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#391031 - 03/27/12 03:40 PM What a waste of time...
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
***********Possible Triggering***************

I just gotta say this. Yesterday and last night, I got back into the qestion of did it happen or not. Was I used or not. So, I started looking for the only place I could think of to find hard evidence, which was on the web in all the wrong places. Note, I don't look anywhere that I think there might be some sort of evidence...looking for vintage porn from the time that I was abused. Of course, I didn't find anything. gets boring looking, and triggering.

So, what happens today? I go to a lunch meeting and listen to this speaker. He starts talking about becoming interested in film-making when he was young and how he and his dad went out and bought an 8mm movie camera so he could start making films. For a minute, luckily, only a minute, I started squirming in my seat and feeling very strange. That's gone, but Its still haunting me now.

This is not a threat. I swear it's not. But now all I want to do is just go somewhere, anywhere. I want to find a dark corner, crawl into it, curl up and die. God! I just want my life to be over so I can find some peace. Why the fuck do I have to live trhough this crap? Wheat did I do to deserve this except try to do the right things growing up?

Ok, I am done for now. gotta work.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391042 - 03/27/12 06:10 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3633
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Jim, are you OK?
You sounds like all survivors with their struggles, there is no doubt of that, evidence is here...
I hope you are much better now!
_________________________
My story

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#391056 - 03/27/12 06:32 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: peroperic2009]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Not ok, but better. Thanks.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391058 - 03/27/12 07:22 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Jim, I wish for all our sakes that once we move beyond a point of healing, we would keep moving forward. Unfortunately that isn't the way it is, is it? I feel so sorry that you are having to go through such pain. i wish I could reach out and calm those feelings, but... the best i can offer is empathy.
_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#391059 - 03/27/12 07:38 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: dancr6]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3589
Loc: somewhere in Africa
JIM - you are like a mirror of me. I have felt and done the same thing. and the vintiage thing - exactly!!! it takes me back in both very bad - triggering - emotional ways and also gets me more aroused physically than anything else. yeah - i was looking for reassurance that my memories - my story - was possible - even true - and not a unique one-off sort of freak occurrance. seeking normalcy in an abnormal context - crazy - huh? and i still go through mental debates over not only did it happen - but also was it really as bad as i make it out to be or was i just a paranoid, hypochondriac, martyr-complex wimp... it is exhausting!

This is the best tool i've found for affirmation - right here on these forums!!!

Hold on, bro! you're gonna make it!
Lee
_________________________
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho


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#391080 - 03/27/12 10:26 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: traveler]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Thanks guys. I appreciate it. I really could not believe I had such a huge reaction (for me) to just hearing somebody mention an 8mm camera.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391082 - 03/27/12 10:33 PM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
I just reread my first post in this thread. Last part of paragraph one makes no sense. What I was trying to say is I don't look at any places where there would be kids. I look at the vintage stuff from early 1970s to see if I might be in any of those films. So far, haven't found anything. Don't know what I would do if I did.

Oh well, just wanted to clear that up.
_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#391129 - 03/28/12 02:09 AM Re: What a waste of time... [Re: Jim1104]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
(((((((Jim)))))))))
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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