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#39096 - 11/29/03 03:54 AM Body memories, may trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Why do I have to feel it again? Was it not enough, to feel it as it was happening? I have felt it before. I have tasted him before, felt choking on him. I have felt his hands on me, his weight on me, himself inside me. Why the hell now, now that I am gone, now that I am safe and grown up and alone of it, that I have to feel it again? Feeling the ties around my wrists, tied tight enough to make my hands numb, and my arms ache. Feel sick at my stomach to actually feel, physically feel him again. When I go on the ice, I smell him. Always, in my head, I hear him. In my panic, I hallucinate, I see him, feel him, it is him all here again. Why does it have to happen like this? I get visual 'flashes' of him, sudden panic and fear that comes up in my sight. I hear dark voices in my head, so much, and sometime even outside of my head, and he is part of them, he is above them, his voice calling me names and laughing at me, laughing as I am trying to get away of him, of them. I get so tired of feeling like it is me who goes crazy. I get so tired of it being me who must feel this, when it happened, and again now. I am afraid to let myself total feel it, but also afraid to not feel it, because I do not know what I need to do to get past it. The pain is so real, the noises and voices in my head are so real. The way my vision changes, the colors changing and things moving, it all seems so real. It always gives me want to hurt myself, and I am trying very hard to not do that at all. I do not know how is best to deal of it all. I have told my therapist some, that I feel things again, and she knows of the voices, and the strange things I see sometime. But still, I have hard time to talk with her of anything sexual at all. I do not know how to make first step of doing that. I have even taken her things I have written about it, but can not speak it. Not sure how or what I feel.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#39097 - 11/29/03 04:19 AM Re: Body memories, may trigger
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Leosha, take heart, it will get easier as the days and weeks pass. I remember that there was a time when I couldn't talk about what happened without disassociating, I would be mechanical and unable to feel. Then later, when I felt safer, I was able to slowly talk about the actual sexual assaults with out 'switching', but I would feel sick to my stomach and my head would be light and I thought I would faint ... and I almost did.
You are still having 'body memories', they are not hallucinations. For so many years you numbed yourself from the horror that you were enduring, now your body is speaking and allowing itself to remember. Treat yourself well Leosha, pamper yourself and surround yourself with people who care about you, I think this will help you handle some of the unhappy reliving of your memories. And please remember dear Leosha, you have a vast quantity of good memories too, unprecedented successes and strengths to build your life around....please focus on these positives because in the end they will be a bigger part of your life than the memory of a selfish, cruel, petty, broken, disrespected, perverted, pitiful former coach. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#39098 - 11/29/03 06:15 PM Re: Body memories, may trigger
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
leosha,
i am truly sorry, leo. i could not finish reading after the first couple of lines. i just wanted you to know though that i am here with you. if what you are going through is what i am going through then even though i could not read what you wrote just know that i am with you.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#39099 - 11/29/03 09:28 PM Re: Body memories, may trigger
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Leosha, when you have these tings you need to ground yourself as best you can. Tell "him" that he is a fraud, a fantasy and can no longer harm you. You might tell yourself your name, your age and where you are. That is to help you realise that you are not in danger. Ask your therapist to help you with some PTSD grounding information.

You might get to talking about the sexual things with your T by simply saying to her that you need her help- to talk about that. She will know how to assist you then.

Body pains are really awful. I only have them once or twice I year. But they are almost more than I can handle at the time. I used to have them much more often--so I think that this means they will lessen.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#39100 - 11/29/03 09:33 PM Re: Body memories, may trigger
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

You are talking of it now, by writing this much here. Do as Bob suggests, and ask your T to help. She sounds like a very good therapist and I believe that she will know how to help you.

You will get through this. You have made tremendous progress already, an inspiration to others like me. It sounds so corny, but it is true that this will pass.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#39101 - 11/30/03 06:06 PM Re: Body memories, may trigger
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 58
Loc: New York, New York, USA
Leosha!

take heart! You are talking about it! Here!!! That means you are taking actions to get it outside of yourself. Way to go!

I think it is okay to feel crazy about cruel and horrible acts done to you! The actions of that man were crazy!!! feeling crazy about them sounds right to me. (It does not in any way mean that you are crazy). Keep talking here and if you can - to yourself and your therapist.

You are not crazy. What was done to you was crazy. It is okay to feel crazy about it! I work hard to treat myself well - sometimes because of what I feel - sometimes in spite of what I feel.

You are not alone. Feeling feelings is a recognition of the reality (meaning to you) of those acts. Your feelings are telling you very appropriatley of what that was like to experience those actions. They are giving a name to those hiddeous acts. They are what those acts mean. They are not a reflection of who you are. Keep posting. I'll keep listening!!

with kind thoughts from Asher

_________________________
I do not know what signature means in 300 words. I am guessing some thoughts?

Great book that captures the truth of PTSD: The Sentimentalists by Skibsrud

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#39102 - 11/30/03 10:05 PM Re: Body memories, may trigger
Ron_dup1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
Leosha
Hang in there buddy!
I have only had a few body memories so far and they are terrifying!
The post about grounding is good advice in my opinion. I really thought I was going crazy! I heard it, felt it, smelled it, saw it, etc. all over again. It was weird because at the same time I knew where I was and what was happening around me. I think that was my "grounding" and it was the only thing that got me through it all. I knew that it was not really happening again. I just didn't know what was happening with me. I was affraid to tell my T about it because I was sure he'd lock me up in some psych. hospital or something. When I finally told him about it he simply read me the definition and symptoms of PTSD and congratulated me for being normal!! I sounds goofy but it helped me a great deal for him to tell me I was reacting and experiencing "normal" things for someone dealing with such a tragedy in my life.
I hope this helps you too!!
Know you are NOT crazy! and you are not alone in this! Feel free to private message me if you want to talk about all the details.
Peace to you my brother,
Ron


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