Nope, this one.

I see now - sorry, you were responding to Hero.

Some of this advice is against conventional wisdom on marital reconciliation post affair - where we are advised strongly to get to the root of the causes of the affair in order to heal, reconcile and move forward.

Well, I'm will never claim that I'm a marriage counselor, so take my words how ever you want to.

Yes, getting to the "root of the causes of the affair". Well, what do you think the root of the cause is? Do you think he didn't love you? Do you think that he wanted to hurt you? Do you think that he's proud of himself for doing what he did? Now, with those answers in your head, do you believe his reasoning at the time of the affair was rational? Okay, there you go. There's the root of the cause. So, it's not about you and it's not about the sex. It's about a survivor who didn't feel safe for whatever reason and irrationally acted out on bad feelings he had in his head to fill his needs. That's a fact. Does he tell you that he loves you now? Does he tell you that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you? Is he actively working on his issues (that we all know he has)? Whatever he says, take his words at face value. Just like you want him to take your words at face value. You'll find out very quickly where the level of trust is between the two of you. You'll both recognize if the other respects you and is truly interested in healing from this point forward. It's important for the both of you to be healthy, committed and ready to move forward. That might not be right now, but there's much personal work for all involved to really answer the question, "Am I really committed to this person and this relationship?"

"It's about a survivor who didn't feel safe for whatever reason and irrationally acted out on bad feelings he had in his head to fill his needs."

Exactly.

It's the "for whatever reason" that I have been trying to determine, in tandem with working on myself as an individual.

Again, Esposa, I understand your desire to determine what it was that sent him away. Don't over complicate it. Chalk it up to both of you being unhealthy at the time. Let today be day zero. You two are working on your "stuff" and you have a baseline for what's healthy and what's not. As you talk through things, you're going to hear the words coming out of his mouth and you're going to determine at that point if his thoughts are healthy thoughts. Just like he will to you. Instead of clouding future discussions with patterns of the past, take them with the knowledge that you have based on a healthy recovery, rather than an unhealthy past. It could get as crazy as, "Well, he ate a turkey sandwich for lunch then, later that night, he cheated on me, so we're getting rid of all sandwich making materials." No, you have to be able to trust each other in day to day situations because you both recognize healthy behavior as healthy and unhealthy behavior as unhealthy. You are growing as an individual. So is he. You will both change. You're relationship will change. Allow that change to come with positive direction rather than negative actions of the past.

I hear you loud and clear - I do. And boy I want that. It's mind over mind stuff.

I was this way when I first learned of the affair - in fact, I think the first thing I said to him was let's get to work - let's get healthy. But I started that process, and he continued the affair - for six more months. A little setback.... that probably creates the hesitation you feel from me now.

Yes. Exactly! It's not your decision alone. It's his decision too. If he doesn't want to get healthy, you can't get healthy for him. These are interesting times for you, indeed. You're both jumping in the river at the same time on your own recoveries all the while wanting to be involved and supportive of your counterpart's recovery. It's a balancing act, but it doesn't start until both of you jump for yourselves.