I am so sorry for your pain and suffering Kieran1.
To add to what TheDean said,
-"Remember-it happened to you--you could not control it and did not want it."-
I had a whole LOT of shame connected to the 'wanting'...Some of it felt good, and I HATED myself for it. I was so, so mad about what I had remembered I had done. Lord, how I prayed. Prayed for his death and mine. Prayed for it to stop. The memmories of a lost childhood. The terror. Frightened beyound comprehension. Yet attracted to "it". I felt I deserved "it" after a while. That he was right. That this was my fate.
-"You have nothing to feel shame about."-
That is the truth. The sin lies with the PERP.
Yet, it IS Normal to Feel Shame, embarresed, confused, and lots more.
Even if you Felt you had some control at the time, you actually did NOT. The PERP was "All Controlling".
Even if some of 'it' felt good, he was manipulating you with a Spinal Reflex Responce.
Even if you felt you cooperated with him, or allowed it to happen or didn't stop it, He was in Control & using your own ignorance, naivaty, youth and lack of understanding against you. He was FULLY aware this this. He was Fully aware that his actions were inappropriate.
Kieran1, you are the victim of the most horrible of all monsters. The most powerful of all monsters. No alien or creature of Hollywood can hold a candle to this monster. Cause it's REAL.
The one weapon you have that realy works against it, is your voice. Talking about it here, to a therapist, to your partner, and perhaps one day to others, is powerful. The monsters greatest tool against us, is our silence. Then, as well as now. Break the silence, speak our turths, let the secretes out.
If the inability to sleep could be captured & there was a market, i bet most of us would be rich men.