it is not my fault for the last time! i did not cause this and i couldn't just walk away and go tell some one! i was to scared and ashamed. my wife of 4 years is leaving and this is a big part of it. she cant understand why someone in a csa situation cant just walk away and tell some one. i was told i would get in trouble, the abuser would get into trouble, i would be embarrassed. i cant take this, especially with a 3 year old son in the middle of it. if he sees me break down any more he is going to think that's just what you do. i get no support, 0, from any one but my counselor and the people here. i know a lot of you have the same issue. i know i can come here for relief. but were am i to go out side of here. i could go to were i was abused, the place of horror and get emotionally beat up. relive what happened. a 3 year old can only give so much, and i cant even for one minute expect him to be responsible for something like that. no friends who understand, no nothing. i have been sitting here for 2 days now just waiting for the phone to ring, watching the chat room here for someone to talk with, waiting for my next counseling appointment, waiting and waiting for some one to care and love me. some one to hold me and tell me i am OK. some one to build trust with so i can heal. i am so vulnerable right now. almost so desperate to risk my health. the only thing that's keeping me alive is that little boy i get to see for 2 days a week. my only real family member. she will take my name from him and replace it with hers. the only living person that i have for family is ultimately some one else.

Welcome to MS, Joe!

I'm in the sameboat in my life except the wife part. I was raped at 3.5 years old so understand man since you said 3 for you. Maybe she'll come around. You never know. Friends are hard to find today. Wish it was better. I do ask why me? a lot. Why was I so worthless to have that horrible experience? The "god allowed it or because he has a plan" or something similar doesn't make me feel any better just pisses me off even more about it. I reply, "Okay, when does this shit get easier or did god just not have a fucking plan in the first place? Where was my fucking peace he supposedly gives others? No answer? Okay, keep you fucking religion to yourself." It took me a long time to say that. It sucks, man. Lotta hugs.

Wow Joe,
please take it easy. You are in the middle of some storm and you have to calm yourself. I know that we all are sometimes fragile and vulnerable, hang on there, you need to find some inner peace. You seems to be very nice guy.
I'm sorry that you don't have some support in your life. Please be patient, we will find solution for you but time and some will is needed for that, but you can do it man !
Please let us know for how long have you been in therapy and what are your experiences with it?
Secondary it would be very helpful if you could go out of that waiting and passive mood. Is that OK with you?
It could be good if you could set some framework and do some every day activities that would make you more focused and not feeling lost, What do you think on that?
It would be great to set some perspective for longer time than daily base (week, month etc). Your goal should be to use as many tools as possible for your recovery but in some order. So forget leaning all day long here - maybe when you are completely down, but if you'll be better you should do some other things and occasionally go back here, check us all, talk to us and go back for some other thing in real world. How are you feeling with all that?
Please carefully read this peace of paper:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/docs/FirstStepstoGetHelp.doc
And find some homework there and be persistent to do it regularly - every day.
Please go trough those lines and set some goals like this:
1. think on one positive affirmation every day
2. make decision to combine your therapy with healing circle group chat sessions every Wednesday night (if you have time for that): http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=370348#Post370348
3. take some breathing exercises every day, above are links to video part one and two, it explains the 2x4 breathing technique, stretching and visualization. It is interactive, give it a try:
Part one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gs5fj8Pdgtw&feature=related
Part two
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWiBxRhoGXs
4. Than also add exercises/words for self compassion and self-empathy like here: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=389754#
you need to build self worth and self esteem - that is prime goal to get some inner peace and healing.
And that is good for some start. What do you think?
You have to add some other activities to list,like some reading, music, meeting people, nature and such stuff -can you think anything that you love to do in your free time? Add it to this list and make some personal program...
Please let us know if anything of this is acceptable for you?
I hope this will be helpful to you!
Pero

i understand your place of sadness all too well. Many of us here do. Perservere as best you can, get educated. get legal advice, get anyone to hear your story anyone who you think may have a kind ear.

When i told my older brothers and family at an intervention staring me. I was floored at their ability to see me through all the bad stuff. I was not capable of seeing that there can be acceptance. That is where you are now bro.

I send you warm thoughts and just let you know. Kindness and compassion are what you need for your ex, your little boy and mostly yourself. You changed her world in a way she could not have fathomed. It will take time for all of you.

Hugz

grant

((((Joe)))))))

Wish I could answer your question, but I don't know why you have to go through this. Nothing fair about it. Are there any support groups in your area?

