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#391031 - 03/27/12 03:40 PM What a waste of time...
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
***********Possible Triggering***************

I just gotta say this. Yesterday and last night, I got back into the qestion of did it happen or not. Was I used or not. So, I started looking for the only place I could think of to find hard evidence, which was on the web in all the wrong places. Note, I don't look anywhere that I think there might be some sort of evidence...looking for vintage porn from the time that I was abused. Of course, I didn't find anything. gets boring looking, and triggering.

So, what happens today? I go to a lunch meeting and listen to this speaker. He starts talking about becoming interested in film-making when he was young and how he and his dad went out and bought an 8mm movie camera so he could start making films. For a minute, luckily, only a minute, I started squirming in my seat and feeling very strange. That's gone, but Its still haunting me now.

This is not a threat. I swear it's not. But now all I want to do is just go somewhere, anywhere. I want to find a dark corner, crawl into it, curl up and die. God! I just want my life to be over so I can find some peace. Why the fuck do I have to live trhough this crap? Wheat did I do to deserve this except try to do the right things growing up?

Ok, I am done for now. gotta work.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391042 - 03/27/12 06:10 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jim, are you OK?
You sounds like all survivors with their struggles, there is no doubt of that, evidence is here...
I hope you are much better now!
_________________________
My story

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#391056 - 03/27/12 06:32 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: peroperic2009]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Not ok, but better. Thanks.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391058 - 03/27/12 07:22 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Jim, I wish for all our sakes that once we move beyond a point of healing, we would keep moving forward. Unfortunately that isn't the way it is, is it? I feel so sorry that you are having to go through such pain. i wish I could reach out and calm those feelings, but... the best i can offer is empathy.
_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#391059 - 03/27/12 07:38 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: dancr6]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3512
Loc: somewhere in Africa
JIM - you are like a mirror of me. I have felt and done the same thing. and the vintiage thing - exactly!!! it takes me back in both very bad - triggering - emotional ways and also gets me more aroused physically than anything else. yeah - i was looking for reassurance that my memories - my story - was possible - even true - and not a unique one-off sort of freak occurrance. seeking normalcy in an abnormal context - crazy - huh? and i still go through mental debates over not only did it happen - but also was it really as bad as i make it out to be or was i just a paranoid, hypochondriac, martyr-complex wimp... it is exhausting!

This is the best tool i've found for affirmation - right here on these forums!!!

Hold on, bro! you're gonna make it!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#391080 - 03/27/12 10:26 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: traveler]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Thanks guys. I appreciate it. I really could not believe I had such a huge reaction (for me) to just hearing somebody mention an 8mm camera.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391082 - 03/27/12 10:33 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I just reread my first post in this thread. Last part of paragraph one makes no sense. What I was trying to say is I don't look at any places where there would be kids. I look at the vintage stuff from early 1970s to see if I might be in any of those films. So far, haven't found anything. Don't know what I would do if I did.

Oh well, just wanted to clear that up.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391129 - 03/28/12 02:09 AM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
(((((((Jim)))))))))
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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