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#391190 - 03/28/12 02:26 PM Re: Compliance. DANGER AHEAD! [Re: Dan99]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Dan - this is an interesting observation. I think in my case I definitely found peace in the lack of conflict, since I grew up in a high conflict household. But in my case, I have spent years looking at other couples and wishing that I had a partner who was more opinionated and had more leadership. In fact, if I look back at all of my friendships with men through the years, they are all extremely dominant personalities - it was something I was missing. Do the other wives have this experience at all? With male friendships?

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#391196 - 03/28/12 03:07 PM Re: Compliance. DANGER AHEAD! [Re: Esposa]
Mulligan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
Not to be snarky, but abused people are meant to comply without asking questions and this causes problems?

So is it then that acting out is a subconcious way to have needs met that we have been trained we can't ask for?
_________________________
Because I never give up the fight!

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#391216 - 03/28/12 06:22 PM Re: Compliance. DANGER AHEAD! [Re: Mulligan]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I can only speak from my experience Mulligan and the answer is a resounding and painful YES.

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#391232 - 03/28/12 08:01 PM Re: Compliance. DANGER AHEAD! [Re: Esposa]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
Mulligan it's a problem even if they don't act out. Most of us want full partners.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#391248 - 03/28/12 09:30 PM Re: Compliance. DANGER AHEAD! [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
GH - what say you about your friendships with men? What are they like?

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#391261 - 03/28/12 11:17 PM Re: Compliance. DANGER AHEAD! [Re: Esposa]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
My best friend is a guy. He taught me that I could be me and still be loved. It liberated me. He's brutally honest, wickedly funny and challenges me to be better (and has for the last 18 years). I'm the person I am because of him. He and my husband get along well and when everything blew up, my husband asked to speak to him . My family considers him family.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#391264 - 03/28/12 11:35 PM Re: Compliance. DANGER AHEAD! [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Does he possess qualities that you felt you missed in your marriage?

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#391270 - 03/29/12 12:25 AM Re: Compliance. DANGER AHEAD! [Re: Esposa]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 415
They are not Very similar. What I need most I get from both--acceptance just as I am. The only thing i felt was missing from my marriage is honesty. And it took me a while to unearth that. I consider my best friend my best friend, but as me and my husband got serious, I spent less time with him. We talk now once a month or so, some texting and Facebook in between. Pre hubby we were together every other week. We call on each other for crises, and see each other once or twice a year for holidays. My husband defies description. He's smart, funny, easy to be with, great conversationalist, knowledgeable, interesting and handsome. I had a work function recently and I was hardly w my husband. I'd look over and see him holding court w important people and they were intrigued and charmed. My best friend is not like that. He's fascinating and the smartest person I've ever met. we've spent whole days talking ideas through and the time flies, but I really do enjoy the company of my husband.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#391408 - 03/29/12 05:28 PM Re: Compliance. DANGER AHEAD! [Re: GoodHope]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
Mulligan I think you hit the nail on the head with the statement about acting out being a way to try to get some needs met because you all have been trained to not be able to ask for them.

That really resonates with me and my husband's situation. I don't think he thinks he deserves to have needs let alone get them met in a healthy way by a 'normal" person. It makes him feel too vulnerable and the risk of getting hurt is too great because you aare really opening up when u ask someone to meet your needs.

Also, it takes courage (at least in my husbnad's case) to admit he has needs and to tell me what they are. This has been the cause of many arguments, him denying he has needs and me thinking he is ridiculous.

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#391409 - 03/29/12 05:34 PM Re: Compliance. DANGER AHEAD! [Re: Dan99]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 359
Also, my husband is very compliant too (at least to everybody's face) behind closed doors in his secret life, he was definitely not compliant.

It is like this.....look at me, I am this great guy, I help everybody, I have no needs, I just do, do , do and try to make everybody's life better, i am selfless, I am accommodating, I give my wife and my family everything, I am never mad or upset, nothing ever bothers me, i am a doormat to everyone, ask me to jump and I will say how high....

but the truth is while he was wearing this mask he was acting out in such horrendous, disgusting ways behind everybody's back. no one would have ever known, including me.

I want to scream......IT IS OK IF YOU VOICE AN OPINION OR GET MAD ABOUT SOMETHING, WE WILL LOVE YOU ANYWAY.

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