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#390405 - 03/23/12 05:42 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: GoodHope]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
I thought i should add "shitty things ive done as a wife". He asked me to not park his teuck in the underground parking at my job. I did, got stuck in the pillar and damaged the truck. He asked me to not deposit his check via ATM, i did, it got jammed and it took 2 months to get it deposited. I wouldn't let his mother in the delivery room for the birth of our first child. I did not want to have to worry about anyone except for me and I didn't know how my body would respond. Yep, it was like my period on steroids and I spent a good chunk of the labor on the toilet pooping my brains (but thank goodness no baby out).
I've got lots of baggage since 5/22/2012 but I think you know about that already.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#390407 - 03/23/12 05:57 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: GoodHope]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
I never said I had all the answers but thanks for your honesty in what you bring.

It might be I would "need" to talk to your husband and tell him what he has and focus on why he feels certain ways and what he can do to help save his marriage.

what I would ask you, is if he changes and that change required you to look and work on what you brought in are you wiling to make a change in you, to make this relationship work after he changes...or because you were so honest up front how you were, are you unwilling to change because you told him what he was getting. Sometimes as we get older and gain life experiences we grow and change as people...as a couple...does the realtionship end if we change what we like what we believe in..sometimes it does, sometimes it doesnt based on COMPRIMISE...Is there comprimise with what you were up front about and how he has changed as a man if he has or will?

Sadly, sometimes survivors do change in recovery and what attracted those couples together has been modified and now the relationship doesnt work as is...is the realtionship "worth" both partners working on some core issue. Some just dont work after infidelity or if both people are unwilling to make some "changes" or comprimise and divorce happens...My wife and I dont believe in divorce per se and as an organic thing "our" relationship is gonna change over time and we are gonna work together to make the changes we need to make it work...I really hope and would pray if I did that it continues to go good and lasts the test of time...but prayer ain't gonna help, work from both partners is whats gonna do it.

Regardless if believed or not, I do have a deep hurt for those who were sexually acted out upon...and who's relationships are hurt by the actions...Saddens me your story as written above..that you would sacrifice yourself and career...seemingly from what you write you were and am a "good" wife...sometimes indeed things just don't work out, sad as it is.

I know a mere blip of your story, not enough by far for true help , if I could help, but I would try if given the opportunity.

BTW I would call it filterless as opposed to honest to a fault...my wife is very much like that, takes time for people to get it, if they dont know that personality...but I can tell you that it can seem like an attack vs just speaking the truth sometimes.

should you want to seriously consider what can become of talking, drop me a note, or stop by chat some time...send your hubby my way...if he wont come here I'd write him a note or let him read my confrontation letter, if that helped...whatever it takes to get men to come get some healing, get on their road...and shed the horrors of what abuse leaves us.




Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:14 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390408 - 03/23/12 05:59 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: GoodHope]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I am so sad....

The one thing ALL WOMEN on MS have in common may not be infidelity - but it certainly is that WE LOVE AND WANT TO SUPPORT A SURVIVOR. People who hate their survivors ain't here.

Such a massive bummer....


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#390411 - 03/23/12 06:03 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
"I wouldn't let his mother in the delivery room for the birth of our first child."

This does not belong in shitty things you did as a wife...but maybe the boundry issues of his family laugh

Non of us is perfect and the point was we all bring stuff in and how can we work it out to have healthy people and a healthy relationship.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390412 - 03/23/12 06:05 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
He's a member. He doesn't visit often. I may be damaging us. I went back to work after the affair. He can figure out how to run those businesses without me taking care of all home issues. I figure he had time to cheat, he can make the time for his family. I'm no longer filter less, I love those women--Hero and esposa are filter less too, you know. I came to MS because I needed help. Getting past the cheating is imperative to helping my husband. I don't believe in divorce either. I wish I were a robot. I wish I weren't smart. I wish I were more forgiving--oops, more baggage revealed--thought I was forgiving if I wasn't mad so I'd say I forgive you then excise you from my life. It sucks to have to help a crippled person when you are crippled too. The women here (and some men) have shown me ways to help myself AND help him. It's all wrapped up together.

_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#390413 - 03/23/12 06:06 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ





Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:15 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390415 - 03/23/12 06:18 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
My job is gonna end soon and I have to keep to my priorities of my wife and family...although I am working tomorrow for some overtime, so I will have more time then to keep this going if you want.

I would certainly talk to said survivor if he approaches me in Pm or in chat, but I don't go searching for survivors, but will talk to almost anybody..I do unfortuantly have an issue with survivors who acted out on other children, even as "children" and is just one of my boundries.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390416 - 03/23/12 06:21 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Anniemy...Ken singer is in NJ, and a good T for those in NJ who need a pro with experience in CSA/ASA and the issues associated.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390424 - 03/23/12 07:06 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Ugh. Sorry...didn't realize how hard it would be to post here, I guess. Sorry for the multiple posts/deletions.



Edited by hopeandtry (03/23/12 07:18 PM)

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#390532 - 03/24/12 01:35 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: GoodHope]
Mulligan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/15/10
Posts: 94
Loc: USA
Ladies and Gentlemen, I feel like this is to important of a topic for me not to comment on. It is very likely that he is getting healthy by going to T and recovering. I characterize recovery in the begining as the survivor and all of his relationships standing on the bank of a river, when recovery starts the survivor is pushed into the river and is being swept away, his relationships either jump in and go with or they are left behind. The unexamined life isn't worth living~somebody famous~!



Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:20 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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