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#390297 - 03/23/12 02:17 AM why the cover up
ozland Offline


Registered: 07/11/11
Posts: 29
Loc: Australia
Why do some people make the choice to cover up the Sexual assault of children.it makes me so mad! Help these kids .I believe inactivity makes them just as guilty as the scum perpetrators.


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#390336 - 03/23/12 09:57 AM Re: why the cover up [Re: ozland]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3617
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Aussie,
it is good question. I think they cover it because they are indirectly involved. By keeping those assaults in secret they have allowed perp to do his job. Maybe that is sometimes defensive mechanism, those people are trying to keep perfect picture of families for outsiders. But by doing so they are certainly taking some role into abuse...

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My story

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#390344 - 03/23/12 10:32 AM Re: why the cover up [Re: peroperic2009]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1446
What you see as some people making the choice to cover up the abuse may actually be their inability to look at it and deal with it. I've wondered - in the Penn State scandal - if McQuerty or even Paterno were former victims themselves.

Sure would explain a lot, eh?

I think painting with the broad brush of "heroes and villains" indulges our sense of indignation at the expense of an unprejudiced search for underlying truths.

_________________________
Eirik




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#390354 - 03/23/12 10:55 AM Re: why the cover up [Re: Chase Eric]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
It's about how shame works in cultures. Often, seeing someone experience shame, triggers shame in ourselves. Seeing something shameful, triggers our own shame about something simular in us.

Lots of sexual stuff is shameful. People recoil from their shameful feeling and avoid what triggers it. Shame is very painful and unpleasant to experience. It tends to be unconscious but it helps to be conscious about shameful feelings. Then you can not be so controlled by them. Shame is a powerful force for societal control. It's not all "bad". More, it's basic to our social nature.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#390585 - 03/24/12 08:12 PM Re: why the cover up [Re: ozland]
Publius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 402
Loc: OH
There are a myriad of reasons for this outrageous failure on the part of adults to protect children. Sometimes it has to do with "keeping the family together" whether it involves a marriage, grandparents, a "bad" uncle or some other familial abuser. CSA is arguably the most destructive, yet uncontested crime in modern society. Even the conservative estimates of 1/6 boys and 1/4 girls means 1/5 americans are victims of CSA. The numbers are probably higher. Think about the profound, negative effect your abuse experience had on your life. You would think given the gravity of the situation that we as a society would fund organizations, have marches, and put little ribbons on our cars to support victims of CSA but it does not happen. It is taboo.

As someone mentioned above shame has much to do with it. Organizations like the Catholic Church, Boy Scouts of America, and Penn State felt they had a lot to lose by letting these dirty little secrets out. Families, schools, and all types of groups sometimes fall into this folly. It is certainly more complex an issue than can be addressed in one post or even an entire forum but we need to take a good, long look into the mirror and ask ourselves why we look the other way, why we implicitly tell victims to remain silent, and why we dismiss the after effects of CSA. The cycle of abuse is real and I personally believe it, along with many of its psychological torments, has more to do with nurture than with nature.

_________________________
"Life is like this dark tunnel. You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place." ~ General Iroh

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#390674 - 03/25/12 11:30 AM Re: why the cover up [Re: Chase Eric]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Eric,

I agree with your sentiment about wanting to demonize those that we feel should have been better humans than they were when abuse was occurring.

Here's the way I think of it: the majority of the time, abuse happens in dysfunctional systems (family, organizational). So something bad happens in a dysfunctional system and yet we expect that suddenly the system would start operating functionally when abuse is revealed? Just the opposite. If the system is already encouraging secrets and isolation, the revelation of abuse puts the system into hyper-drive and the secret stays hidden and isolation is increased - EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of what we (I) needed.

Abuse mostly happens in sick systems and unfortunately those systems stay sick and in some way further blame the victim for causing more problems with making people face things that all they want to do is push away.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#390676 - 03/25/12 11:51 AM Re: why the cover up [Re: EdfromNYC]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I think Ed has got it, though I might also add that in an organizational context, covering up abuse can be a much more directly selfish act.

In my case for instance, my abuse happened at secondary school and was connected to acts of bullying gone way to far. Yet, the school was on the brink of closure, and was an experiment by the local council in putting a unit for Visually impared kids into a "normal cschool" (unfortunately the normal school they chose was a pit).

For all of these reasons, there was vested interest within the school exec, and right up to the council in ignoring that there was no problem, indeed they contributed directly to the abuse situation by disallowing stuff like me spending tme inside school at lunchtime and being forced out onto the yard with the other kids where bad stuff happened, or having my own private changing area for P.E. rather than changing with the other boys where violence would occur.

When my parents (who I finally told knewabout the bullying if nothing else), pulled me out of school at the age of fifteen, the authorities were so desperate to keep things quiet that they threatened to take my parents to court, ---- a joke as half of the school played truent anyway, but this was all done in the name of trying to keep the system running, sinse if the school closed, the council would have to admit that it's experiment failed, and lots of people would lose their jobs.

Ironically, several years after I left, the school did in fact close, though for financial reasons rather than the fact that it was a complete hole.

i don't think this was an isolated case though. In ou society, where anyone can be sued for anything at any time, everybody has to cover their back legally. Indeed, my cousin who rcently qualified as a nurse complained that she spent more time writing up patient notes saying what she'd done than actually caring for patients, and was feeling extremely frustrated because of it.

Sa, being so shameful, so distinctly bad, especially the less than well known sa of males, is something which no organization want to deal with legally, so the best way around is to keep everything quiet and pretend it doesn't happen.


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#390697 - 03/25/12 02:31 PM Re: why the cover up [Re: dark empathy]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 233
Loc: New York City
Dark

I'm sorry that you were a victimized in the way you were. It sounds awful and truly powerless on both a large and small scale.

I think selfishness plays a big role in this for families, too. Like my group co-therapists pointed out, my parents chose to protect themselves, not me, when the abuse happened and I believe a major part of that decision was selfishness, their own desire to not be bothered and to remain in their own isolation. It also may have had to do with public appearance, saving their own face while sacrificing their child's well being like what you went through on a public, political scale.

People don't want to deal with the real problem. Its easier to blame the person with the problem than come out of their comfort zone and have to confront uncomfortable feelings and society's gaze. I'm not letting people off of the hook for that, just trying to understand it.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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