I don't know how this is supposed to work. I don't know where the strength or the courage comes from. I only know that at 56 I can't go on living a lie. And no, I don't even know what telling the truth looks like.

All I do know is I'm a gay man living a straight life and it's like driving full speed down hill with no brakes and a hairpin turn ahead.

I have no idea if I can make the turn - - or if I do, what's on the other side. All I know is it's approaching fast.

I don't know if the abuse "caused" me to be gay or if I was born this way - but it doesn't matter anymore WHY. It only matters that I am.

Hey Mark, you are really brave man!
Sometimes is difficult to accept true, I admire your honesty. Certainly you didn't become gay because of abuse and anyway it is not important. Just take it easy, there is time needed for some change to be accepted. Don't forget to give some hugs to yourself and your beloveds!!!
Pero

I don't believe abuse causes someone to be gay, although I've observed it can cause some men to reject or deny being gay earlier in life, because they did fear the abuse has caused gay feelings.

So in some ways, the abuse was even more detrimental to them because it forced them to repress their natural feelings in order to appear what they thought of as "normal", i.e. heterosexuality.

Telling of my own experience, the abuse and other acts made me almost brutally honest in everything because I hated having lies told to me for so long, and the lies felt I had to tell just to survive. I believe truth can be whatever you need it to be. I believe you recognize truth because you see the need now to no longer live a lie. I know it won't be easy, but take courage and pride from the fact you have admitted it now. I wish you well.

pero: brave? for admitting I have no idea what to do but I feel like I'm about to be derailed??

ok ... maybe "brave" for admitting it - and "brave" for looking for help .... but despiration will make you do things you don't normally do.......

crow: understand where you're comin from ... still think the abuse can confuse either direction ... but that's me

as for "truth can be whatever you need it to be" ... I was there once - but I'm now at the place where there is one truth - and I'm frantic to find it.

thanx to both for your replies!!

Hi Mark,
you are brave, there is no doubt.
Brave because of admitting,
Brave because of being connected to feelings like fear of unknown and uncertainties,
Brave because of showed honesty with your feelings and for public search for help.
I admire all that!
There is nothing wrong in feeling desperate, we all are many times caught in such situations. Life is difficult sometimes and we men have such feelings but we rarely admit...
I do hope that you'll soon feel more comfortable in your situation and more at peace with yourself.
Keep posting, I would like to know more !
Pero

cour·age/ˈkərij/
Noun:
The ability to do something that frightens one.
Strength in the face of pain or grief.

You are showing courage, is that better.
It may feel like a necessity, but it isn't, many men just skip the hairpin turn and barrel over the cliff.

Now you need to figure out what to do with your bravery and courage.

exactly... the "easy" part, right? I mean, after all - I've got the bravery and courage, all that's left is a simple little decision.

some great posts

I agree with you the csa can confuse it either way. The attraction can be confusing but the orientation is what a person is. The orientation is not confused but the behavior, expectations, and the life path conveyor a person just steps on at some point earlier in your life - hell ya that can all get confused. You didnt know then what you know now you just stepped on it.

I like that you have courage of your conviction, you have a natural fear the unknown as any man does. The difference is they just see it as a part of life that although is scary, is something a man must do. When we experience emotions as the frightened emotionally stunted boy, there is no skirt tale, or father figure with a guiding hand on our shoulder or bedroom where we can hide under the covers clutching onto the dog.

Its us. We have to do it. And that is so scary. I know your pain. I just came out a little over a year ago. It is so not easy - so many tears, sleepless nights, work disruptions, relationship fractures. I will not lie, it was hell. I am so greatful to some of the men on here, my group, and T's my children and my ex( who has shown remarkable compassion cuz of the work she has done). But bro, it is SO much better. Looking in the mirror is really cool. Eye and not laces gazing is so much better.

Trust yourself, you have taken the greatest first step. The roller coaster always looks and feels like its going to come off the rails on those hairpins, but bro, your wheels and foundation are well connected.

Whatever "simple little decision" is left is going to be better than you think. Its better to live in a painful but ultimately healing truth than to keep that festering lie going. It really is.

Hugz

grant