You must rescue them.

This story, it is so important that you listen, a part of you is crying out, rush. Listen, as you would one who lost a loved one and has come to you seeking relief. Indeed a part of you is trying to find a way back, back from the terror and hurt and separation of the abuse, let it come. Sit with the memories, cry, weep, sob, wail. Beat your chest, hide under the covers, rock yourself to sleep. You will find with time, the memories will not overwhelm you as they are now, you will find the relief and the connection that was torn from you.

It is time to sit and join with the pain, and love that part of you lost, until you are whole again.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#391517 - 03/30/12 12:07 PM Re: today [Re: SamV]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1790
Rrush

I know what you are feeling. For so long I could not get the abuse memories out of my mind. My child was awakening and took over as a result of new abuses and torment--one time I was telling my story of what triggered the memories, pain, nightmares and lost time and someone added some laughter to the story. Things were done to me in the home that are clearly not normal and a fellow survivor joked sounds like a cross between a Jerry Springer and Dr. Phil show--I must say it does. Another joked and said it could be a Lifetime movie--had a clever title which I will not repeat here but anyway I went into a spiral and felt like a passenger in my own body, not connected, could not sleep, if I closed my eyes I saw and felt the abuse, I would find myself in places that I did not know how I got there. I lived in fear but could not get the abuse off my mind, it was controlling me. I was lost. But this forum, therapy, support groups and wonderful supporters have helped me move forward. I let the "story out" as sasuva said above. I told it over and over, I wrote about the abuse. I began to accept the child I long disowned and did not allow to grow. He was angry and I had been weak. I allowed him to take over and live, he only knew pain and hurt, and thought love was abuse and abuse was love. He acted out.

But now I am in a different place, I better understand myself and value who I am. I think, keep on telling your story, the pain has to be set free, acknowledge the child (don't do like I, I did not want to accept because then I would have to accept the abuse--I thought I could cut out a piece of my past). I have learned to love the total me.

Now I find the abuse thoughts do not control me like they did in the past. I value life and want many happy tomorrows--the days of believing if I was taken in my sleep would be the best to end the pain no longer creep into my thoughts. It takes time and acceptance of the abuse.

Good luck I know you will heal, do it at your own pace. I wish there was away to avoid the pain, but it is part of the healing.

Kevin


Edited by KMCINVA (03/30/12 12:21 PM)

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