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#390381 - 03/23/12 03:08 PM Can you say what your baggage is?
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Interesting to me if some of the ladies on MS would be willing, while they bring their survivors baggage here, if they will bring their own.

Might help see some things, or not....I do understand this is friends and family but it is a sub-group of Male Survivor...and just the constant shaming of some husbands/survivors is a challange to hear where we are to heal. ( the don't read this section is a balogna argument, big deflection, but I'm sure it will come up)

For instance, my wife watched her father physically abuse her brother..she never was abused herself, but witnessed and that adds triggers for sure...He also stole money because of gaming debts to bad people..also and more triggering...She brought some of her triggers and baggage into our marriage besides what I brought from the CSA and my family. There was a time when we were at a gas station and my amex card was declined (aactually they didnt accept amex was the issue) and she just freaked out and we had to go home immediatly...It didnt matter she knew we had money, that I had another card...she got triggered to a time when her family had no means and shamed at a supermarket and ran home after her mom couldn't buy groceries. I didnt understand at the time why we had to race home, as I never had that concern but once we talked about it and figured out the trigger it made complete sense and we know if it comes up what the trigger is.

Its not all about my triggers but some of hers too and the real problem is when we either trigger each other, or one of us triggers the other by doing what they need to live through their own crap.

I was recently talking to a great supporter and she had mentioned that her hubby triggered her when he got loud and angry because of her past with an abussive parent and how they spoke about it and worked through it together. he changed his approach some as to not trigger his lovely wife.

SO...You willing to say what baggage/issues you brought into the marriage?

Nobody deserves to be cheated on ect...but I can say that not everything that went wrong is on the man/husband. They def should take responsibility for their actions but supporters need to be responsible or acknowledge they brought some crazy in too.

I suspect if you believe the relationship can heal by the man changing only, things might not work out so well down the road...as stated previously NO relationship survives recovery, they all change and how the partcipants change or don't change has a large basis for if they will succeed in the long run.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#390391 - 03/23/12 04:03 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Castle-

I understand and appreciate your wife's trigger regarding the AMEX card. However, there is absolutely nothing we as supporters could have done with our own baggage that would have caused healthy-minded, mature grown men to addictively act out sexually. Nor could our baggage have turned them into alcoholics, drug abusers or gamblers. We truly just aren't that powerful!

In a marriage between two healthy-minded, mature adults, infidelity is oftentimes not an addiction/compulsion, but is an inappropriate reaction to opportunity. Because of our husbands' trauma, our situations are infinately different.

What we wrestle with, in part here on MS, is whether or not our husbands will be able to overcome their childhood trauma and begin to develop and employ adult coping skills and personal characteristics of a mature adult man. In matters of sexually acting out, our very LIVES depend on making the right determination.

I'm sure it is as difficult for you to hear the details of our husband's sexual acting out as it is for us to hear the details of the survivors' trauma.

We all deserve patience, compassion, respect and support to help us through our personal crises- that includes me, too. So, thank you in advance for your respect.

herowannabe




Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:01 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390392 - 03/23/12 04:10 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: herowannabe]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
No Hero, Castle is right. My baggage gave me an STD.

If anyone is interested in my baggage, it's all out there, just on a different site - not MS since I am neither male nor a survivor.


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#390394 - 03/23/12 04:14 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Esposa]
herowannabe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Point well taken, Esposa...at least by me.

I wonder if anyone but a betrayed wife will get it?


Sending you a hug-
herowannabe

_________________________


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


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#390397 - 03/23/12 04:35 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: herowannabe]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Both partners bring dysfunction and their own "crazy" in to the marriage from their upbringing, family and previous relationships.

I was 8 yo vs people who are "adults" going into a relationship....abuse has no real relationship involved...really gets me upset when ever I see anything written about incestuos relationships...there is incestuos abuse but no such thing as an incestuous "relationsip".



Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:04 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390398 - 03/23/12 04:49 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Anniemy4sons Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 98
Loc: NJ
We talk about our "baggage" in OUR PRIVATE MESSAGE Group.

But thank you for the offer of assistance.

Also, if I may offer that yoga, taking walks, deep breathes and especially prayer help with such serious anger issues.

You need some peace (((Castle))).



Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:06 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390399 - 03/23/12 05:00 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Sorry, removed my post. Not feeling like posting here right now.



Edited by hopeandtry (03/23/12 05:03 PM)

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#390400 - 03/23/12 05:03 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Anniemy4sons]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
I do need peace.
I fish and garden, and am a rather good, involved dad... would love to do some yoga laugh

No prayers or blessings here thanks, I don't believe that they help in any way, but I know the "perp" prays everyday.

Yes when survivors , even ones that act out are shamed I do get triggered.. I think that fits in directly here and is important to the WHOLE story of what happened in the relationship...besides the acting out.

Why cant we both work on issues we both bring in to make healthy relationships...it works.




Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:10 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390401 - 03/23/12 05:07 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
if you ask I will share my stuff for the benifit of me and those reading today, tomorrow, next week or next year.



Edited by ModTeam (03/24/12 10:11 PM)
Edit Reason: Edited for content

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#390403 - 03/23/12 05:26 PM Re: Can you say what your baggage is? [Re: Castle]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
My husband said he chose me because he thought I would "rub off" on him. I'm honest to a fault--not "you gave me too much change" honest but "I know it makes me look like a bad person but I think or believe 'x'". I did this because I thought doing so would free him to do the same. I wanted him to know before he committed to a lifetime with me, I'm a horrible housekeeper, I'm not a lover if children, noisy places, fake or rude people. I needed him to know that I'm not interested in keeping up w the joneses. I thought we had similar backgrounds, my parents are happily married 40+ years. I have not so much as told a white lie to the man. I gave up a career so that he could pursue his dream. I have not nagged that man in the decade plus we've been together. Sexually I was good, giving and game. He can count the times I've said "no" to his advances and I proposition him too.

Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect. I procrastinate, I'm introverted and spend a lot of time reading or in my own head. I am logical to an annoying fault. My husband says he is sometimes intimidated by me but I don't know how to fix that since its never been my intention or desire.

So Castle, now you know my story-how might you help me help my survivor?
But



Edited by GoodHope (03/23/12 05:27 PM)
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Wife of a survivor

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