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#390566 - 03/24/12 05:53 PM Re: Revenge [Re: Esposa]
r.m. Offline


Registered: 01/18/11
Posts: 106
Sorry for being such a simple mind, but isn't a marriage or a (committed) relationship a commitment? Of course, it's a rhetorical question. So, knowing this committed relationship is a commitment to another person, at any time, we need to be prepared to ask ourselves, "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?" If the answer is anything but, "Absolutely!", there is something missing. It's not the past that's missing. It's not your understanding of his perspective or response to stimuli that's missing. The commitment is lost. There are now conditions on your love for him. You're hung up on why he's not acting this way or what would he do in this situation, instead of focusing on what's really the current issue. Why is there a lack of trust?


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#390567 - 03/24/12 05:59 PM Re: Revenge [Re: r.m.]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 696
Loc: NJ
No no... Quite the opposite. He breached my trust. I'm still committed just now we need to restore trust. Total bummer


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#390569 - 03/24/12 06:04 PM Re: Revenge [Re: Esposa]
r.m. Offline


Registered: 01/18/11
Posts: 106
If you're committed, why does all the past stuff matter? Is understanding all that going to change anything?


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#390571 - 03/24/12 06:17 PM Re: Revenge [Re: r.m.]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 696
Loc: NJ
Hmmm. I hesitate to go back into this because of recent complaints about the F&F forum topics... I guess I will only say that I would be divorced today if it were not for his disclosure and his recognition of the fact that he made faulty decisions based on what he was exposed to as a young person. Unfortunately, being committed is not always enough although I have seen that my 100% committment to working on this together and my full support of his journey has allowed him to see that he can trust me, if only a little.


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#390573 - 03/24/12 06:46 PM Re: Revenge [Re: Esposa]
r.m. Offline


Registered: 01/18/11
Posts: 106
Okay, well, I hope you're not staying with him for the accolades of being a "great support" to him. I'm interested now, with his disclosure, do you see that as a reason or an excuse?


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#390634 - 03/24/12 11:57 PM Re: Revenge [Re: Esposa]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Quote:
Okay, well, I hope you're not staying with him for the accolades of being a "great support" to him.


r.m., Did your survivor act out (sexually) within your marriage? If so, how did you overcome the infidelity while supporting his recovery from his abuse?

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#390647 - 03/25/12 02:25 AM Re: Revenge [Re: herowannabe]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3392
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Sort of a divergence from the direction this thread has veered - but a direct answer or PS to my original answer to the original question about feeling of "revenge" ---

i said before i had none - but further reflection reveals that is not quite true.

1. i wanted the step-father - 1st and longest-duration abuser - to "disappear." i could not conceive of doing anything to him myself, but i could hope...

2. i wanted to get back at GOD for letting bad stuff happen to me - so i did "bad stuff" myself to get even with Him - cuz i'd been told that it made Him sad! nothing i did was illegal or even distantly approached wht was done to me, but still - talk about going straight to the TOP!

vengefully,
Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#390662 - 03/25/12 09:48 AM Re: Revenge [Re: traveler]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 696
Loc: NJ
Can I redirect at this point?

I myself often fantasize of revenge, but I would be incapable of implementing it - too much internal guilt (there is some of my baggage).

Any thoughts on how boundaries (or lack thereof) impact manifestations of natural feelings of vengefulness?


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#390681 - 03/25/12 12:47 PM Re: Revenge [Re: Esposa]
r.m. Offline


Registered: 01/18/11
Posts: 106
My wife is a survivor also. No, she didn't step out of the marriage.

Here's how I see it. Again, maybe I have a very simple mind in this, I don't know. Commitment is what it comes down to. Daily, you ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person with no reservations? If there are reservations, those are unresolved conflicts. You then either work on those conflicts and move past them or you can hold onto anger surrounding the conflict. If they can't be resolved, then you need to decide if it's a deal breaker. If it is, you go separate ways. If it's not a deal breaker, you have to move past it. Look at it this way: you can either love reality or hate it. The fact is that your husband(s) stepped out of your marriage. You can't do anything about that now. It's done. It's over with. You can't change the outcome. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be angry. I'd be pissed! But, those are the facts. Now you ask yourself, am I able to move past this and not hold it over his head anymore? Do I want to be with this person, who stepped out of our marriage for whatever reason, for the rest of my life with no reservations? That's for you to decide. I will tell you that shaming him and holding it over his head is going to put him back into survival mode because he doesn't feel safe in the environment. We all know what can happen in those situations.

So, how to overcome the infidelity. It's interesting, when I read the word "overcome" it sounds like a battle. Well, I'm sorry to say that it's not a battle. There is no winner or loser. The infidelity is a fact. It happened. It can't be undone. So, you either accept the fact that it happened and it can't be changed or you fight with yourself over your belief of reality. If you move yourself past the unbelief of the infidelity and embrace the reality of it, you'll find that it's much easier to build your trust in others. Until you do that, you will not be able to fully support him nor meet his needs.

Be angry at the reality, that's okay. If you are angry with him and want to hold on to that anger for him, sadly, I'd say your chances of overcoming anything are slim.

This is not unlike many of the other conflicts we see here at MS. Supporters talk about their survivor putting their family into financial ruin; he can't hold a job; whatever it might be that is greatly affecting the family. The thing is, there is a reason we do it. It's clear that destructive behaviors are not healthy. They are characteristics of an unhealthy person. The person needs to feel safe enough to be vulnerable enough to trust someone to help them. That's the key. Again, the answer to the question, "Is it worth it?" has to be either a definitive "yes" or "no". We have to be committed.


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#390685 - 03/25/12 01:03 PM Re: Revenge [Re: r.m.]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 696
Loc: NJ
r.m - I think you meant this to be other the other thread.


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