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#391392 - 03/29/12 03:41 PM Moving today related to abuse
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Slight trigger warning.

I am moving apartments today, just a short 10 minute move but I am feeling a bit lost. My CSA happened when I was 13 years old and I had recently moved to a new town where I didn't know anybody. I was looking for something, someone to see me and a stranger fellated me and then disappeared. I never saw him before and never saw him again.

I've always felt a lot of guilt and shame about it for two specific reasons. One, I felt like I was looking for it since I was out looking for something. I was really looking for direction and to be seen for me but as a boy I told myself that I must have been looking for sex (even though I had no idea what sex was and had never talked to a soul about it). Second, since it felt good and my body enjoyed the physical attention, I again must have wanted it, caused it, provoked it and I was equally responsible to this adult. I know these are things that my boy brain told me and now I know differently but the move brings up certain unnameable feelings.

I am feeling unmoored, adrift, wanting to use old coping mechanisms to settle down (mostly sexual masturbation to get a release of stress), a feeling of having no one who sees what I am going through like when I was a kid who moved and no one paid attention to when we moved (!), and the only person who saw me was a pedophile (and then others afterward) who saw how lonely and sad and directionless I was and molested me while I was at a very, very low and vulnerable point in my life.

These feelings will pass but rather than not acknowledge them, I put them out there so that they no longer drive my actions.

I now have choices on how to respond to these feelings. I will settle down, I don't have to cope by myself, I am not a boy of 13, I will use whatever resources I have to use in order to take care of myself. I will take care of myself in different ways than before. There are more options than the ones that I know.

I don't know if this is helpful to anyone else but it is a way to end the cycle that has been my private, fragmented, compartmentalized life.

Edit: Moving when I was a kid was horrible. I had just started junior high, I enjoyed it and making friends and having the world opening up to me and seeing choices and starting to awaken and it even continued to the new town that I moved to at 12. But there was no conversation with my family - it was just "we're moving" and no discussion of feelings. We were running away from my father's alcoholic past. Moving upended everything and it was incredibly lonely and isolating.

I didn't want to move now but I had to due to situations outside of my control. Its not like I am moving to a bad place - it should be better in some ways. Its just that many times I've let circumstance move me rather than making a move toward something that I want because I believe that I am valuable enough or that I deserve to be happy. That's where I am headed and I believe I will get there.


Edited by EdfromNYC (03/29/12 03:50 PM)
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#391394 - 03/29/12 04:03 PM Re: Moving today related to abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Ed--
Great insight! You are on the right track. Sorry I didn't know you were moving--I am sure a bunch of us could have helped move boxes. Wishing you all the best in your new home.
_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

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#391398 - 03/29/12 04:26 PM Re: Moving today related to abuse [Re: ACRoberts]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
I want to tell you something that I am only now realizing - I haven't let other people help me very much. I hired movers, which is less stress but even your mentioning of other people helping me move, especially other men who really know me, has been a foreign concept. I've gone through so much alone and have carried it all on my own but I don't have to anymore and I am slowly aware of that. It also makes me aware of the load that I've carried by myself for so, so long. I've wanted to lay low and not cause anyone else any problems or get them mad at me for even having any kind of need. I see what a bad system that is for living.

Thanks.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#391399 - 03/29/12 04:30 PM Re: Moving today related to abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Ed--WOW--I can totally relate! I carry it all on my own, including everyone else's load. I am afraid to ask for help--it would make me vulnerable, which is not a feeling I am comfortable with. I guess we both need to let others we trust help carry our burdens.
_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

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#391418 - 03/29/12 06:36 PM Re: Moving today related to abuse [Re: ACRoberts]
F.A. Offline


Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 229
Loc: United States
Powerful account so insightful. I still have trouble accepting help.
_________________________
F.A.

To be sick is to be fragmented. To be healed is to become whole, and to become whole one must be in harmony with family, friends, and nature" -Navajo-
Blog: http://csafresno.blogspot.com
Facebook: http://tinyurl.com/CSAFresno
My Story: http://tinyurl.com/78upvvu

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#391427 - 03/29/12 07:44 PM Re: Moving today related to abuse [Re: EdfromNYC]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3392
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: EdfromNYC
These feelings will pass but rather than not acknowledge them, I put them out there so that they no longer drive my actions.

I now have choices on how to respond to these feelings. I will settle down, I don't have to cope by myself, I am not a boy of 13, I will use whatever resources I have to use in order to take care of myself. I will take care of myself in different ways than before. There are more options than the ones that I know.

I don't know if this is helpful to anyone else but it is a way to end the cycle that has been my private, fragmented, compartmentalized life.
...
Its just that many times I've let circumstance move me rather than making a move toward something that I want because I believe that I am valuable enough or that I deserve to be happy. That's where I am headed and I believe I will get there.


ED - powerful statements and affirmations! you are stronger now. you are dealing with reality and the present. you are taking back control of your life - not totally - because as you say there are circumstances that cause you to move. BUT - you can CHOOSE how you respond to that! and - YES - it is helpful to others = ME, for example. and YES!!!! - YOU ARE VALUABLE AND YOU DO DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

GREAT post.
((((((((((Ed))))))))))
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#391428 - 03/29/12 07:48 PM Re: Moving today related to abuse [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3392
Loc: somewhere in Africa
one more thing - when i moved at 13 - it was the beginning of a "new" life for me - away from bullies and abusers and everyone who knew my history (except step-father - and tho he was still verbally abusive, he had quit the physical stuff ny then.) i felt it was a fresh start and i know it saved my life. i know it is different for you because of your past, but maybe trying to think of it that way might help...?

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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