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#391363 - 03/29/12 10:32 AM Boundaries
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I am finding that WE ALL suffer from lack of boundaries - spouse, supporter, survivor.

I am thinking about Jim's post about "compromise" and how he sees it more as an unfair sacrifice on the part of his wife.

If a spouse starts to impose boundaries, what is the effect on a survivor's recovery?

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#391406 - 03/29/12 05:15 PM Re: Boundaries [Re: Esposa]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
I view boundaries as a two edged sword. On one hand they make me feel safe and comfortable. On the other hand it does give me an excuses to stop progressing. Finding a balance between the two is the challenge. Mike

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#391414 - 03/29/12 06:15 PM Re: Boundaries [Re: Esposa]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Boundries are needed for both supporters / spouse and survivors.

However they are difficult to "enforce" and are only effective if you are prepared to follow through.... Eg if you cheat again I'm taking the children and leaving, can you stick to your threat?

Something I learnt in a co-dependancy workshop:
Abuse, humiliation and shame damages boundries. It leaves gaping holes where the violation occurs. If we were emotionally, physically or sexually abused as children, we may grow up without healthy borders around that part of our teritory. As adults we'll be vulnerable to invasion in that area until we repair and strengthen that part of our border.

Boundries are more about learning to take care of ourselves than about who we are with. They will also emerge as we learn to value , trust and listen to ourselves. We do have rights.

May your boundries be true to yourself
Pie

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#391416 - 03/29/12 06:29 PM Re: Boundaries [Re: Pie]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 407
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Amen Pie!
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391431 - 03/29/12 08:13 PM Re: Boundaries [Re: Esposa]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Esposa
I am finding that WE ALL suffer from lack of boundaries - spouse, supporter, survivor.

I am thinking about Jim's post about "compromise" and how he sees it more as an unfair sacrifice on the part of his wife.

If a spouse starts to impose boundaries, what is the effect on a survivor's recovery?


Esposa,

Say you got within a foot of him and stayed there. That's where lovers are supposed to be. 3 feet is the preferred physical boundary. I used to work with many Latin girls and they were nose to nose. Just their culture. Now, imagine you're near his mind 24/7 unlike him that is maybe there once a day/week when it all started. Could you handle it? Now, add sex abuse in your past. Why? We isolate and others can be more than life to bear because it reminds some of us how we don't deserve goodness (like yourself) and it reminds some of us how helpless we were when we were sexually abused.

Imagine you were raped a day ago. Most would want to know a spouse is there anytime you need him. But, (saw this with female rape victims) they don't want to be reminded hence pushed into sharing before they are ready. I gave this to another lady --> Perhaps telling him you love him all the time rather than a few times a day isn't practical. Just enough to let him know it's true and there. It's so good it hurts in perhaps a bad way? Do it a few times a day and see if he opens up more and longs for it and reciprocates thinking, "I better be real to her like she is to me so I can receive." Giving allows us to receive. The more a person doesn't give, the harder it is to truly get. Makes sense? Hope that helped.

Big thing for women: a marriage is strengthen by not what you give but what the man puts into it. That's fact. If he puts nothing, the marriage will wither and die. Just how it works.


Edited by phoenix321 (03/29/12 08:16 PM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#391441 - 03/29/12 09:10 PM Re: Boundaries [Re: phoenix321]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
physical and acting out and numbing behaviour boundaries - my wife won't set them or enforce them for me but i know what they should be and what she expects them to be. She says, "i'm not your mother." she doen't want to check up on me. my definitions may be a little different - but we are pretty close on that issue. i know that if she was monitoring and being the one that held me accountable i would feel diminished and more immature and powerless. i would resent that and maybe even be more likely to act out.

the thoughts, emotions, memories type of boundaries are more of a challenge for us. she wants, expects, needs total disclosure and transparency from me. I CANNOT do that. i have made huge strides and improved immensely in the degree of vulneability i am willing to suffer - (YES - SUFFER! - it sometimes feels like almost as much of a violation as the abuse events!!!) - to open up my mind and heart and have someone else rummaging though the memories that have been my secret and exclusive and private possessions for so long is very difficult for me - even someone i know and love as much as i am able to - and more than anyone else in the world.

it is difficult for both of us to adjust to the shifting boundaries. we never know exactly where we stand.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#391444 - 03/29/12 09:24 PM Re: Boundaries [Re: traveler]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Thank you everyone...;)

I am not his mother nor his enforcer, nor it is my task to help him establish his own boundaries.

I am wondering more about what my enforcement of my own boundaries will have as an impact on him. I have boundaries, but I don't enforce them - EVER. I need to start doing that FOR ME. But I wonder if it will negatively or positively impact him.

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#391447 - 03/29/12 09:57 PM Re: Boundaries [Re: Esposa]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 357
OMG, Lee. I think I get it. I have had an aha moment from what you wrote about how painful it is to be transparent and share. Wow! I can get so frustrated because it is so hard for hubby now I get it.

I'm like, hello? How hard is it? I see now it is hugely hard.

ty

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#391454 - 03/29/12 10:28 PM Re: Boundaries [Re: lucylives]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
When I stuck to my boundaries it forced him to grow.
He did NOT like it at first.
He started all kinds of petulant whining, threatening, accusing me of not caring, but eventually he settled down and actually seemed to feel more secure. He knew where the limits were for the 1st time.

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#391473 - 03/29/12 11:24 PM Re: Boundaries [Re: mmfan]
Pie Offline


Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Hi Esposa

Its fantastic that you have boundries that you would like to put into practice.

The easiest way to start the journey is to do one step at a time.
Choose the one that you feel will be the easiest to put into action and rite it down. Tell yourself that just for today you will not be.... Eg verbally abused. This means by anyone. Choose a action to go with it, if you find yourself in the situation... Eg leave the room, without confrontation. Work it until you have succeeded, then add in the next one.

Do not belittle yourself if you let someone step over that line. Rather step forward and start again. You can do this and with courage and determination you will succeed.

Let your No be a No
Pie

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