Joe!
I am so proud of you, you stopped waiting! You posted, you shared, and now your fellow survivors are coming to your aid. We did not know the pain the abuse and the lack of local support left on you, and now that we do, we will NOT let you go. We are here, to support, to encourage, to advise, to nurture, to listen, to cry and to let you know we have seen the pain and the confusion, the terror and the anxiety. We respect that, we understand that, we are joined with you in this struggle.

Find the answers above in the wise counsel, express yourself fully and know we never tire of hearing you get those fearful emotions out, because we know that soon, very soon, you will feel the recovery relief and the stability of answers that prove themselves to be true and right and trustworthy.

Welcome Joe, you are among your fellow survivors, sit deep, enjoy the warmth of the fire and tell us more about you,

Sam

.

I know how hard it is and i sometimes question why i have to go through this too, but then i start to think...
Why do children get cancer?
Why do people get in car accidents that leave them paralyzed?
Why are babies born blind or deaf, with horrible physical deformities or mental retardation?
Why do natural disasters destroy everything people own and leave them homeless?
Why do children lose both their parents at a young age and become orphans?

I'm not trying to minimize CSA in anyway, but terrible things happen to a lot of people that they neither caused nor deserved and the choice we have to make when terrible things happen is, Are we going to let it destroy us, or are we going to overcome it and be stronger because of it?

We don't just have to learn to cope with this, it can be conquered...never give up, never give in,
God Bless,
Nick
"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars"

Hi Joehurts,

I like what redsox said above. Life is tragic, it is full of natural disasters and suffering and pain and accidents and mistakes and the lunacy of crazy people doing bad things to each other.

That is just the hard fact of life.

To answer your question "Why do I have to go through this?" The answer is - you don't HAVE to. You can choose to give up. But is that what you want to be?

You're here for a reason. You're looking for answers and looking for help (I assume). We all are looking for answers for what ails us.

We choose to find healing so that we can live a life worth living. The world is full of calamity and pain, it is what we do with this that makes us who we are.

The world is also full of beauty and awe and mystery.

We have the power to choose. And the strongest people on the planet are the people who choose to endure and heal. They then become the beacons of hope and light that everyone else looks to for answers.

D

joehurts

I am sorry you are going through this--I know it sucks. I was told I would be taken away, my parents would not love me because I was an ungrateful son, if I did not do what he wanted he would visit my younger brother (only recently have I been able to say these words--I hurt for his loss and the life he did not have because I believe he did hurt him. He was lost to drugs and alcohol and wandered aimlessly, never a smile, never any trust--I have carried it for so long and am dealing with it). I did everything I was told but I was the one hurt and the perp walked away and my brother is dead. I have looked for him, called his last parish and the diocese--no help.

I struggled for 40 plus years and thought I could control it--but things in my life changed and I was weakened emotionally and could no longer keep the memories down, the pain and flashbacks took over, no sleep, the child took over and I left to where I do not know. I hated it, I hated the perp, I hated myself. I fought it but it was too strong. I finally found trust in my T and supporters--I cried, I was sick, I started to spit out the memories, the pain. It was the beginning of my healing. I wanted to cry all the time, I prayed not to wake so I would not feel the pain, but I am here. I had good days but more bad days. As I told my story and had the support of caring people here, support groups and some people I met--they gave me an ear that did not judge, a smile that showed compassion and a pat on the back saying you are here and we are here for you.

These were words and actions I could not initially accept, but with love and support I gave in, accepted I could not carve out that part of my life nor bring my brother back. But I will not lie, I was a mess for some time, read some of my old posts-I do to remind me of where I was and I am today. You will look back and realize healing requires pain and desire to move ahead. We all heal at different paces and experience different levels of pain--but it is pain no matter how you look at it. Come here to the forum, the chat rooms, find a live support group, find a hobby or group that you can give back to--try to channel the negative to a positive--it will always be part of you.

As I write this it all seems so simple--but I was one who needed to have a plan--A+B gets me to C--but it did not work that way--I went A to M back to B, it was a roller coaster but I thought I could make it a smooth process--I was wrong--and wish I could have seen that from the beginning--but we all learn and heal in our own ways. Don't give up--that is your other option--but it will only take you back to a life controlled by the perp and anyone else who tormented or abused you--you deserve your own life--a life with a future filled with joy, happiness and there will always be some rough patches.

Talk to us, write to us, chat with us--we know what you are dealing with, we understand and will never judge what happened to you or what you have done--CSA effects us differently. Stay strong--be easy on yourself, focus on yourself and I know you will do it. Heal friend, friend.

Kevin