A dream I had a few weeks back also illustrates the state of our current relationship:
We were both in a mini-van – haven’t had one of those for years! – my wife in the driver’s seat and me in the passenger’s seat. We were cruising along a 2-lane highway – flat and straight – landscape looked like desert – featureless, small rocks and sparse, scrubby, weedy, thorny vegetation and hard, rocky soil. It was grey and overcast and I gradually realized that we were slowing down, glanced over at my wife and saw that she was not steering , but had her hands off the wheel, slack in her lap and was gazing blankly out the windshield. I cried out and reached over to grab the wheel but couldn’t control the vehicle. We veered off the road on to the shoulder, then off into the desert, bumped along for a while and then coasted to a stop, heading into nowhere. We just sat there, neither knowing what to do next…
The meaning seemed pretty obvious to me. She has been “driving” our marriage relationship for a long time, while I’ve just been “along for the ride.” At least that’s how she feels. Actually I’ve been distracted by trying desperately to figure out the “operations manual” and decipher the “travel directions” to our desired “destination” and haven’t been doing very well with it. And now she is tired of doing what we’ve done for a long time without a “rest area.” It is time for me to move into the driver’s role and take charge of the direction we are going. But I am very fearful, insecure and feel inadequate and unequipped to do it right. So for now, we don’t seem to be getting any further. I am busy “repairing some damage to the vehicle” or “trying to figure out the map.” And she is waiting for the time when we can resume our “journey” together. I think she is not too happy that our progress together has “taken a detour” while I try to get myself straightened out – but we can’t really “hit the road” again and expect to go anywhere until I’m “firing on all cylinders.” Thankfully, I have a good “mechanic” that is helping me and giving me some good “tools” to work with. And then there’s this “auto club” called MS and many “backyard mechanics” here that are also offering lots of experience and good advice.
(Hey - at least I’m not using sports analogies!!! LOL)
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago