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#390381 - 03/23/12 03:08 PM Can you say what your baggage is?
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
Interesting to me if some of the ladies on MS would be willing, while they bring their survivors baggage here, if they will bring their own.

Might help see some things, or not....I do understand this is friends and family but it is a sub-group of Male Survivor...and just the constant shaming of some husbands/survivors is a challange to hear where we are to heal. ( the don't read this section is a balogna argument, big deflection, but I'm sure it will come up)

For instance, my wife watched her father physically abuse her brother..she never was abused herself, but witnessed and that adds triggers for sure...He also stole money because of gaming debts to bad people..also and more triggering...She brought some of her triggers and baggage into our marriage besides what I brought from the CSA and my family. There was a time when we were at a gas station and my amex card was declined (aactually they didnt accept amex was the issue) and she just freaked out and we had to go home immediatly...It didnt matter she knew we had money, that I had another card...she got triggered to a time when her family had no means and shamed at a supermarket and ran home after her mom couldn't buy groceries. I didnt understand at the time why we had to race home, as I never had that concern but once we talked about it and figured out the trigger it made complete sense and we know if it comes up what the trigger is.

Its not all about my triggers but some of hers too and the real problem is when we either trigger each other, or one of us triggers the other by doing what they need to live through their own crap.

I was recently talking to a great supporter and she had mentioned that her hubby triggered her when he got loud and angry because of her past with an abussive parent and how they spoke about it and worked through it together. he changed his approach some as to not trigger his lovely wife.

SO...You willing to say what baggage/issues you brought into the marriage?

Nobody deserves to be cheated on ect...but I can say that not everything that went wrong is on the man/husband. They def should take responsibility for their actions but supporters need to be responsible or acknowledge they brought some crazy in too.

I suspect if you believe the relationship can heal by the man changing only, things might not work out so well down the road...as stated previously NO relationship survives recovery, they all change and how the partcipants change or don't change has a large basis for if they will succeed in the long run.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390391 - 03/23/12 04:03 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Castle-

I understand and appreciate your wife's trigger regarding the AMEX card. However, there is absolutely nothing we as supporters could have done with our own baggage that would have caused healthy-minded, mature grown men to addictively act out sexually. Nor could our baggage have turned them into alcoholics, drug abusers or gamblers. We truly just aren't that powerful!

In a marriage between two healthy-minded, mature adults, infidelity is oftentimes not an addiction/compulsion, but is an inappropriate reaction to opportunity. Because of our husbands' trauma, our situations are infinately different.

What we wrestle with, in part here on MS, is whether or not our husbands will be able to overcome their childhood trauma and begin to develop and employ adult coping skills and personal characteristics of a mature adult man. In matters of sexually acting out, our very LIVES depend on making the right determination.

I'm sure it is as difficult for you to hear the details of our husband's sexual acting out as it is for us to hear the details of the survivors' trauma.

We all deserve patience, compassion, respect and support to help us through our personal crises- that includes me, too. So, thank you in advance for your respect.

herowannabe




Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:01 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390392 - 03/23/12 04:10 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: herowannabe]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
No Hero, Castle is right. My baggage gave me an STD.

If anyone is interested in my baggage, it's all out there, just on a different site - not MS since I am neither male nor a survivor.


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#390394 - 03/23/12 04:14 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Esposa]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Point well taken, Esposa...at least by me.

I wonder if anyone but a betrayed wife will get it?


Sending you a hug-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#390397 - 03/23/12 04:35 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: herowannabe]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
Both partners bring dysfunction and their own "crazy" in to the marriage from their upbringing, family and previous relationships.

I was 8 yo vs people who are "adults" going into a relationship....abuse has no real relationship involved...really gets me upset when ever I see anything written about incestuos relationships...there is incestuos abuse but no such thing as an incestuous "relationsip".



Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:04 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390398 - 03/23/12 04:49 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
We talk about our "baggage" in OUR PRIVATE MESSAGE Group.

But thank you for the offer of assistance.

Also, if I may offer that yoga, taking walks, deep breathes and especially prayer help with such serious anger issues.

You need some peace (((Castle))).



Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:06 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390399 - 03/23/12 05:00 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Sorry, removed my post. Not feeling like posting here right now.



Edited by hopeandtry (03/23/12 05:03 PM)

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#390400 - 03/23/12 05:03 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
I do need peace.
I fish and garden, and am a rather good, involved dad... would love to do some yoga laugh

No prayers or blessings here thanks, I don't believe that they help in any way, but I know the "perp" prays everyday.

Yes when survivors , even ones that act out are shamed I do get triggered.. I think that fits in directly here and is important to the WHOLE story of what happened in the relationship...besides the acting out.

Why cant we both work on issues we both bring in to make healthy relationships...it works.




Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:10 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390401 - 03/23/12 05:07 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
if you ask I will share my stuff for the benifit of me and those reading today, tomorrow, next week or next year.



Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:11 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390403 - 03/23/12 05:26 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
My husband said he chose me because he thought I would "rub off" on him. I'm honest to a fault--not "you gave me too much change" honest but "I know it makes me look like a bad person but I think or believe 'x'". I did this because I thought doing so would free him to do the same. I wanted him to know before he committed to a lifetime with me, I'm a horrible housekeeper, I'm not a lover if children, noisy places, fake or rude people. I needed him to know that I'm not interested in keeping up w the joneses. I thought we had similar backgrounds, my parents are happily married 40+ years. I have not so much as told a white lie to the man. I gave up a career so that he could pursue his dream. I have not nagged that man in the decade plus we've been together. Sexually I was good, giving and game. He can count the times I've said "no" to his advances and I proposition him too.

Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect. I procrastinate, I'm introverted and spend a lot of time reading or in my own head. I am logical to an annoying fault. My husband says he is sometimes intimidated by me but I don't know how to fix that since its never been my intention or desire.

So Castle, now you know my story-how might you help me help my survivor?
But



Edited by GoodHope (03/23/12 05:27 PM)
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#390405 - 03/23/12 05:42 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: GoodHope]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
I thought i should add "shitty things ive done as a wife". He asked me to not park his teuck in the underground parking at my job. I did, got stuck in the pillar and damaged the truck. He asked me to not deposit his check via ATM, i did, it got jammed and it took 2 months to get it deposited. I wouldn't let his mother in the delivery room for the birth of our first child. I did not want to have to worry about anyone except for me and I didn't know how my body would respond. Yep, it was like my period on steroids and I spent a good chunk of the labor on the toilet pooping my brains (but thank goodness no baby out).
I've got lots of baggage since 5/22/2012 but I think you know about that already.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#390407 - 03/23/12 05:57 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: GoodHope]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
I never said I had all the answers but thanks for your honesty in what you bring.

It might be I would "need" to talk to your husband and tell him what he has and focus on why he feels certain ways and what he can do to help save his marriage.

what I would ask you, is if he changes and that change required you to look and work on what you brought in are you wiling to make a change in you, to make this relationship work after he changes...or because you were so honest up front how you were, are you unwilling to change because you told him what he was getting. Sometimes as we get older and gain life experiences we grow and change as people...as a couple...does the realtionship end if we change what we like what we believe in..sometimes it does, sometimes it doesnt based on COMPRIMISE...Is there comprimise with what you were up front about and how he has changed as a man if he has or will?

Sadly, sometimes survivors do change in recovery and what attracted those couples together has been modified and now the relationship doesnt work as is...is the realtionship "worth" both partners working on some core issue. Some just dont work after infidelity or if both people are unwilling to make some "changes" or comprimise and divorce happens...My wife and I dont believe in divorce per se and as an organic thing "our" relationship is gonna change over time and we are gonna work together to make the changes we need to make it work...I really hope and would pray if I did that it continues to go good and lasts the test of time...but prayer ain't gonna help, work from both partners is whats gonna do it.

Regardless if believed or not, I do have a deep hurt for those who were sexually acted out upon...and who's relationships are hurt by the actions...Saddens me your story as written above..that you would sacrifice yourself and career...seemingly from what you write you were and am a "good" wife...sometimes indeed things just don't work out, sad as it is.

I know a mere blip of your story, not enough by far for true help , if I could help, but I would try if given the opportunity.

BTW I would call it filterless as opposed to honest to a fault...my wife is very much like that, takes time for people to get it, if they dont know that personality...but I can tell you that it can seem like an attack vs just speaking the truth sometimes.

should you want to seriously consider what can become of talking, drop me a note, or stop by chat some time...send your hubby my way...if he wont come here I'd write him a note or let him read my confrontation letter, if that helped...whatever it takes to get men to come get some healing, get on their road...and shed the horrors of what abuse leaves us.




Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:14 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390408 - 03/23/12 05:59 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
I am so sad....

The one thing ALL WOMEN on MS have in common may not be infidelity - but it certainly is that WE LOVE AND WANT TO SUPPORT A SURVIVOR. People who hate their survivors ain't here.

Such a massive bummer....


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#390411 - 03/23/12 06:03 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
"I wouldn't let his mother in the delivery room for the birth of our first child."

This does not belong in shitty things you did as a wife...but maybe the boundry issues of his family laugh

Non of us is perfect and the point was we all bring stuff in and how can we work it out to have healthy people and a healthy relationship.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390412 - 03/23/12 06:05 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 417
He's a member. He doesn't visit often. I may be damaging us. I went back to work after the affair. He can figure out how to run those businesses without me taking care of all home issues. I figure he had time to cheat, he can make the time for his family. I'm no longer filter less, I love those women--Hero and esposa are filter less too, you know. I came to MS because I needed help. Getting past the cheating is imperative to helping my husband. I don't believe in divorce either. I wish I were a robot. I wish I weren't smart. I wish I were more forgiving--oops, more baggage revealed--thought I was forgiving if I wasn't mad so I'd say I forgive you then excise you from my life. It sucks to have to help a crippled person when you are crippled too. The women here (and some men) have shown me ways to help myself AND help him. It's all wrapped up together.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#390413 - 03/23/12 06:06 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ





Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:15 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390415 - 03/23/12 06:18 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
My job is gonna end soon and I have to keep to my priorities of my wife and family...although I am working tomorrow for some overtime, so I will have more time then to keep this going if you want.

I would certainly talk to said survivor if he approaches me in Pm or in chat, but I don't go searching for survivors, but will talk to almost anybody..I do unfortuantly have an issue with survivors who acted out on other children, even as "children" and is just one of my boundries.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390416 - 03/23/12 06:21 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 734
Loc: NJ
Anniemy...Ken singer is in NJ, and a good T for those in NJ who need a pro with experience in CSA/ASA and the issues associated.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390424 - 03/23/12 07:06 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Ugh. Sorry...didn't realize how hard it would be to post here, I guess. Sorry for the multiple posts/deletions.



Edited by hopeandtry (03/23/12 07:18 PM)

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#390532 - 03/24/12 01:35 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: GoodHope]
Mulligan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
Ladies and Gentlemen, I feel like this is to important of a topic for me not to comment on. It is very likely that he is getting healthy by going to T and recovering. I characterize recovery in the begining as the survivor and all of his relationships standing on the bank of a river, when recovery starts the survivor is pushed into the river and is being swept away, his relationships either jump in and go with or they are left behind. The unexamined life isn't worth living~somebody famous~!



Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:20 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390552 - 03/24/12 03:14 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Mulligan]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
I can only speak for myself (and some of the other women I have gotten to know) but I work daily on myself and I agree that we all have baggage that brought us together. Not one of us is not in individual therapy. I think it may seem on this board that we only focus on our men because we tend to do that here in this forum, while our solo work happens elsewhere.


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#390555 - 03/24/12 04:04 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Esposa]
Mulligan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
Whats interesting in abuse part of what kep your man silent was the "it your fault message from the abuser". I think the concern here is that many men are hearing that again in some of these threads. Thank you for your honesty!

_________________________
Because I never give up the fight!

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#390559 - 03/24/12 04:36 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Mulligan]
Jim1104 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Interesting analogy Mulligan.

Jim

_________________________
Jim
Male/USA

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#390561 - 03/24/12 04:52 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Jim1104]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
I wonder about that... in fact, often we wives have been accused of trying too hard to find an excuse for infidelity (or other problems). Often on these boards we are told that CSA is NO EXCUSE so I am not sure that the message to our men is IT'S YOUR FAULT, but rather IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. So if that message is being received by our spouses or other supporters (that it is their fault) then it is a communication issue.

Not to be too personal but my husband was not acting out. And it certainly takes two to tango in a marriage and I own (or am trying to identify and own) my part of that dance. The fact remains that I too had unmet needs in my relationship, we just chose different ways to handle it. And my interest on these boards is only trying to understand and support the person I love and have loved for almost 2 decades. And to understand why he felt that he didn't deserve the things he wanted or needed - or why he felt that he didn't deserve to communicate his frustration. Those are his words, not mine.

I really am very appreciative of your response and your input.


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#390563 - 03/24/12 05:20 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Esposa]
Mulligan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
Survivors are not sure what their needs or wants are. They are programmed to exist to the pleasure of others. Any need they have must be met subversivly. Which is to say they basically live in their head not quite knowing where the belong or what is acceptable or what isn't. In normal child development kids parents provide a safe environment and the child develops boundries and explores the world. So basically the survivor doesn't communicate because he isn't seeing it as making a difference or it is unsafe or irrelevent because he wasn't allowed to develop in a safe environment. For healing to begin there must be safety or there will be NO progress. I never understood what safety meant until I felt what it looked like (strange I know). Acting out or acting in is just information there is another problem and that is all. It is a form of proving the messages of the perp and communicating to love that I"I have a problem" (because they can't verbalize or understand what they are feeling). The need for acting out or in slowly begins to wain as progress is made through recovery.

I think the spouses should consider that healthy people generally don't act out becuase it is a message that something isn't quite right. Of all the survivors (I am an act in guy) I have spoken with who act out I have never heard them say their spouse drove them to it or that it had anything to do with the spouse or that they were glad it happened. This is where the self confidense of the spouse comes in. Low self esteem...when something happens instead of saying this isn't about me they auto internalize and then they are incapable of anything more than their own crisis. Healthiness and healing begins when you are able to take a negative situation and realize that it isn't about you. You then become capable of empathy and the ability to understadn what your spouse is dealing with. Until that happens it is a zero sum game.

_________________________
Because I never give up the fight!

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#390564 - 03/24/12 05:49 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Mulligan]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
smile

I think you are closing the loop on our previous go round. wink

From what I have read, many of the women with spouses who ACT OUT know that it has little to do with them and they empathize greatly with their husbands. I think they have been taken to task lately on NOT acknowledging their contribution to the infidelities and if I understand what you are saying, it isn't about them.

Since this is not really the case with my husband, I am interested more in understanding the inability to communicate or the damaged coping mechanisms (along with working on myself to understand my role in the marriage).


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#390565 - 03/24/12 05:52 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: herowannabe]
smuf Offline


Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1
...



Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:23 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390568 - 03/24/12 06:03 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: smuf]
Mulligan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
Esposa, two things have to occur in communicating, vulnerablity and trust for the communication to mean anything. To a survivor being vulnerable feel alot like victim........So communication comes with work on transitioning away from those fears.

Smuf......No doubt that was not a well thought out statement. I can see that was your first post and can assure that is not represenative of the normal discourse here on MS (or at least in my experiences).

_________________________
Because I never give up the fight!

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#390570 - 03/24/12 06:13 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Mulligan]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Vulnerability and trust. Well said.

The irony of this situation is not lost on me. While he works on these things and makes that transition (I hope!), he desperately needs me (and others he loves) to be reliable and supportive. And this comes at a time that I struggle with trusting him. Thank you for your input. It means a great deal.


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#399954 - 06/10/12 12:43 AM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Dogs&Gods Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten
You doing well?
_________________________
Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.

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#399971 - 06/10/12 04:05 AM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
colours Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
Everyone is the way they are for a reason! Our choices (and not making a choice is still a choice) our perceptions of self, others and relationships are all conditioned by experience. Inappropriate experience and exposure, i beleive very definately shapes who we "think" we are.

Due to my partners infedility I have ended up here also, while at this point in time he has not disclosed and infact states he was not abused, he has stated he had "lost his virginity" (his words) at 14 with a 23 year old woman and later his brother revealed he also "lost his virginity to same 23 year old married woman. Says abuse to me, his perception says otherwise.

I will try to make my story short but im afraid its not so sweet (at least to me because pain is relative). I ahve been in therapy on and off over the course of my life, i think the youngest was when i was about 14 or 15 (a memory that has only now just come back) I have now been in therapy for i think about 3 months after i suffered a melt down of sorts because my partner had agreed to go through IVF with me and get married. Sounds strange huh, well he had cheated on me twice in the past and had made a half arsed attempt at therapy with me for about 3 sessions after the last affair. My self esteem was through the floor and i didnt know who i was or what i wanted, I got a hold of some Dr Phil books, and no matter how hard i tried i could not answer any of the questions. i.e. when was the last time you were truly happy?? UMMMMM Never that i can remember. I wanted my life to end or CHANGE, i honestly was too scared to end it myself incase i botched it. So off to the Psychologist i went, cant end it so i HAD TO CHANGE it. I went in to the psychologist and really didnt even let her get a word in not even to say hi and introduce herself. I told her I wanted to change or I wanted out, and out wasnt an option. I dont want to whine about what happened last week i can do that for free with the neighbour, my life and relationships have had the same negative characteristics and patterns for years, why??. Thats what i wanted to work on, no pussy footing around or mamby pambying me i need to get real. Im mid to late 30's by the way.

Deeply ashamed of sleeping around when i was in my late teens and early twenties, got married after hounding him for 7 years and finally telling him after he kissed another girl that if he didnt marry me i was gone, "I wasnt playing highschool romances here", left him after only a month of marriage as I didnt beleive he truly loved me and i didnt seem to belong there.

Straight out of that relationship and into the next one for 3 years, before he left me for a 19 year old, when he left he told me that i gave him heart palpatations because i was forever making him prove his love for me, begged him to come back he didnt and left with about $25,000 of my money due to poor choices i made with my own finances to fix his financial situation.

And now my current relationship where i seemed to be dealing with a serial cheat who has affairs and visits prostitutes. In all of these relatioships i was basically willing to become whoever they wanted me to be, i would abuse my own core values, give my power over myself and my responsibility for myself to them. I.E I would sell my car so they could have what they wanted, then they had to know how much i loved them right??

My Father was an alcaholic and was emotionally abusive and while i know that he called me names such as slut etc when i was a teenager (before i was even sexually active) I dont actually have a memory of it. Until recently (last week) i really couldnt remember much of my chilhood prior to about 18.

So now I'm with current partner who on the first occassion i caught him being unfaithful, approx 3 years into our relationship, i begged and pleaded with him to return home and stop seeing her, he left for her and i basically sold my soul to get him to return, i told her that we had gotten engaged the week before he met her aqnd even faxed her copies of the receipts among other things like bank statements and telephone records just to get her out of the way so we could have a chance. After he did return more stories of infidelity and prostitutes prior to this affair came out, he cheated on his wife before me and had a girlfriend when he met me. ( i didnt know) We moved in together fast within the first 3 months of our relationship. As far as i was concerned none of this now mattered the past was the past and i had caught him, cycle stopped right?? and he would have to know how much i loved him now that i was willing to stay right??

Nothing changed for him, he went on living life as per normal and i hit the bottle for a while, and put myself in a lot of very dangerous situations. And i knew they were dangerous i just didnt care. Thankfully I came to my senses of my own accord on this one and stopped drinking. Life went along we began to make life plans again, although i think most were my very strong suggestions and my partner half heartedly went along with them. 3 years later and my partneres father was jailed for molesting a young family member not long after this my whole family catches my partner engaging in some very suspicious behaviour with an extended female family member, (staying over night at her house when her husband wasnt home, covert phone calls text messages inexplicable and out of the oridinary behaviour from both of them) so off to relationship counselling we go, my boundaries for staying, we go three times and we have to move as he lost his job indirectly due to his sexual indiscretion (he only admits he had an emotional affair of sorts, my gut instinct says i know him better than that),i say i will move after talking with T who states that a new start would be good for us provided we continue with therapy, no worries partner agrees. We move and partner has every excuse a man or woman can think of in relation to why we cant go to therapy, cant get out of work, no money, no time etc etc

So recently my new T and I have been working on me, my question why do they all do it me, her answer why do you let them, why do you choose them, why cant you recognise behaviours in these men that would create warning signs to you( she was little more gentle than that) - but shes right! We began to help me find my identity, starting with my core values, she helped me realise that by not living by these values or sacrificing them for the love of my partner was abusing myself, by tolerating or allowing others to abuse them was still infact abusing my own core values. Hey presto I have a real start to a sense of myself again (probably actually for the first time in my life)

So the latest about 3 - 4 weeks ago he visits a TG prostitute, now I KNOW this infidelity truly has nothing to do with me. I start searching for answers researching behaviour more, somehow identified behaviours that he displays that could be the cause of CSA, speak to Specialist Psychologist in Male CSA, more research more reading more watching Oprah videos etc I was and still am like a sponge for knowledge. I want to help him, want to fix him, want him happy,etc etc some of these have changed, so while trying to get all this knowledge and understanding to help my PARTNER i start watching a tv show of Oprah interviewing some sexual offenders and BAM TRIGGERED, I have a very small fragment memory of a another little girl abusing me (yes it was abuse little girls dont know how to do certain things or get responses from certain body parts without being shown or having experienced it) from there the flood gates have opened and i have since recalled other sa incidents at about 10 and then later at 15 with a family member i loved and trusted dearly.

WHAT A SHOCK - I was not here for me, I was not researching for me, as far as i was concerned my blocked memory was to do with emotional abuse caused by my dad, not this.

The baggage i have unintentionally and up until very recently unknowingly brought into this relationship is mammoth, i know now.

To name just a few:

Poor self esteem for as long as i could remember, placing my self worth in the hands of others to dictate if i was worthy or not, self sacrificing to be loved or liked, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of rejection hmmm im sure there are others. Did i bring it in willingly - NO, am I the cause of my partners infidelity - NO He has the choice on how to deal with my faults, behavioural flaws, infidelity is not a mature or responsible way to deal with whatever problems i bring to the relationship. Do i understand his problems, i'd like to say i have a base knowledge or understanding of the problem and causes and yes im still a sponge but now im sponging for me as well as him. Has his infidelity got anything to do with me and my BAGGAGE - HELL NO. Is it a problem - HELL YES are working on it, I cant answer for him but indications are better than they have ever been. For me YES I AM MY MOST IMPORTANT PROJECT EVER!

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#400166 - 06/11/12 09:25 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
Colours - It is interesting that you chose this topic to post on. Unbeknownst to you, the particular person who started this post, posted it to purposely hurt and harm some of the wives on this forum. You see, for a period of time, we wives/partners were at a place wherein we were pinpointed all of the damage infidelity harmed our relationships. This person in particular took offense to our posts and decided to strike back with a number of posts and pm's to shut us up or shut us down. We did not back down, but left the board. Only to occasionally stop by. Tonight I stopped by and saw your post.
I must say that I am happy that you are turning this particularly ugly meaning posting into something meaningful.
I would like to recommend a book for you, it is called "Codependent No More". This is only a start but read it and see how much of yourself you see in this book. Next, you need to put every ounce of energy you have into YOU. Save yourself. Until you fix you, you will continue to find these same men and continue the same cycle. None of them can be helped unless they want to be helped. BUT YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT. You have a lot of issues that you need to deal with so you can live a happy life. I know it is hard but stop concentrating on men like this and concentrate on you. LOVE YOU because you are worth it.
It is so much easier to give of yourself... "COLOUR" EVERYONE ELSE'S WORLD when you should be coloring your own.
_________________________
God is my teacher, Jesus my comfort and the Holy Spirit my protector.
I AM Listening...

Thank you Mother Mary.
Pray the Rosary every day. http://www.comepraytherosary.org/

I BELIEVE IN HER PROMISE.

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#400192 - 06/12/12 02:38 AM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
colours Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
Hey Annie, i too struggle with the same issues that wife does with a csa partner (well at this point i struggle with behaviour that is caused by csa, whether in fact it was caused by csa is still yet to be confirmed). I started therapy myself to work on me for me before my partners latest indescretion, thank heavens.

I disagree that the original post was only to have a jibe at the partners and wives on here. I think the original post is very much along the exact same lines of your message to me, my perception anyway. I am working on me, infact the work i have been doing is exactly what shows me what my baggage is, i need to take responsibility for my behaviour to, i am happy to admit i have baggage as we all do, though just as the original poster implied im not sure we are all happy to admit what our baggage is. Yes I have identified behaviours in myself that are not healthy for me, they have nothing to do with my partner i brought them with me, an invisible suit case load of them in the back of the car when i drove into this relationship. As did he, is it fair or right to be asking them to face their fears, do their work, look at the ugly truths about themselves if we cannot do it ourselves. No judgment here but i am wondering as to what "work" it is you wish for me to do?? Be specific, if you mean and ill put this bluntly, stroke my own ego, tell myself i dont need to change im fine the way i am, just be happy, its all his fault i feel the way i do because he cheats on me, then im sorry but i just cant do that.

You are right the key to my happiness is me, yes some of the behavioural problems that my partner has, particularly his infidelity have fed into some of my own (allready preconceived prior to our relationship) beleifs about myself. However, it is my choice to be happy, it is a choice, identifying and what my own negative or unhealthy behaviour is, is very important in working on me, i dont think it hurts for the guys here who are allready suffering immeasurable guilt for some of their behaviour, to see that, "you know what, we aint bloody perfect either" but we are only being the best we know how to be. UNTIL - until we learn different, at the moment that is exactly what i am doing, im learning different, i have identified (i hope most of) my unhealthy behaviour/"baggage", and learning how to change it - FOR ME not for my partner, not so that he'll stop cheating on me, not so that he'll love me more, so that i love me more, so that i like and know who i am at the core, so that i can live my life being true to myself and happy!

Who am I?? I am a female that is trustworthy, i am honest, i am compassionate, i am kind, i have integrity, i have faith, i am respectful. just some of the core values that make me ME.

Abuse it and Lose it. If i abuse these core values i abuse myself, if other abuse those core values and I ALLOW them (because i am an adult now and i have a choice) then i am still abusing myself. If dont share these gifts of me (values) with others i am still abusing what makes me, me. my definition of abuse: something done/inflicted or infact withheld with INTENT.

Wouldnt it be wonderful though if I could say,

"dear partner if you just stop cheating on me my life will be fixed and i will be happy"

I know that is not true, i know that that is a double standard

Wouldnt it be wonderful if my partner could say:

"Colours, you know if you would just be perfect i wouldnt have to cheat any more"

I know that is not true, i know that that is a double standard

It takes two to tango!!


I have been frequenting the chat room here of late, and have met some amazing people who have given me some great insight into their journeys, which dont seem to far removed from my own. I really want to applaud their courage and their honesty for being so frank with me about how they feel, their experience and their non judgemental views of my feelings and experience.


To the man who wrote this original post: - Thankyou i am not sure what your intention was, but you certainly gave me the opportunity to examine myself and what i bring to the table, if your intent was to criticize, well thats good too, i'll take it as constructive and use it to work for ME and not AGAINST me. Bring on the challenge i say, im challenging the way i think and my perceptions on anything and everything anyway, thanks for providing yet another opportunity to do so.

Baggage in any form is just a weight we carry that stops us from living the life we all deserve. CSA, non CSA, Partners, Friends, family and basically any living breathing human being.

Annie, I also thankyou for support and encouragement to helping me be a better me, i hope your journey is a short one to the place where you want to be.

And ofcourse I am not infallible either, i rant and whine about life at times to, so far that hasnt fixed a darn thing for me, but i do still indulge in it occassionally, I am not perfect, i do make mistakes, and thats ok. I am also very new to this, so i welcome anybodys brutally honest views, comments or suggestions.

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